Super Special Ep: Voicemail
This episode is part of a larger story, Soft Touch. If you haven’t yet, you can go back and read it from the beginning right here.
Suspended in the place between time, Aiden spends the first few seconds that fly by in pure panic.
Kent’s house, the sunlit morning - it’s all gone. And Jamie’s hand slipped right out of Aiden’s.
Aiden can’t get his head around a coherent thought. Only the vague, frantic understanding that he needs to choose where he’s going, direct the conduit magic swirling around him.
He can’t pick a place or a time. All he can think about is the fact that Jamie isn’t in his hands anymore.
Take me to Jamie, he tells the magic desperately, without thinking.
He realizes instantly that he wasn’t specific enough. Guardian magic makes its own decisions if you leave too much up to interpretation. Aiden was hoping this would land him and Jamie both back safely in the Ghost Office, but as soon as his feet hit the ground, he knows it didn’t happen that way.
His Timbs sink deeply into something soft, unstable. He goes staggering backwards on the momentum of the magic, stumbling through what feels like - sand, maybe?
Aiden barely manages to catch himself on something solid behind him before he can go down to the ground. He clings to whatever it is, gasping for breath.
Even with his eyes closed, he knows he’s not in the present. A warm, summer breeze is breaking gently on his face.
The conduit - it took Aiden somewhere, and Jamie somewhere else.
Aiden’s breath picks up in alarm, the beginnings of an all-out panic spreading through his veins.
Holy fuck. How did this happen? Just five fucking minutes ago, the only thing on Aiden’s mind was that whole thing Jamie did with his tie this morning. That’s been the singular thought in Aiden’s head all day, it seemed very possible that it would be for the rest of his life, and all he wanted was to just get Jamie home…
And now who knows how far apart they are, in time and space?
Where the fuck did the magic take Jamie?
Aiden’s heart trips over itself with fear and worry, but - he has to believe that the conduit will bring them both back to the present when this is over. Even if Aiden isn’t there to guide it for Jamie. Ariana wouldn’t invent anything that would keep Companion Plants apart.
Aiden has to believe that.
Everything’s going to be okay. Aiden just has to spend four minutes - somewhere else. Some time else. Where is he?
He holds very still, slowly getting his breath back, then spreads his fingers on whatever’s behind him. It feels like smooth, cool tree bark, dusted with salt.
Aiden opens his eyes, then freezes when they fall on the moonlit beach.
A soft, warm rain is lazily fluttering down. A late-night summer shower. The salty air is blowing around in gentle gusts, rising and falling slowly, stirring through Aiden’s hair.
The ocean is glimmering with moonlight. It lets up a soft sigh each time the tide rushes against the sand and draws away again.
Aiden asked the conduit to take him to Jamie, but no one is sitting on the soft white sand.
Aiden looks at his more immediate surroundings. He’s standing behind a cluster of windblown beach trees with grey-green leaves, growing near the sand dunes.
Aiden turns and peeks cautiously around the tangled tree boughs, lets his eyes slowly travel over to the sand dunes - then goes perfectly, completely motionless.
There’s a familiar, bright blue car there. Parked at the very edge of the beach, just where the sand starts. And someone is sitting on the hood.
Aiden’s breath stops in his mouth. He stares with wide, wide eyes at his Companion Plant.
The conduit did take Aiden to Jamie, but not to present Jamie. This must be a Jamie from the past.
Some things are exactly the same. The flaming crimson hair, the soft dusting of freckles, the high cheekbones. The sweetness and open warmth of Jamie’s every feature. The jeans, the Converse, all the same.
But some things are different.
This Jamie has a sharp, red stubble beard, but still, he looks a little younger than he does now. He also has a shorter haircut, the red buzzed down to a fade on the sides and back of his head, but long enough on top to fall down and kiss the arch of his eyebrow. His flannel is in a heap beside him, so Aiden can clearly see his lithe, slender body. He’s leaning back into his hands, one leg bent and the other stretched out over the hood of the car.
He doesn’t seem to have heard Aiden’s arrival over the rush of the waves and the soft patter of the rain. Just like Aiden, he’s holding perfectly still, unmoving.
His face is turned to the sea. Those beautiful, burnt cinnamon eyes are staring out at the horizon line with intense, unbroken focus. Like Jamie is trying with all his might to see something there.
Oh my god, Aiden thinks.
He stares at Jamie with enormous eyes, enraptured, his spellbound heart running wild. An absurd, unaccountable wave of deep shyness crashes over Aiden’s head, so powerful that it nearly sends him retreating further behind the trees. He feels a searing blush spread across his cheeks.
Oh, Jamie is cute like this.
Aiden knows that his version of Jamie will always be his favorite, but he never got to see him with this look before, what an unexpected treat…
But the huge, adoring smile slowly spreading over Aiden’s face stops abruptly. He blinks hard at Jamie, his heart falling, his eyebrows furrowing.
It’s dawning on him that there’s something fundamentally different about this version of Jamie. A major, decisive difference between this one and the one that Aiden knows.
Aiden is used to seeing Jamie radiant with happiness. He’s used to the light mothwing movements of Jamie’s excited hands, his words flowing like a bright, bubbling little brook, his handsome face all warm laughter and irresistible smiles.
This Jamie seems - sad. Beyond sad.
He looks lost in painful thoughts, utterly quiet, his shoulders drooping. He’s keeping his body very still, but his sweet, warm eyes are storming with heavy emotion.
Aiden has a pretty clear view of him, from here. He can see that Jamie’s red eyelashes are dark and wet, like he’s been crying.
Jamie is sitting on one side of the hood of his car, like he was leaving space open for someone, but - Aiden doesn’t see anyone else here.
Is - is Jamie just here, parked at the beach in the rain, crying, all alone?
Aiden’s heart fills up with tangled, confused distress that swiftly builds up into a red, roaring fire in his heart. His every instinct screams for him to go do something to console Jamie, to put his arms around him, hold him close...
Aiden knows that he can’t. But he also can’t help himself.
He takes a step out into the shadows beside the trees. He’s only stopped by a soft, unexpected sound. Jamie’s phone, vibrating against the hood of the car.
Aiden falls back hastily, moves deeper into the shadow of the tree, and watches through the soft rain.
Jamie picks up his phone and looks down at it, then hastily swipes his hand over his eyes. He takes a deep breath, like he’s doing something that takes a lot of effort, then draws a smile onto his face.
He holds his phone out like it’s a video call. Aiden can’t see who’s on the other end, but he knows as soon as a voice comes out of the speaker.
“Hey!” Kasey says brightly.
“Hey!” Jamie answers, in an equally bright voice.
“Alright, so I have like, five minutes until class starts. You have time for a walk and talk?”
“Always,” Jamie says firmly, and Kasey lets out an affectionate laugh.
“You look hot, by the way.”
“Why, thank you.” Jamie crinkles up his freckled nose at her, leaning back into his hand. “I was at a bar.”
“Yeah? You don’t look drunk.”
“No, I didn’t really go to drink.” Jamie shakes his head slowly, his smile falling. “Just thought I’d try to meet someone.”
Aiden freezes again, his fingers spread on the bark of the tree.
He heard the vein of deep sadness that just revealed itself in Jamie’s voice.
Kasey didn’t miss it, either.
“Aw, babe,” she says sympathetically, her voice softly garbled by the speaker. “Are you feeling sad about Roger?”
“What?” Jamie asks distractedly, then gives himself a little shake. “Oh - Roger. No, not really.”
“Oh, Roger,” Kasey repeats, half-laughing. “What, did you already forget about him? You guys really didn’t break up all that long ago.”
“Shut up, of course I didn’t already forget about him! I just - haven’t really been thinking about him. Or, I have, but not, um - not, like…”
“Is it raining on you? Where even are you, right now?”
“Some random spot at the beach. I don’t know.”
Aiden looks out at the moonlit beach, then back at Jamie, his heart hammering. Does he - does he not realize?
“By yourself?” Kasey asks. “In the rain?”
“Yeah. Don’t ask me why, because again, I don’t know.” Jamie hesitates, his amber eyes clouded. “I’ve been coming here a lot to think, lately.”
“To think about what? Clearly not about Roger.”
“I mean...” Jamie’s smile is gone now, and he’s looking down at his Converse, not at his phone. “Yeah, not really specifically about Roger, but-”
“Oh, goddamnit,” Kasey cuts in, letting out a frustrated breath. “Some of the students are here early. Why did I agree to be a TA, again?”
Jamie waves a hand at her, hastily pulling the smile back onto his face. “It’s totally fine! Go ahead, we’ll talk later.”
“I want to hear what you were saying, though, okay? Leave me a ridiculously long voicemail, as is our custom.”
Jamie lets out a little laugh, then nods. “Yeah, okay.”
“Call me back, I won’t answer, I love you!”
The call disconnects. Jamie waits for a moment, then calls Kasey back, waits until it goes to voicemail.
“As I was saying.” Jamie lets out another soft little laugh, but it sounds forced. “It’s - not really about Roger.”
He hesitates, takes a deep, unsteady breath.
“Guess I’m just thinking about how all of my relationships end this way,” he says, in a hollow, quiet voice. “I’m starting to wonder if there’s something wrong with me. Sometimes I think I’m hoping for something that doesn’t even exist.”
Aiden can only stand there, staring at him, his eyes wide with dismay.
“I know that you’re gonna ask if this isn’t just the stress of a bad breakup. Believe me, I wish that’s what it was.” Jamie lets out a heavy sigh, then falls to put his back against the windshield. “Although that was a bad breakup. God, what a fucking disaster. Roger is so analytical, and I was trying to explain something that I only know with my intuition. I feel like he misinterpreted everything I said.”
Jamie winces deeply at the memory, his freckled face screwing up.
“I told Roger I just wanted something bigger, something - more than this. He asked me what I meant, and I… couldn’t explain. I tried, but it was hopeless. He didn’t understand, nobody - nobody who I talk to about this understands what I’m trying to say. People keep telling me that my standards are too high. But it’s not about standards, it’s…”
There’s a short silence, and then Jamie’s composure suddenly fractures, along with his voice. He tosses his hair out of his face, takes a shaky breath.
“I can feel something missing, Kase-face. I can feel it.”
Aiden stands stock-still by the tree, his blood beating up in huge, hot waves.
“My mom said,” Jamie stammers, staring up at the stars glinting overhead, “That I have an infinite kind of love to give, and that I’m waiting for someone who can give me that back.”
Aiden closes his eyes for a moment, barely breathing.
“But that’s - that’s what I’m worried about,” Jamie pushes on, his voice growing thin and hoarse. “Isn’t that asking for way, way too much?”
Aiden swallows hard, his eyebrows drawing together.
“I - I don’t know why, but I always felt like that kind of love was out there for me.” Jamie closes his eyes, slowly pushes a hand through his crimson hair. “Since high school, like - I’ve never felt unsure about it, that there was someone out there who would love me like that, and who I could love back the same way. But everyone keeps telling me to let that go, and, I mean… it’s not like I’ve found him, right?”
Jamie pauses, draws in another slow, trembling inhale. The rain is still fluttering down onto him, slowly turning his crimson hair darker, but he doesn’t seem to notice.
“Am I ignoring the helpful wisdom everyone is trying to give me? Am I delusional?” He tries to laugh, but it comes out sounding more like a nerve-wracked stammer. “I’m worried, like - maybe I’m chasing something that isn’t even real. Something - impossible.”
Aiden sinks back against the tree, then slowly turns to look at Jamie around the branches again.
He’s biting down hard on his lip, his amber eyes swimming with pain, like the prospect itself hurts him beyond words.
“Maybe s’time to finally give up the dream,” he murmurs, very quietly. “Let it die. Stop waiting for the miracle. I’m twenty-four, maybe… maybe it’s just… time for me to grow up.”
Aiden starts to move for Jamie, then catches himself, but just barely. He finds himself clinging tightly to a branch of the tree to keep himself still. He doesn’t even remember trying to move. It was like being swept on some kind of invisible, internal, powerful magnetic current.
“But I don’t know how to give up,” Jamie stammers, his voice on the brink of breaking. “I don’t know how to live without that dream.”
Suddenly he sounds like he’s almost suffocating.
“Fucks me up just to think about it, if I’m being honest,” Jamie forges on, at that breathless, rushing tempo only he can speak at. “I think about it and I fucking panic. I know that I’m probably hoping for something way beyond my reach, and that means my hands are always gonna come up empty, but still, I - I don’t know how to stop dreaming of him. I still have faith that he’s out there. Can’t shake that. I don’t know why.”
Aiden is clinging to the tree like a hurricane-force wind is trying to drag him away from it and right to Jamie.
“I tried to give it all up, with Roger.” Jamie nibbles his lip, his eyes filled with misery. “I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t take how - how lonely I felt. I didn’t feel like anything that happened between us had any real significance, and I - I had this horrible feeling like I was abandoning the one I’ve been waiting for all this time. And that was what I really couldn’t - I couldn’t…”
Jamie’s voice fractures, and he trails off, struggling to catch his breath. For a moment, the only sound is the rush of the waves.
Aiden is frozen in disbelief. He can’t fucking believe what he’s hearing. His head is spinning.
“Maybe my idea of what passion and love are supposed to be like is just way off base.” Jamie reaches down to fidget anxiously with the flannel beside him on the car. “Think I’ve been picturing those things wrong. I thought they would be so powerful, like - like magic.”
Jamie falls silent for another moment, then breathes out a trembling, humorless laugh.
“You know who I randomly think about sometimes, Kase-face? Do you remember Aiden Callahan?”
Aiden’s already very wide eyes get even wider.
“It was like - he hated me, but at least he couldn’t stay away from me.” Jamie lets out another ragged laugh. “I think somehow that was the closest thing to what I thought passion would be like. It was in the wrong fucking direction, obviously, but… Roger could so easily stay away from me…”
Jamie’s red eyebrows furrow. He shakes his head, breathes out a heavy exhale.
“Am I never gonna be happy, Kase-face?” he says, so softly that Aiden can barely make him out. “If I go on waiting? Am I waiting for nothing? I need to know, because I’m - I’m not happy, I’m actually really… really lonely…”
Jamie breaks off and swallows hard, his words trembling slightly. He takes a few breaths, then kind of tries to laugh again.
“You know what? I don’t know what I’m saying. Ignore all of this, alright? I’m rambling, and probably coming dangerously close to the time limit on the voicem-”
“Your voicemail has exceeded the time limit,” comes a smooth, automated voice from Jamie’s phone. “Your message has been deleted. Please hang up, then try again.”
Jamie lowers his phone and stares at it.
He hesitates for a long, silent moment, then hits the redial button, waits for the voicemail tone.
“Hey,” he says, in a much brighter, more cheerful voice, one that only just barely hides the tremble beneath. “Sorry, my first voicemail got deleted! I went over the time limit, super on brand for me. But that was for the best, believe me. It was just me talking forever and making no sense. Forget it. You get enough of that. Call me later, though? I want to hear all about how your class went. Love you!”
Jamie hangs up, tosses his phone down on his flannel. He sits up again and folds his elbows on his knees. He rests his chin on his arms, staring out at the ocean.
Or - not at the ocean. He’s looking at the horizon line, his sugar-brown eyes staring across the vast distance.
Aiden turns to look at it, too. Realizing slowly that if Jamie is twenty-four, there’s a twenty-five year old version of himself out there somewhere right now, on the far side of the ocean. Struggling to get sober, fighting to eventually make it back.
Jamie sniffles, and Aiden turns back around to find a single tear falling down his freckled cheek.
But something is burning visibly in Jamie’s eyes, there beneath the tears. Lighting them from within, turning them almost the color of champagne. A fierce, blazing glow that stops Aiden’s overworking heart still.
“I’m not giving up,” Jamie suddenly whispers, staring out at the horizon. “I’m still waiting for you. And I - miss you, even if we haven’t met yet. Miss you so bad.”
Aiden can only stare at Jamie, unbreathing, stunned right down to his soul.
That - that was for Aiden. Jamie is talking to him. Even if Jamie doesn’t know it, that was for Aiden.
Aiden can’t think how many times during his wandering years he looked up at the sky and thought of Jamie, spoke to him as if the distance didn’t matter.
But never, not for one second, not once did Aiden ever imagine that Jamie was somewhere out there talking back.
For a split second, Aiden can’t breathe, can’t even absorb the thought. It’s simply too much for him.
Then it sinks in, and sets him reeling.
He’s nearly knocked the fuck out by a lightning strike of pure, burning love as he watches Jamie silently cry on the hood of his car. Love so strong and sweet and overwhelming that it almost hurts.
Aiden only realizes that he’s crying when his vision blurs over everything but Jamie, who goes on staring out at the wide-open summer night, the warm rain drizzling slowly down onto him.
Or maybe that’s nothing to do with the fact that Aiden is suddenly crying. The landscape around Jamie has melted away so completely, it can’t be purely due to the tears. He’s the only thing in the whole world right now, to Aiden’s eyes.
“It’s been such a long time, though,” Jamie suddenly sobs, his quiet voice barely reaching Aiden, his eyes still gazing out across the distance. “You - you didn’t give up on me, did you?”
And Aiden can’t help but answer.
“Never,” he hears himself say desperately, urgently, with all the force of his heart. “Never.”
Aiden said it so, so quietly, it could only have sounded like the faintest whisper of the wind to Jamie, but - Jamie freezes. He blinks rapidly, then slowly sits up a little more, the breeze ruffling through his vivid, rain-wet hair. He stares out at the misty horizon in breathless silence, his tear-filled eyes wide.
After a moment he gives himself a little shake, but his red eyebrows are still knitted. He slowly runs a hand over his crimson stubble, then drops it and presses it over his own heart, closes his eyes like he’s trying hard to listen for something.
Aiden understands all at once. Jamie thinks that the voice came from within him. He’s straining to hear more.
But Aiden can’t say anything else. He wants to, though, god he wants to, he wants to run for Jamie and wrap him in his arms, he wants to never let him go again, he needs to hold him, needs to - Aiden doesn’t just feel the blazing fire in his chest anymore, he is the fire, and he must be giving off real, physical heat, because the raindrops are turning to steam on him - Aiden can’t not have Jamie in his arms right now, it’s going to fucking kill him, he’s going to go up in smoke -
Powerless to stop himself, Aiden starts to take a step out from behind the tree, and the Guardian magic sweeps over him.
He abruptly realizes that it’s been pulling at him for a minute. He didn’t even notice.
He looks up at Jamie, still sitting there with his hand over his heart, waiting.
Before Aiden can do anything, the conduit begins to pull him away.
The world dissolves into brilliant magic, so bright that it’s blinding. But Aiden forces himself to keep his eyes open until the last second, until they hurt too badly and can’t stay open any longer. He stares and stares at twenty-four year old Jamie sitting there, speaking to him, missing him, crying for him, even struggling to try to listen for him, just like Aiden listened all those years…
Aiden lets out a soft sob, then falls back into the magic.
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