Special Episode: Right
This episode is part of a larger story, Soft Touch. If you haven’t yet, you can go back and read it from the beginning right here. This episode contains some mature content.
Noelle leads the way into the guest room. Lets go of Gage’s hand as she steps out into the darkness to switch on a lamp.
He shuts the door softly, then stands there motionless, his fingers still resting on the handle.
Noelle can’t really see his face. Not with so little light. Her heart is a frantic butterfly crashing all around her chest, beating in staggered, fluttering bursts.
Oh my god. What have I done?
But the sensation of his lips against hers is still ringing through her. The way they parted to kiss her back, with such fiery, burning passion that the rush set her head spinning…
She gazes across the room at him in the low light. Wishing she could see his expression, or have any indication of what he’s thinking. All she can really tell is that he’s all tensed up, and holding the door tightly.
“Gage…” She sets her coat and backpack on the chair, then twists her fingers together nervously. “I – I-”
Without warning, he releases the door handle and strides over to her. Before she can blink, she’s been swept up into another kiss, his arms wrapped around her, his lips coaxing hers apart.
All the nerves melt in the answering fire that rushes up and instantly overcomes her.
She reaches up to put her arms around his neck, to answer that kiss. Her cheeks are molten hot, her chest full of big breaths of him, her hands full of his deep dark brown hair.
Her response draws a heavy, shuddering exhale from him, one that breaks against her lips. He pulls her closer until she’s pressed tightly against his body, and what she feels makes her gasp. The wildfire within her begins to sharpen, shaping itself into desire that quickly deepens into need. Burning, aching, irresistible need.
Startled by the unfamiliar, staggering intensity, but sinking deeper and deeper into it anyways. Kissing him with no effort made to hide the raw, urgent hunger taking her over. She tightens her grasp on his tumbled hair, then lets it go so that her hands are free to wander, to feel him. She touches that sharp jaw she’s often stared at in secret, then trails her fingers down the warm expanse of his chest, which is heaving and falling with his breaths.
Without thinking, she pushes up off of the floor to wrap her thighs around his waist. He senses what she’s doing and lifts her the rest of the way. Easily catching her up into his arms, holding her in place.
Some part of Noelle can’t believe this is happening, even now. But that part of her – all parts of her, beyond the immediate here and now – have gone quiet.
There’s only this. The intoxicating kisses she’s drinking in, the heat of his breath, the fluttering of his racing heartbeat when she spreads her fingers on his chest.
He gracefully tips forward until he’s placed her flat on her back on the bed, then climbs over her, panting.
Suddenly she wants to see the tattoo. At least enough of it to finally confirm it is what she thinks it is.
She wrenches his sweater over his head by the fistful, getting the shirt beneath, too. Both come off into her hands and fall aside onto the floor, disregarded. She stares up at him from the bed in the moonlight, her eyes transfixed on the graceful ribbon of porcelain blue arching around his biceps. Sloping down his lithe sides, kissing his ribs, disappearing down into his jeans.
Then she looks at his face, but before she can get a clear look at his expression he’s kissing her again, making a place for himself between her thighs as her hands instinctively, longingly push their way up his back. He’s taking a fistful of her clothes, like she did with his sweater. Lifting her dress up. He draws back to gaze down at her for a moment, then kisses her so deeply and hungrily that it makes her feel drunk.
Neither of them can wait long enough to get naked. It’s with clothes either shoved aside or dragged out of the way that they sink down into the bed together, both of them too desperate to let another second go by.
Noelle moans, then drags in a few fast, ragged breaths, grasping tight handfuls of his hair. Reeling, melting beneath him. The elusive scent of his skin on each shuddering breath she takes sinks into her, answering some deep itch that had been driving her crazy without her knowing it.
She sighs softly. Her head falling back, her cheeks blisteringly hot, her mind lost as she’s slowly rocked in his arms. His hand is cradling the back of her head, holding her still so he can take full advantage of her parted lips with his own.
The strangest feeling gently descends over Noelle. A breathtaking sense of wholeness, of deep, deep peace unrolls itself within her, fills her up right down to the tips of her toes. Everything feels completely right. Everything relaxes, and that knot of anxiety that’s always been there, ever since that first trip to the hospital – it finally slips and comes undone for a second. Releasing a sensation like getting a crack out of a limb that’s been stuck there for years… leaving behind a ringing, previously unknown sense of total serenity and calm. She couldn’t be more relaxed if she’d just come off of an all-day massage.
The feeling is indescribable. Unbelievable. She feels completely connected both to herself, and to him. Undivided.
She clings to him in wild relief. It gradually dawns on her that she’s stopped him from moving, that she’s just holding him tightly to herself. Panting softly against his lips.
He’s gone still in answer, but she can feel him trembling with desire, struggling not to move. He’s watching her expression with entranced, heat-glazed eyes. Her own hazy eyes flutter all the way open to gaze up at him, and he loses the battle against himself. He grinds her down into the bed, just a little tiny bit.
Into the newfound, radiant calm and clarity that’s swept over Noelle, all the pleasure comes alive and erupts through her, all at once. With her mind and body in this state, she feels it so keenly that it’s overwhelming, not even close to anything she’s ever experienced before. The shock of that one little movement he did forces a strange, soft, whimpering moan of ecstasy from her lips.
He lets out a choked breath, his brows tilting up, his self-control snapping.
“Noelle,” he groans softly, as she cries out and clings even tighter to him.
His voice is so full of intimate warmth, and at the same time so rough with pleasure, and everything feels so good and right…
It’s the easiest thing to just let go of that last thread of restraint, and abandon herself completely in his arms.
And when they collapse together into the sheets, trembling and speechless – it’s even easier to shed the rest of her clothes, press her face into the warmth of his panting chest, and drop instantly to sleep.
~~~~
After some time spent peacefully drowsing, Noelle suddenly finds herself wide awake, staring up at the sunlit ceiling with wide eyes.
She has this bright sensation of waking up completely refreshed this morning. The cracked window is letting in a stream of crisp air that smells of damp autumn leaves, but today reminds her of those early spring days in Paris. When after the winter, there’s suddenly a morning when the cool breeze is wonderful and full of light, and the streets seem twice as full of color, and every sound and voice seems to leap much higher up into the air than usual. Everything with a lightness and freshness it didn’t have before.
She feels light, herself. Weightless and airy enough to float up to the ceiling. Strangely free.
She slept so deeply, too. Especially without the windy hotel’s groaning to wake her up over and over again. More than that, she has an unplaceable sense of being well cared for. As if someone lovingly tucked her in last night, or maybe held her while she slept.
Noelle draws a deep breath of the cool air, stretches out contentedly, then realizes she’s sprawled out naked on top of the comforters.
Very slowly, hardly daring to look, she turns her head to the side.
He’s there right next to her, still asleep. Also naked, so she gets her first completely clear, sunlit view. Of him, and of the deep blue tattoo wrapped around his body. The color is a perfect match to the shade she gets when she mixes her Porcelain and Smalt paint pens, like she did for her first-ever portrait of him.
His dark hair is all in a messy tumble over his face, but the necklace pendant is off to the side, in easy view. Her eyes linger for a moment on the little piece of blue stone. She feels certain now that it’s the same one she gave him all that time ago.
His huge hand is sprawled on her ribs, rising and falling with her breaths.
She stares at him for a long moment, her cheeks slowly turning pink, then scarlet. She knew he would look extremely good like this. It’s basically a requirement for his job that he look good like this, and she knows damn well that he’s hot fully clothed, too. He’s professionally hot, in the most literal sense possible.
But she still wasn’t prepared.
She turns onto her side and lays there with her cheek on her folded arm, savoring every second of this rare chance to look at him for as long as she wants.
At some point a deep blush rushes to her cheeks, adding itself to what was already there. Her mind has drifted from the present and fallen back into last night.
She had expected to feel self-conscious, knowing that he’s been with so many other people. Very attractive people who are actual professionals at this.
And she was worried that maybe it would be hard to tell what was real and what was just for show, from him. He makes a living off of convincing performances, after all.
Both of those fears had turned out to be misplaced. Almost laughable to her now.
She was surprised by how quiet he was. There was nothing like that burst of moaning he did on command at the workshop. Instead he took these deep, dragging, broken breaths, with soft, broken pieces of his voice caught up in them. And then that one long, low, gasping moan at the end. That was all.
It made Noelle wonder for a second, until she remembered that he’d said something at the workshop about how he actually got pretty quiet when he was getting his world rocked. The smoldering blush that hit her with that realization felt like it was actually searing her cheeks.
But she hadn’t wondered if he was enjoying himself or not. She could feel how real and raw it all was. He left her no room for doubt.
Everything was perfect in an easy, effortless way that took her completely by surprise. Not that she knew what to expect. The only thing she felt certain of beforehand was that he would really know what he was doing, being someone who’d spent a long time cultivating his skills in this arena. Presumably they would be second nature to him by this point.
That one she was right about. God. And that was the fast, urgent, frenzied version of things. Who knew what it would be like once everything slowed down? Last night he looked to her like something out of a dream, there to pull her up into the dream with him…
This morning he looks like Gage, her close friend of many years.
Now sprawled out naked beside her, and her body heavy with a warm ache from everything he did to it last night. Who caught her up into his arms with the ecstatic sigh of a man giving up a battle he’d fought for far, far too long.
Noelle sits up and turns her face to the half-open window, taking deep breaths of the chilly air. In the clear stillness of the bedroom she can hear distant, shrill laughter from some children far off down the street, and the soft thud of someone in another house opening their window.
The sunlight falls in moving, breezy bars of gold across the bed, softly kissing Gage’s bare skin, lighting up different parts of his tattoo and letting them drop back into shadow again. His hair stirs in the breeze, and then again with the touch of Noelle’s fingertips.
She takes her hand back, her face somehow hotter than it was before. She didn’t even mean to do that.
She draws herself slowly out of the bed, then slips into the bathroom to rinse off at least some of yesterday’s makeup. Silent, lost in thought.
All of a sudden she’s so nervous for him to wake up. They didn’t talk. Nothing has been explained. It was like after that kiss last night, they both decided that everything else could wait.
She softly pads back into the bedroom, pauses to look at him, then goes over to her backpack. Very quietly, she draws out Gage’s letter.
The writing on the front is shaky, like his hand was trembling when he wrote out her name. Noelle trails her fingers over the old ink, thinking. She won’t read it unless he tells her to, but she’s sorely tempted to glance at it and just make sure she understood correctly what Logan meant when he said Gage’s true feelings about you. After all the confusion, she just wants clarity and certainty on this one thing. Before Gage wakes up.
Maybe if she just reads the tiniest bit of it?
The envelope is already open – since Logan read it, the horrible bastard – so all Noelle has to do is turn the envelope over, and the letter falls out into her hand.
She gently eases the old pages open, and discovers that Gage printed the date at the top, the same way she does in her own letters. So she can see that he wrote this shortly after she and Logan broke up.
She takes a deep breath, then reads the first line.
Hey Noelle, it’s Gage Hollins from France.
Noelle stops right there, closing her eyes. Gage Hollins from France? They’d been apart for a measly week or so when he wrote this. Did he seriously think she’d already forgotten him? That there was any chance of that?
A ridiculously old memory shakes itself awake in her mind. She remembers standing outside of the small airport in the countryside, watching while Dad put the suitcases in the car. There was a family getting into the taxi in front of them, and they were having some kind of argument. The father was a stern-looking man, and clearly exasperated.
“Now there’s no room for Gage in the car,” he was saying, pointing at the suitcases filling up most of the backseat. “Not with all these bags.”
The mom of the family didn’t seem interested enough to be paying attention, but the teenage boy sitting in the front seat of the taxi answered without looking up from his phone.
“What do you expect us to do, leave the bags instead? Everything in there is essential. It’s my skiing stuff. Can’t Gage just take a different taxi? Follow right after us? It’s not like he’s a baby.”
The dad was scowling irritably. “So now I have to flag down another taxi? At this hour?”
While this was going on, Noelle’s eyes had wandered to the tall, skinny boy standing on the curb a few feet back from the taxi. She hadn’t realized he was with them. The way he was standing off to one side, she had assumed he was there alone.
His head was hanging a little, his thumb tucked loosely into the strap of his backpack. There was something world-weary about him, for a teenager. Like he was already exhausted from it all. Even in that very first impression he left on her, she noticed it.
He was letting his gaze roam aimlessly around, contributing nothing to the discussion about what should be done with him.
Noelle remembers how his eyes caught hers. By accident, and at first they kept moving, but then they quickly darted back to her face and stayed there.
She smiled at him, surprised by his pretty, forest-colored eyes. Thinking to herself she was off to a good start this summer, in terms of spotting cute boys in France.
He blinked shyly at her a few times, gave her a nervous half-smile, then hastily looked away.
“Where are you off to?” Noelle asked him, on an impulse.
He looked around like he wasn’t sure if she was talking to him, then said blankly – “What?”
She met him in English. “Oh, I’m sorry! Do you not speak French?”
“No, I – I speak French!” He switched back into it immediately. “I just – didn’t hear what you said.”
“I asked where you’re going.”
He quietly stammered something she had to lean closer to hear. The name of a hotel.
“Really? No way, that’s where we’re staying, too! Nice to meet someone else who’ll be there.” She remembers smiling warmly up at him, saying: “I’m Noelle. Raunier.”
“Gage,” he’d said, so quietly that she almost missed it. “Hollins.”
“Having fun with your family?” she asked, glancing at them as they argued by the car.
“Kill me,” he answered, so calmly that he startled a laugh out of her.
And then he’d smiled back at her for a second, so sweetly that her heart fluttered.
“Cool to hear we’re all going to the same place,” she told him, tugging at her scarf. “We’re here all summer. Our dad thought it would be fun for us to do some traveling around the countryside, then go to Paris. It would be nice to have some friends.”
She glanced sidelong at him. Sensing the question, he answered softly –
“Us, too. All summer, too. I mean, we live in Paris, but we’ll be out in the country all summer. We’re traveling around, too.”
They smiled at each other, like the entire countryside of all of France was one little place where they were sure to see each other again.
“I’m excited for this hotel,” Noelle answered, looking for something to say. “I saw pictures of that nice porch on the second floor. I’ve had this idea in my head all spring… I want to sit out there and eat pieces of Parmesan and drink chilled champagne. If I can find someone willing to give me some.”
“I’ll steal it for you,” he answered, so promptly and seriously that she laughed again.
Again, he gave her that sweet, timid smile, with just his eyes.
“Wait a second – if we’re going to the same hotel, and your taxi is full-” Noelle turned to Dad, catching his eye. “Can we give Gage a ride, Dad?”
Dad took an appraising look at Gage, then shrugged his shoulders, closing the trunk of his car. “Sure.”
Gage glanced back and forth between them, considerably startled. “What – really?”
“Only if your parents are okay with it,” Dad amended.
“They won’t care,” Gage said immediately.
“You can take him?” Gage’s dad called, with obvious relief. “Excellent! We’ll see you at the hotel, then – behave yourself!”
Noah chose that moment to come zipping up to them, having burned off some pent-up post-airplane energy by tearing off a high-speed lap up and down the arrivals area. He was getting some stares, not that it bothered him one bit. He stopped by Noelle, panting and grinning.
“Who’s this?” he asked, looking at Gage.
“Gage, he’s staying at the same hotel. Coming with us in the car.”
“Let’s go, homie,” Noah said immediately, slapping Gage’s back.
Startling him, sending him staggering in the direction of the car. But Gage laughed, apparently unbothered. He eagerly started to fall into step beside Noah and Noelle.
By now the other boy from the other taxi had gotten out, and Noelle paused when she looked at him. He was very handsome, too. Obviously a little older, with a more mature face. He came over to see what was going on, then stopped when his eyes landed on Noelle.
“Wow,” he said, breaking into a smile. “The countryside is full of beautiful views. I thought Dad was exaggerating.”
Noelle was thrown by the outright compliment, but she smiled at him. He really was very handsome, although she liked Gage’s smile better.
“I’m Logan,” Logan went on, then glanced at Gage. “You know what, Gage? You should go with Mom and Dad. If anyone’s going to ride with people we don’t know it should be me. Safer that way.”
“What-?” Gage glanced at Noelle, then turned back to Logan. “No, I-”
But Logan cut him off, with: “Hey, no arguing. As your big brother I’ve got to look out for you.”
Noelle remembers liking that, thinking it was sweet.
Upon hearing that Logan instead of Gage would be taking the ride with strangers, Mr. Hollins came over and asked for Dad’s information before he went off with his son, then wrote down the plate number of his car. After that things moved quickly, and it was Logan, not Gage who was with them for the ride to the hotel. He got Noelle’s phone number before the ride was over, said he’d call if he had any free time for them to hang out.
Noelle didn’t see either of the Hollins brothers again for two days.
On her third morning in France, she finally got the opportunity to go out and sit on the second-floor porch at the hotel, like she wanted to. It was usually empty until around lunchtime, and it held a beautiful view of the square below. She took a chair that placed her half in the sunlight, slipped off her shoes, and drew her feet up. She started sketching what she could see below. It was peaceful and breezy, a lovely day.
Eventually a shadow fell over her, then slowly, nervously drew closer until she looked up in surprise.
“Hey, Noelle,” he blurted out, so softly that she could barely hear him. “I’m sorry to bother you. It’s, um – Gage Hollins? From the airport?”
Like she had forgotten him in under three days, she remembers thinking. Why was he so shy, too? A guy as cute as him? Not to mention clearly well-off. He was dressed handsomely, in expensive clothes which set off his natural good looks very well. He was admittedly wearing his height somewhat awkwardly, like he wasn’t used to it yet, but somehow that was charming.
And yet he could barely look at her.
He was speaking in French, too, like he was still determined to prove to her that he could. Very polite, formal French.
“Yeah, I know, I remember you,” she laughed, crinkling her nose up to let him know he was being ridiculous. “Come sit down.”
He sat on the chair opposite her, and looked curiously at her drawings. They talked a little about how their first few days in town had been. After a moment he abruptly got up again, twisting his wrist in his hand, then blurted out –
“Will you be here for a while?”
“I… yeah?”
“Okay, just wait a bit.” He was already walking backwards towards the door. “I’ll be back.”
He went rushing off, and she thought to herself that he was an oddball, but she couldn’t help liking him. She wasn’t sure if he really was going to come back, especially after some time passed with no sign of his return.
But he did come back, slightly out of breath, his expensive clothes all rumpled up.
“There we go,” he panted, setting the bottle of chilled champagne down in front of her.
She stared at it with wide eyes, then spread her hands at him in bewildered astonishment.
“Stole it very stylishly,” he explained, and then, when she narrowed her eyes in suspicion - “No. Okay. I got caught, and had to pay a hefty bribe to keep it.”
“What?” Noelle sputtered, giggling before she could stop herself.
“Yeah, um – I believe that’s called the Gérard up-charge. I named it after a guy in town willing to sell booze to underaged kids, and let their crimes go unreported, but only at a cost. Apparently.” He put a wrapped-up wedge of Parmesan on the table beside the champagne. “The cheese was way easier, I just got it at a shop.”
“Gage!” Noelle laughed. She folded her hands over her mouth, then groaned when she felt the streak of paint her pen put on her cheek. “Oh, I didn’t mean for you to go out and spend an absurd amount of money on champagne! I feel bad!”
“No, but it felt good,” he protested, puzzled by the reaction. “I haven’t touched my spending money this year for anything. What else am I gonna spend it on? Expensive – scarves, or something? Who cares about that?”
“I love expensive scarves,” Noelle answered without thinking.
“No, yeah, they’re the best,” Gage agreed, so promptly and with such apparent earnestness that Noelle burst into giggles again. “Love a good scarf. I’ve always said that.”
“Gage!”
“Look, I’m happy to support Gérard in his, uh, dreams. Whatever they are. Maybe making ceramics, or getting a band off the ground, who knows? Or maybe just getting drunk, himself.” Gage started picking at the cork of the champagne bottle, then paused and looked up at Noelle. “If you don’t want it, that’s okay. We can always just have the cheese. I can definitely sell this bottle at my school with an up-charge of my own, so. No pressure.”
Noelle bit her lip, then sat up on her knees in her chair, breaking into a grin. “Do you know how to open a champagne bottle, though?”
He grinned back at her, his shyness falling away. “I’ve seen people do it.”
“Fine, but just be sneaky about it, because we can’t get caught.”
“Def,” Gage agreed confidently, then gasped as the cork flew out of the bottle with an enormous POP! and sailed straight over the side of the porch, followed swiftly by a glittering arc of champagne.
Gage quickly brought the bottle around, smacking his palm over it to stop the stream of bubbling champagne. Noelle burst into helpless laughter, springing to her feet.
“Gage, oh my god! Did it hit anybody?”
“No,” he said, peering cautiously over the balcony. And then, getting a better look - “Oh. Yes.”
“Then we have to get out of here!” Noelle laughed, snatching up the cheese and her sketchbook. “Come on, run, run!”
He raced after her back into the hotel, without even asking where they were going. She remembers laughing pretty hard when she realized they were leaving a champagne trail in their wake. She remembers cry-laughing when she and Gage stopped in the lobby to find a drenched, bewildered Noah stumbling back into the hotel, squeezing champagne out of his hair. It was the first chaotic day in a summer of fun that she’d look back on fondly forever afterwards.
She stares down at the letter. Hey Noelle, it’s Gage Hollins from France.
Suddenly, quickly, she folds the letter back up and tucks it back into the envelope. She can’t do it to him. She can’t read even a tiny bit of the letter, knowing that he didn’t want her to.
She returns it to her backpack, where she won’t be tempted by it. Then she turns around and gazes at the grown-man version of him. His slow-breathing, naked body stretched out in the bed. She thinks about how he kissed her last night, as if he’d been waiting all this time.
She can almost see the version of him from so far back in the past. The boy outside of the airport, standing there quietly. His shy eyes stopping to linger on her face.
Very red-cheeked, she goes to the door and opens it just a crack to peek out. She’s surprised to find her suitcase sitting right outside of the bedroom door, which thankfully means she doesn’t have to put on yesterday’s rumpled outfit and do a dash for it. Noah must have put it there.
She drags it inside, draws her soft silk kimono robe out from it, and slips it on over her shoulders. With her suitcase in such a jumble she can’t find the piece that ties it closed. Eventually she gives up searching for it, and takes out her tablet instead.
She sits down on the end of the bed. Curls herself up comfortably in the growing, rosy sunlight. It falls softly across her, warming her shoulders.
She opens up the portrait of Gage that she drew recently, on that strange night when she suddenly felt like she might die if she didn’t see him. And then he showed up, like somehow he knew that.
His face, in sleep… for some reason it fills her heart up to brimming with white-hot, almost unbearable tenderness.
She watches him for a long moment, then gets to work on her drawing. Adding in more colors, more shading. Making it more… just – him. Slipping with unprecedented ease into a creative flow that normally takes her some warming up to find. The sun feels good on her skin. The breeze stirs the silk of her half-open robe against her, and that feels good, too.
She’s so absorbed in the details she’s lovingly adding that she’s caught entirely by surprise when she looks up, and finds Gage propped up on his elbow. Staring at her with sunlight pooling in his wide, unsure, forest-colored eyes.
Noelle goes still when her eyes lock with his. Then she smiles happily, setting her tablet aside.
“Hey,” she sighs adoringly, climbing up the bed towards him. He sits up, then freezes when she drops down to sit on his lap, folding her arms around his neck. “I know I said it already, but I’m so glad you came back.”
“Shit, so – so am I,” he stammers, laughing a little, blushing a lot. He lifts the hand he’s not leaning on, hesitates, and tentatively slips it beneath her robe, so he can trace his fingertips softly down her spine. “Here I was losing sleep, thinking about you – maybe waking up with regrets? Like, if… if that was an impulse thing, last night…”
“None,” Noelle answers without hesitation, happily burying her fingers in his hair. “No, I feel good. Everything feels great. Better than that. Amazing.”
Gage blinks in surprise, then breathes out a laugh, his eyes shining with his smile.
“Music to my ears. My confused, confused ears. I don’t understand anything that’s happening, actually. What’s going on? Did I – take some kind of drug that makes you see exactly what you want to see, and hear exactly what you want to hear? And gives you the physical experience, too?”
“No,” Noelle giggles, blushing deeper.
“Then I’m out of theories.”
“It’s really happening,” she laughs, smoothing her palms up his jaw. “I… had a moment of clarity yesterday.”
An earth-shaking, landmark moment of clarity that’s still humming within her chest.
Gage had gone very still, closing his eyes as her hands stroked his jaw, but now they open again to stare up at her curiously.
“Can you tell me what went down while I wasn’t here? Because – I’m happy, don’t get me wrong, I’m so happy, especially seeing this-” He gently tugs on her finger, now free of the engagement ring. “-but I don’t understand what happened.”
“Oh, I’ll gladly tell you what happened!” Noelle answers hotly.
Gage draws back, startled by the sudden fury blazing in her eyes.
“Noah told me the truth about why Logan proposed! I went to Logan with it, fully giving him the benefit of the doubt, and you know what he did? Do you know what that unforgivable idiot did!”
Gage blinks hard, then slowly breaks into a smile, shaking his head. “N-?”
“He insulted Noah, right to my face! My brother! Right to my face! The shithead, how dare he! I should have slapped him!”
Gage has caught his lip between his teeth and pinned it there, but that smile is getting away from him.
“And then he tried to insult you, Gage!”
“Yeah, that tracks.”
“Telling me that you were lying, and that it was just like you to lie, and that you were scheming behind my back to try and break me and him up! Because you were trying to steal me for yourself, and have been ever since we met!”
Gage freezes in alarm, then quickly, earnestly shakes his head, catching her hand. “I swear, Noelle-”
“I knew it wasn’t true!” Noelle interrupts fiercely. “And I told him so! Then he came at me with a bunch more stupid lies about you and Noah, and suddenly I saw right through him, and – oh, I could have killed him! I wanted to. I had to settle for shouting at him a lot. But it worked out, because Ralph’s girlfriend Calla made an enormous scene in front of everyone at Big Belly Deli. Guys like Logan press the attack mode button in her, I guess. She chased him down through this huge crowd of people, shouting about what a weasel he is-”
Gage’s mouth drops open into a shocked grin before he can help himself.
“-and then Noah caught him, and put him in the trunk of Ralph’s car so that Ralph could take him somewhere and kick his ass, then throw him on a plane back to France-”
Gage’s eyes are about as round as they go.
“-so now he’s gone, thank god.” Noelle brushes a kiss onto Gage’s forehead. “And we can finally be alone together.”
Gage stares blankly up at her, then murmurs thoughtfully –
“Did I die and go to heaven? Is that what this is? If so the rules for entry must be very different from what I’ve been made to understand.”
“Stop it,” Noelle giggles, burying her face in his neck. “I hope you didn’t leave town because you thought I’d believe those lies Logan told me about you. You must know better than that.”
Gage goes quiet for a long moment. His voice is very soft when he answers.
“No, I didn’t know better than that. I didn’t expect it, I can’t even really believe it right now. No one’s ever had faith in me the way that you do, Bug.”
Noelle’s heart stumbles. She slowly draws back, gazes deep into his serious green and brown eyes, then lifts herself from his lap. He sits up some more, watching her as she goes over to her backpack.
He freezes when she draws out the letter and holds it up.
“Logan gave me this,” she says softly, offering it to him.
Gage slowly takes it from her, gazing anxiously up into her face.
“I didn’t read it,” she adds. And then, with a guilty wince – “Well, I read the first line, but then I stopped myself. I was just going to read the first and last sentences, but then I thought that was still too much, if you didn’t want me to read it at all.”
Gage’s shoulders sink with grateful relief. He puts the letter aside, behind him, then catches her hands instead.
“Thank you for not reading it.” He lets out a heavy exhale, squeezing her fingers. “God, thank you. Not that it’s anything bad! It’s just embarrassing. Without getting too deep into it, I – let’s just say I poured my entire stupid teenaged heart into this thing. Even back then I realized it was too much, that’s part of why I didn’t send it.”
“Logan more or less said it was a love letter,” Noelle answers softly, watching Gage’s expression. “From you, to me.”
Gage freezes again, then drops his gaze to the bed. Gives his lanky shoulders a very slight, slow shrug.
“Guess – guess there’s no point pretending otherwise, now,” he murmurs.
He suddenly lifts his face to her and hooks an arm around her waist, drawing her back down onto his lap. Holding her close to him, he gazes pleadingly into her eyes.
“Yes, okay?” he says, very quietly. “Yes. But I’d rather tell you about that myself. Not have you hear it from teenage me. He sounds – too sad, and dumb, and pathetic, and awful at writing letters. And he told you everything he felt about you at once, which… let’s not do that. You’re gonna think it’s way too much.”
Noelle’s mind flashes to the days when all of her remaining symptoms hit her at once, making her fall asleep in public or collapse into bed in exhaustion for days. Or when the Fear got too bad and made her feel so impossibly alone, until she started doing things like compulsively grabbing at her clothes as if they were all choking her. The primary thought on her mind once she recovered was always the same.
Who would ever want to put up with all this, just to have me? I’m not worth all this. I can’t even be normal when I’m at one hundred percent…
Too much? That’s not a problem she ever expected to face. Especially not from someone who she never even bothered to pretend around. Someone who only knows her as her natural self.
The confirmation about the contents of Gage’s letter feels awfully good, too.
She smiles into his eyes with her own, then kisses his lips softly. “Okay. You can tell me as we go.”
“Oh. Okay. That’s – thank you.” He starts laughing, then stammers – “And Calla chased Logan through Big Belly Deli? On top of everything else?”
Noelle recounts the story for Gage in greater detail, savoring the ginormous grin it kindles in his eyes. But he hastily drops that, and clears his throat.
“Sorry. I don’t mean to seem like I’m enjoying hearing about bad shit happening to my brother. It’s just-”
“Oh, don’t be sorry,” Noelle cuts in firmly. “Now that I know what kind of guy he is I know he doesn’t deserve any brotherly loyalty. Why didn’t you tell me, by the way? The truth about what Logan is like?”
Gage shakes his head, giving her an apologetic wince.
“I’m so sorry. I wanted to a thousand times, but I couldn’t think of a way to do it that didn’t make me sound like the jealous little brother. Which is what I knew Logan would make me out to be if I said a word. He used that letter I wrote to drive me out of Paris when he asked you out again, so I wouldn’t be there to interfere. I shouldn’t have let him, but I didn’t think he’d actually go ahead with it, and propose. Then you sent me that letter saying he wanted to come here to meet your family, and I realized he was going ahead with it…”
Gage stops to take a breath before he goes on.
“I wanted to tell you more than ever once I got here, but I didn’t know at the time how much trust you’d have in what I had to say. I figured it was better to stick around close by than risk saying something that might make you want me to leave. At least if I was close I could do something, if I needed to.”
“Like if he proposed, for example,” Noelle mutters, still simmering over what Logan did. “I’m glad he won’t get any of your great-uncle’s money. Maybe going broke will teach him some humility.”
Gage smiles, as if a pleasing thought just struck him. “Hey, now the cats will get the money.”
“What? What cats?”
“Martin was threatening to leave all the money that would have gone to Logan to a charity for cats instead. Now that Logan failed to secure himself a wife, I figure Martin will go ahead and do it. Think it was some organization that provides funds for cats living with foster families, to get their vet expenses covered. Uncle Martin used to have a little cat he was fond of, so.”
“Seriously?” Noelle sits back in amazement. “So by breaking up with Logan I sent that money to a bunch of in-need cats instead? Oh, take that, Tim! Who’s the goodest now?”
“You’ll want to think carefully before you challenge Tim on that one,” Gage warns her, so gravely that it makes her giggle again. “Raj said he wasn’t even mad about the paint stain on the carpet. He just appreciated Raj and Noah fixing his fridge, since they stopped it from moving every time he opens it.”
“Really?” Noelle lets out a sigh of relief, then leans down to rest her cheek against Gage’s shoulder. “Oh, this is the best week ever.”
Gage laughs softly, sounding dazed, tightening his arms around her. “Yeah, it is. Can’t understand it. Just yesterday I was convinced this was the worst week ever.”
Noelle bites her lip, a surge of guilt rising in her chest. “I’m sorry, Gage…”
“Oh, no, don’t be sorry. It’s not your fault. If anything it’s mine, for not telling you sooner what Logan was-”
“I didn’t know you felt the same way! You didn’t ask me out when we met again. In Paris.”
His fingers pause in the middle of stroking her back. “I – did you want me to? You kept saying you wanted someone who’d keep you in line… you knew I couldn’t do that. A few days in Paris together, and we were right back to – to-”
He breaks off, struggling for a way to phrase it.
“Leaving champagne trails again?” Noelle suggests, with an intimate smile.
He pauses, then meets her smile with his own, his eyes alight with inner warmth. “Exactly.”
“The reason I kept saying that was because I thought that if I told you what I wanted, you’d – you’d start doing it for me. And then I could tell myself it was practical for us to be together.”
“Oh.” Gage sounds truly thrown by this piece of information. It’s a long moment before he answers. “Yeah, I didn’t get that at all. I thought you were trying to nicely warn me that I wasn’t what you wanted.”
“No!”
Gage stares at her like he’s trying to see if she really means it, then lowers his astonished gaze to the bed.
“Okay, that’s – I’m gonna have to take some time to let that one sink in. But… I’m not sure if it would’ve made a difference if I had understood. I’m sorry, but I wouldn’t have done that. Even for you – especially not for you.”
Yes, she knows that now. She should have known it all along. Gage is just too much his own man to change himself like that. It would be impossible for him to become the kind of guy who would scold her for having too much fun, or getting too excited.
“It’s a good thing you wouldn’t, because I’ve changed my mind about that being what I need.” Noelle lets out a heavy breath of relief, realizing she just said it out loud. “I’m tired of trying to live that way. Especially now that I know this way feels so good.”
She nestles closer to him with that last part, and hears the glowing smile in his voice when he murmurs -
“Cool. Good. I’m glad.” He pauses, then lets out a soft, reeling laugh. “Hang on, you – really – you want me? You really don’t – don’t mind me-?”
“Don’t mind you?” Noelle sputters, drawing back to stare at him with incredulous eyes. “Is that all you think this is? You dumb one!”
He looks a little dizzy. “Sorry, I’m just trying to get my head around all this.”
“Don’t be sorry. Just tell me… look, it’s okay if you don’t want me to read the letter, but… you…” Noelle hesitates, then just asks. “Do you still feel the same way about me now as you did when you wrote it? That’s all I’ll ask. I need to know I’m not the only one who feels this way.”
Gage blinks in surprise. He breathes out another laugh, then answers without stopping to think. “Look, I promised to love you forever, and-”
“What?” Noelle interrupts, her eyes going very wide. “No, you didn’t.”
There’s a brief silence.
“Well – no, not out loud, not to your face, I wouldn’t have done that,” Gage answers, blushing crimson as he realizes what he said. “But I…”
He hesitates, then takes the letter from the envelope and unfolds it.
“Alright, you wanted to read the first and last sentences? Here’s the last one.”
He holds out the page to Noelle, and she drops her gaze to the last sentence of the letter.
It’s okay if you don’t feel the same way about me, I hope you’ll still be my friend and send me letters and drawings, and please let me know if you ever feel differently – and I mean ever because I will always love you (I’m not sure how but I just know that I will), so you just tell me if I can be allowed to have a chance and I’ll meet you anyplace, I’ll be there. -Gage
Noelle slowly lifts her eyes to meet his, having a hard time getting a breath.
Gage hurriedly takes the letter back and stuffs it into the envelope, letting out an anxious laugh. “Okay, that’s all that ever needs to be read from this letter. It’s going into the fire as soon as I go downstairs-”
He’s cut off as Noelle leans forward to kiss him passionately, holding two tight handfuls of his hair. He falls flat onto his back, his hands slipping inside her robe. The tips of his fingers skate over her skin, his knuckles brushing along the silk fabric.
“Did – did you say I need to know I’m not the only one who feels this way?” he asks suddenly, breaking off the kiss. “Is that what you said? S-so – which means – Bug?”
“Yes, obviously!” she laughs softly, hiding her face against his neck. “Obviously!”
Gage absorbs that in thoughtful silence. Eventually Noelle wonders what this reaction is, so she lifts her face for a peek at his. The expression of glowing delight that meets her eyes so powerfully reminds her of a happy puppy that she bursts out laughing.
He starts to stammer something at her, and she kisses him again, the love in her heart shining brighter and brighter. She’s never seen him look so happy. Usually he’s smiling with only his eyes, not his whole face.
It seems he can’t help it, not at the moment. He can barely stop smiling long enough to kiss her back as he locks his arms around her again.
“So it’s – just to be clear, it wasn’t a one-night thing?” he murmurs, his lips brushing against hers.
Noelle closes her eyes in adoring disbelief. Clearly it’s going to take a while for him to grasp this.
“No, not a one-night thing.”
His lips form a beaming smile against hers, but he stops, hesitating. “And you – you don’t want me to give up my work…?”
Noelle sits back so she can look down at him. “No.”
It turns out she feels the same way about him as he does about her in more ways than one. She can’t make herself tell him to give up something that makes him feel good and happy. After everything he’s been through, he deserves to be happy so much. To take any piece of it away from him would be a crime.
“I’m not about to ask you to give up your art, Gage. I’m an artist, too, so I know how that would feel.”
Gage sinks back in relief, staring at her with wide eyes. “Really, Bug? Because I – I will give it up, if you… I just – I’ve known people comfortable with it, and I’ve known people who it turned out weren’t. If you want to think about it, that’s okay.”
Noelle does take a second to think about it.
“See? I can do that!” she blurts out, in a furious voice that makes Gage give a startled jolt. “I can stop to think about things, it’s not all impulse! Despite what Logan would probably say!”
Gage blinks in surprise, then breaks into a warm, amused smile. “Yeah, I see.”
Noelle takes a calming breath, then glances at the nightstand, where Gage left his old video camera in its case. Her hands unconsciously reach out for it. Gage watches her curiously as she takes the camera out and gazes down at it.
Is she okay with this? She’s had her feelings for him all this time, knowing he was doing it. The night she saw him exhausted right after work, for the first time – that didn’t put her off at all. It made her experience a lot of feelings that ran the opposite way of that.
It was that view of him that she drew, when her hands seemed to take off without her conscious input that one night.
He’s been pretty careful not to talk to her about his work too much, and she’s never let herself watch one of his films. The thought made her cheeks burn too hot, stirred up a bunch of complicated emotions that seemed better left buried deep somewhere.
But now?
She hesitates, then turns on the camera and opens the little viewing screen. She hits the button to pull up the most recent footage.
The merciful thing is that it doesn’t just start playing. It’s paused. But the shot it’s paused on is Gage moaning into a bed, with a gorgeous dark-haired man bent over him, biting his neck. So, it feels about as good as watching the video.
It’s all Noelle can do not to slam the little screen shut. Even fighting not to, she slaps it closed pretty hard. She only looked at the still image for about three seconds, but her cheeks are on fire, her pulse fluttering.
“Oh, my god. Why did I think it would be a good idea to look at that right in front of you?”
He’s gazing searchingly at her blushing face, his eyes narrowed in surprise.
“Did you like it?” he asks abruptly, with a sweet, playful smile.
Noelle’s burning cheeks are at a temperature level that could melt glass. But what’s the point of lying to someone who knows her this well? She nods sheepishly, then lets out an abashed laugh. Then another laugh when she sees what an enormous, goofball smile that piece of information earns from Gage.
“This is the best,” he sighs happily, falling back into the bed. “I always wished I could show you my art, like you can show me yours. Always wanted to know what you’d think. You know your opinion’s important to me.”
“I might – might have to ease myself into it,” Noelle giggles, shaking her head helplessly. “Maybe next time I’ll even unpause the video. Who’s that guy with you, by the way?”
“One of Francesco’s – husbands? I don’t know. I’m still not sure what exactly the situation is over there. His name is Tyler. He’s nice.”
“I just wasn’t expecting him to be wearing those big demon horns,” Noelle manages unsteadily. “The, um. The ones you were holding onto. They looked very real. Is demon sex your sex specialty?”
“No, my sex specialty is Tantra. We didn’t really get time for that last night, but I’ll show you later, if you want.”
“What!” Noelle sputters, blushing deeper, wondering if she knows what that means.
“The demon horns are just because I wanted to do something fun for Halloween, and Tyler was down,” Gage goes on evenly. “I shot that a while ago, but I’ll have it edited and ready to go just in time for the holiday.”
Noelle stares blankly at him, then dissolves into giggles. “Something fun for Halloween!”
“So what, everyone else is feeling festive,” Gage protests, infected by her laughter. “Why shouldn’t I?”
“I’m just trying to wrap my head around anyone referring to what I just saw as ‘something fun for Halloween’.”
A puzzled crease forms between Gage’s eyebrows. “What’s weird about that?”
“It’s not weird, that’s just how most people would be talking about, like – wearing bat-shaped earrings, or something!”
“Oh. Yeah.” Gage clearly isn’t following, but he’s trying. “Guess I only wore the harness, huh? Should I wear some little bat studs next time? My ears are pierced.”
“That’s not what I-” Noelle bursts into helpless giggles again, burying her face in her hands. “Oh, nevermind!”
She grows more serious when she opens her eyes to find Gage smiling dreamily at her, looking dazed.
She hesitates, then asks quickly - “But it is different, right? For you? When it’s with me?”
A puzzled furrow appears between Gage’s eyebrows. “Answer’s definitely yes, but in comparison to what?”
She gestures vaguely at the video camera. “To…”
“To – when it’s for work?” Gage asks incredulously, then just laughs when she nods.
That laugh felt like an answer and then some. You’d think she’d asked him something patently absurd.
“Okay,” she answers softly, wondering if she’s glowing on the outside like she is on the inside. “Then – no, don’t give it up. I know how much you like doing it. And you know what? The world needs to see this.”
She trails her hand up his bare body as she says it, wishing she could draw him like this. Maybe he’ll let her.
He breathes out a laugh, but at the same time holds his body very still beneath her hands. Then he seems to process what she said.
He blinks hard at her, gazing deep into her eyes. “Wait – really, you don’t mind?”
Noelle bites her lip, then shakes her head. Gage sinks back in relief again, closes his eyes for a long moment.
“Cool,” he manages eventually. “Because I kind of accepted a job with a deadline today, and I still have to shoot it.”
Noelle spreads her hands in disbelief. “You were up to accepting a job in the middle of all this? I haven’t drawn anything in – since you left town!”
“I had to, or I won’t have any money,” he explains, with a wince. “It sounded like the perfect job, because it’s a German online magazine called Strumpfbänder that just wants a few photos, and what they asked for is all stuff I can shoot, um – from the waist down. Which is good, because I was worried I’d look too sad for anything else. But then I tried to shoot the photos the day before yesterday, and I weirdly felt like even my legs looked sad, somehow?”
Noelle stares at him in amazement, her hand pressed to her forehead, her heart aching with incredulous, helpless love.
“You goon,” she stammers weakly. “Jesus, everything about that-” She stops to catch her breath before she goes on. “So now you have to shoot it today?”
“Yeah, but it’s just a few photos, it shouldn’t take me that long.”
Noelle hesitates, then blurts out the impulsive idea that just flew into her mind. “Do you want me to take them?”
He blinks hard at her, thrown off. “What – seriously?”
“If you need help… I don’t know, it sounds kind of fun.”
Gage stares at her in disbelief, then laughs and shrugs his shoulders. “Alright. If you’re serious, and – yeah. Okay. Let me just get my camera set up, and grab the thing they told me to wear.”
He takes out his camera and starts doing something to it, then grabs his backpack and feels around in it for something. Noelle seizes the chance to quickly, sneakily pick up her phone.
There are five missed calls from Logan. She clears those with a roll of her eyes, blocks him for good measure, and moves on directly to the more pressing matter. She opens her translation app, and puts in strumpfbander. It gives her an immediate answer. Still, she’s not prepared at all when she turns around to find Gage taking a lacy black garter out of his backpack.
“Oh, my god,” she giggles, accepting the camera from him. “There’s a market for this kind of photo? Hot men in lacy garters?”
“Like you wouldn’t believe,” he answers, so firmly and immediately that she starts laughing again.
She watches him draw the wide piece of black lace up his thigh and settle it into place. “Why does it look weirdly good on you?”
“You think so, Bug? Thanks, that’s nice.”
God, he’s so fine. “What do we do now?”
“Well, I-” He hesitates, suddenly shy again. “Have to look turned on, so…”
“Oh, I can help with that one,” Noelle answers, stretching out her arms for him. He eagerly comes over and catches her up into his own, and she gasps a little, laughing. “What – you already are turned on!”
“Now, sure,” he agrees, as if the half-second of contact between them was obviously more than enough.
Noelle is sure she can do better, though. She melts back into the bed as he falls over her, pushing the silk robe down her shoulders, softly biting her lips. She takes deep breaths of him, parting her thighs to make room for him. Holding him as close to her as possible, right where she wants him.
“No, wait, the garter!” she giggles, breaking her lips away from his. “I can feel you wearing it! You’re going to give me some – some very specific fetish I didn’t have before!”
“That’s a big part of my job,” he answers, confused. “Besides, it’s fun to get a very specific fetish you didn’t have before. Haven’t you ever tried it?”
Noelle tries to answer, then gives up and starts laughing again. Amazed at how natural this all feels, so effortless, so fun… the happiness shining in her right now is wild.
In the last twenty-four hours she’s done more by pure instinct than she has in years. And everything that’s happened since, everything, has felt so good.
This, she thinks to herself, letting her eyes flutter closed, taking two handfuls of Gage’s hair. This is what’s right. Finally, this is what’s right.
Want to leave a comment? I would love it if you did, and you can do so on the Tapas episode!