Special Episode: Fractures
This episode is part of a larger story, Soft Touch. If you haven’t yet, you can go back and read it from the beginning right here.
Ralph is cursing at himself the whole drive to Aiden’s house.
He caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror, and he knows he doesn’t look good. If only he could have gotten some new goddamn clothes, but it was between that and keeping the electric company from shutting off his power.
Honestly, though, new clothes would only have helped so much. Ralph’s eyes are bruised with exhaustion from working all night, his face pale and peaky from way too little sleep. That’s the price he’s got to pay if he’s gonna grow his business.
It strikes Ralph as a strangely familiar sight, his own face looking this worn out with work. Calls to mind some ancient memory from when he was little. But he has an uneasy feeling that he doesn’t want to think about that, so he doesn’t.
He gives himself a shake as he pulls into the driveway at Aiden’s house, trying to wake up some more - then wakes all the way up when the front door is forcefully shoved open, and Aiden comes storming out into the night air. He wrenches his snapback down backwards over his hair as he goes, his blue eyes blazing.
His aunt rushes out of the house after him, her dark golden hair bouncing around her shoulders. Ralph starts to raise one hand to wave at her, then stops when he realizes she’s shouting at Aiden.
Aiden keeps his head down and determinedly ignores his aunt as he strides towards Ralph’s car, but her usually soft-spoken voice is high-pitched and upset enough that even Ralph can hear her.
“-did you even get this?” she’s saying to Aiden’s back, holding up a mostly-empty bottle of whiskey. “Please, please, sweetheart, just be honest with me!”
“I told you, Auntie,” Aiden calls over his shoulder, without slowing down or turning around. “It's not mine. I don’t know where it came from. One of your friends probably forgot it here.”
She stops where she is, suddenly on the brink of tears. “It was in your hand, Aiden. You were asleep with it in your hand!”
Aiden stops dead in the driveway, blinking hard. He stands there for a split second, perfectly still. Then, without looking back at his aunt, he silently sets off for Ralph’s car again.
“Aiden - wait!” She follows him down the driveway, swiping the back of one hand over her eyes. “Wait, honey, please! I just want to talk, you can talk to m-”
Her voice is cut off as Aiden drops into Ralph’s car and slams the door after himself.
“Can we please get the fuck out of here?” he sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose like his head is killing him.
Ralph backs the car out of the driveway, and catches Ms. Callahan staring at him with daggers in her eyes. She used to be happy to have Ralph around - or at least to see Aiden with a friend - but Ralph is pretty sure she hates him by now.
One more for that endless list, he thinks to himself, trying not to flinch at the feeling of her burning glare on his face. Guess that’s just how it goes.
Aiden sinks down low in his seat, doesn’t say anything.
Ralph can tell that Aiden is hungover, and he notes with some grating irritation that it hasn’t really affected his appearance at all. His bronze skin is all warm and glowing, his shiny hair softened up from a recent shower, his blue eyes bright and clear - his face isn’t even puffy. The girls are gonna be falling all over him at the party, like they always are.
Ralph, on the other hand, looks like he hasn’t slept in weeks. He knows he looks like a wreck.
Makes him think of how when Noah sprained his wrist and showed up at school with a cast, the girls were all over that. But when Ralph showed up with a black eye after a difficult night at work, everyone looked at him like they were twice as afraid of him as they were before. Girls were going out of their way to avoid him in the hallways.
Some shit just doesn’t apply to him, apparently.
“Man, am I glad to see you,” Aiden sighs, drawing Ralph’s surprised eyes to him. “Thanks for rescuing me.”
Ralph quickly gets his eyes back on the road, warm with quiet relief. At least Aiden is never embarrassed to be seen with him, no matter what he’s looking like. Noah, neither.
“No problem.” Ralph rolls down all of the windows to get Aiden some air. “It was getting loud back there, huh?”
Aiden lets out a pained sound, and Ralph laughs. Aiden sits up some more as his aunt’s house falls out of sight, carefully not looking at it in the rearview. He seems relieved, too, maybe because Ralph didn’t really say anything about what just went down.
“You got something to drink?” he mumbles, and then, when Ralph offers him his water bottle - “Not what I meant.”
“Just fuckin’ have some, A, you know it’ll make you feel better. There’s Advil in the glove box, too.”
Aiden takes a long sip of water, and his eyes open up a little more. He fumbles around in the glove box, then winces at the sound of the tablets rattling around in the bottle as he gets some out.
Ralph watches him with worried eyes, keeping his face in the shadows so Aiden doesn’t notice.
He’s read about military vets who come home from their tours with extreme sensitivities to certain things. Lights, smells, noise. Aiden seems to have some similar problem, based on how he flinches when things get loud. Sometimes when it’s not even that loud at all, it seems like it’s way too loud for him.
The problem gets better when Aiden is wasted, so they should be fine once they get to the party. Truth is, though, sometimes this shit keeps Ralph up at night.
He knows Aiden looks like the perfect picture of being young and healthy, but that doesn’t matter. He thinks about Aiden with his sensitivity to noise, the random and intense headaches he’s always getting. He runs through lists of possibilities that make him cold to the bone at the thought, all the things that could take Aiden away from him. A brain tumor? A serious head injury Aiden never realized he took when he was a kid? Some genetic disorder that could take him out? The first symptoms of something else?
The thought just drifting through Ralph’s head fills him with a near-overwhelming, inexplicable urge to seize Aiden’s wrist and make sure he’s still there, still fine and breathing.
He permits himself a slap of Aiden’s shoulder instead. “Wake up, dipshit. It’s almost party time.”
Aiden blinks away his distracted, far-off stare. He puts his face to the cool air rolling through the windows, taking long breaths. “Where’s Grant?”
“Meeting us there.”
“Noosh?”
“Grounded again, but he said to just pull up at the end of his block. Melanie’s with him, she needed somewhere to wait after she snuck out.”
It’s pretty obvious that Melanie isn’t happy about how this arrangement worked out. When they pull up, Noah is busy throwing rocks into the empty little canal that runs below the bridge at the end of the street, and Mel is standing a few feet behind him with her arms folded over her chest, a disapproving frown on her pretty face.
“Thank you so much for sticking me with Noah,” she complains, shoving some empty beer cans and food wrappers off of the backseat so she can get in. “That boy should never get within a thousand miles of anything remotely fragile. I hope you guys know he’s been-”
Aiden leans into the backseat to kiss Melanie, cutting her off. She melts immediately, lifting her hands to his jaw.
“Hey,” she giggles breathlessly, when he sits back.
This is apparently improving Aiden’s mood better than anything else so far, because he eagerly gets out and climbs into the backseat with her. She laughs adoringly as he catches her by her waist and draws her up close to him.
Noah bounds over and knocks on the driver’s side window, so Ralph gets out to let him take the wheel. They exchange a hand slap before Ralph goes around to the passenger’s side, and Ralph notes with affectionate relief that Noah didn’t say anything about how he looks, either. He just flashed Ralph a big grin, like he’s happy to see him.
Ralph lets out a sputter of laughter as Noah suddenly streaks up behind him before he can get back into the car. “Dude, what are you-?”
He doesn’t know what’s going on, but he rushes to get out of the way, and Noah sprints after him in a mad dash around the car.
Aiden gets out to stare at them, then spreads his hands in bewilderment, laughing. “The fuck are you two doing?”
Noah pulls up to a stop, grinning and panting, bouncing on his feet. “Nothin’. Just had some energy. Wanted to see how many laps I could make Ralph run.”
“What-?” Ralph lets out another sputter of indignant laughter, circling back to punch Noah’s shoulder. “Noosh! You had me doing that for no reason, man? Goddamnit, add you to the mix and suddenly everyone’s acting a fool!”
Still laughing and out of breath, Noah flings his arms around Ralph from behind and squeezes his shoulders. “Don’t be mad at me.”
“Nah, I’m-” Ralph shakes him off and turns to grin at him, overwhelmed with immense affection. “I’m not.”
Melanie’s gotten out of the car, too, and she’s making a face at the three of them like she’s reconsidering everything.
“I think I might go find some cooler people to go to the party with,” she says apologetically, giggling and backing away.
Aiden catches her by her waist and lifts her off of her feet, holding her against his side like a caveman. She blushes and lets out a burst of faux-outraged giggles as he effortlessly carries her to the car and firmly places her inside.
Ralph settles into the passenger’s seat, smiling to himself as the rest of the crew climbs into the car with him.
Aiden lifts his head from Melanie’s neck just long enough to catch Noah’s eyes in the rearview as he straps in. “You’re not fucked up, right, dude?”
“Nah.” Noah flashes Aiden a devious grin, rattling the little pill case attached to his keys. “But I’ll be flyin’ later.”
Melanie wrinkles her nose as Ralph slams the passenger’s side door after himself. “Wow, does it smell like teenage boy in this car.”
Ralph’s smile drops away, and turns his face aside so she doesn’t see him wince.
He knows that it’s him. He can smell himself. He desperately wishes he had time to take a shower and at least do some laundry before this, but he ended up using that time to snatch a little sleep, instead. He worked all night last night, sorting out some confusion with the new boys he recruited, making deliveries and strategizing, counting out cuts. He came home and did just enough homework so that he won’t fail out, then had to figure out something to eat for dinner. The sun was coming up by the time he dragged himself into bed, and his alarm went off for school an hour later.
The hour he got wasn’t even good sleep. He had a weird and horrible nightmare. He dreamt he was floating alone in endless darkness, like he was suspended in some vast inky ocean or the blackness of deep space. Completely alone, with nothing to see in any direction - until suddenly two streaks of light appeared from nowhere. They raced along like lightning. Silver and gold, throwing off sparks, blazingly and brilliantly bright.
They were coming right for Ralph. When they hit him, for a split second he was glowing, full of their borrowed light.
And then they passed right through him, without slowing down. They raced off into the darkness again until they vanished, leaving him where he was.
Awful sleep. Can’t even say why he hated that dream so much, but he startled awake forcefully enough that he nearly smashed his phone trying to get the alarm turned off. Opened his eyes more exhausted than he’d been before he went to sleep.
He didn’t even mean to pass out again when he got home after school today. He just did, with his face on his desk. He’s gonna end up nocturnal, at this rate.
Still, that was stupid, he should have showered instead…
“I can’t decide if that boy’s locker room smell is awful, or if I like it,” Melanie adds.
Well, that’s something, Ralph tells himself gloomily.
“Are you just saying that ‘cause you’re annoyed at me, Mel?” Noah asks, mercifully changing the subject. “I don’t even get why. Because I was talking about how I want to drive out to the dump and smash some old furniture? Aiden thought it sounded good.”
“No, although that’s the dumbest plan ever,” Mel laughs, then hurries to recover her irritated frown as Noah smiles at her with his eyes in the rearview. “It was because you were still throwing rocks into the canal even though you nearly hit someone’s window twice, right in front of my eyes!”
“Wait - when’d you guys make that plan?” Ralph cuts in, glancing at Aiden.
He shrugs his massive shoulders. “It’s not really a plan, but we talked about it during soccer.”
Ralph tries his best not to break into an all-out scowl. A flash of blinding jealousy makes his cheeks burn, followed by another when he sees Melanie all snuggled up in Aiden’s arms, his fingers resting on her upper thigh.
Ralph wouldn’t even need one hand to count how many girls he’s gotten this year. The closest he came to getting any wasn’t close at all. He just walked into the extra bedroom at his house to find a naked chick from school sprawled out in the bed.
Ralph had frozen in the doorway, bewildered and blushing. His body figured out what he was looking at way before he actually did. For a split second, he thought he’d wanted something like this to happen so badly that through sheer force of will he’d somehow brought her into existence, and finally there she was, a beautiful girl waiting for him…
She rolled over, giving him an eyeful, then moaned and covered her eyes as the lights he’d flipped on slanted across her face.
“Noah?” she’d called drowsily, reaching out for him.
Ralph had simply slammed the door and rushed back downstairs, but the image of her was burned into his brain. The sight of her woke up his hunger with a roar, and he had no good enough way to bed it back down. The incident left him worked up and agitated enough that he went and snapped at Noah basically for no reason. Gave him a bunch of shit about bringing his hookups over to the house, made up some lie about how his mom could come back to the house at any time and then they’d all be busted.
Noah was bewildered and taken aback, given he’d done it a few times before without incident, and Aiden brings Mel there all the time for the exact same reason, and Ralph’s mom has never been seen at the house. But he reluctantly agreed not to do it anymore.
Ralph is snapped out of his thoughts as Noah glances around for cops, then tears the car away from the curb, whipping it out in a swift arc that makes Mel let out a startled, half-laughing squeal. The move sends a blast of cool night air through the car, and Aiden lifts his head to take a deep breath. Ralph closes his eyes for a second, imagines all his tangled thoughts blowing away on the breeze.
Noah turns up the music, lights up a cigarette, and tosses his inky hair out of his eyes. It’s starting to get long again, after his mom made him cut it. He usually grows it out over the summer while he’s in France, but this year he didn’t go. Ralph talked him out of it. He’s always hated having Noah so far away for that long.
It’s not only that Ralph misses Noah too badly when he’s gone, although that was a big part of it. There’s always that quiet, icy fear in Ralph that Noah might decide he likes France better and stay there. Better to keep him here, just to be safe. Noah’s sister was upset that he made her go all alone, but Noah said she’d probably get over it.
The lights of Ketterbridge streak past the windows in glowing stripes as they cruise towards the party. It’s up on a hill outside of town, one of those fancy houses with a pool and a view and all that. Means the cops never bother driving all the way out to break it up, but Ralph never feels comfortable in places so big and shiny and bougie. No matter how many parties like this they go to.
He nervously bounces the steel toe of his combat boot against the car floor, making a tiny noise that’s lost beneath the music.
“Are you guys excited?” Mel asks, nuzzling her nose against the hard line of Aiden’s jaw.
“I’d rather go to the dump,” Ralph mutters, then blinks in surprise when Aiden and Noah both laugh.
“Alright, well, since we’re not going to the dump to pointlessly smash furniture, and we are going to the party,” Melanie says pointedly, “Dahlia brought a friend for you, Ralph.”
Ralph looks up sharply to catch Mel’s eye in the rearview. “What?”
“She’s really nice, and she’s beautiful,” Melanie goes on steadily. “Her name is Mia. She’s from Greenrock. Dahlia showed her a picture of you, and she’s definitely interested, so. Don’t mess it up.”
Ralph turns his face back to the window, staring through it in blank-faced dismay.
It’s good she’s from Greenrock. Means she doesn’t know about things like - like how kids at school mockingly place bets on how long it’ll take before Ralph ends up in juvie.
But on pretty much every other front, this is a fucking disaster.
Ralph looks at himself in the rearview, taking in his messy, greasy blonde hair falling into his face. The dark exhaustion bruises around his eyes, standing in sharp contrast to the anxious paleness of his complexion. His nose, with the permanent boxer’s bump in the bridge. His arm, all bruised up from a scuffle after a customer tried to short him. His tattered shirt, with the hole he hasn’t had time to patch up, ringed with dry sweat around the collar from yesterday.
Fuck. Ralph already feels like nothing, especially standing beside Aiden. Even when he tried his best. This is… god.
Ralph flinches away from his own reflection, keeping his face in the shadows so no one sees his expression.
Aiden must have seen something, though. Ralph feels blue eyes lingering on him from the backseat.
Noah streaks the car up to the party and skids it out to the side. The tip of the cigarette between his fingers sends off molten orange sparks into the night, the tires spinning before they lock to a stop. He parked them pretty far back from the house, but the people hanging out outside all take notice immediately, watching them through the dark night air.
The house is huge, glittering against the thick darkness of the night sky. Music is spilling out through the open windows, and people from school are clustered on the porch and immaculate green lawn. Chatter and laughter flood out from the open front door.
Melanie gets out and sets off for the party, smoothing down her pretty raspberry-colored dress, which sets off her figure and shows off her gorgeous legs. Noah rushes up alongside her and starts pushing back the people who come up to talk to her, swatting down their phones, acting like he’s her private security detail. She laughs, then groans, then laughs again when she pushes him away and he dramatically pretends to go flying, landing flat on his back and everything.
Aiden doesn’t follow them. He falls back, catching Ralph’s arm. He pulls him around to the trunk of the car, then pops it, blocking the party from view.
Ralph watches in confusion as Aiden drags out his soccer bag from the trunk, where he left it after school. He pulls out one of his athletic shirts, the kind he wears to lift weights before practice.
He wordlessly pulls off the shirt he’s wearing, tosses it to Ralph, and tugs on a charcoal grey athletic shirt instead.
Ralph stands there in startled silence for a moment. Then he quickly pulls off his own ratty shirt and replaces it with Aiden’s clean, long-sleeved one. It’s too big by a lot, but at least Ralph is pretty much tall enough for it. It’s alright when he rolls the sleeves back, and it smells faintly like laundry detergent. Also covers up the bruises on Ralph’s arm, and the fang scars from the long-healed dog bite. The soft fabric is an olive green color, which goes okay with his eyes. Brightens them up so he doesn’t look quite so tired.
He almost kinda looks normal.
Ralph badly wants to thank Aiden, but his throat feels all choked and rough, and he’s afraid of how his voice will sound. Instead he snags Aiden’s deodorant out of his gym bag and puts some on.
“Good idea,” Aiden says.
Ralph makes an irritated face at him. Aiden raises one eyebrow, and Ralph raises one back, and they both dissolve into quiet laughter. Ralph’s heart aches in his chest, overcome with deep fraternal warmth.
For the first time since Melanie told him what was up, a tiny stirring of hope flickers to life within him. Maybe things won’t be a total disaster with Mia. Maybe fate will cut him a break tonight, for once. He’s already been waiting for what feels like forever for the right girl for him to show up. It’s gotta be soon, right?
Maybe tonight, if he doesn’t ruin it.
Ralph bites his lip, trying to figure out what he should act like when Mia gets here. Not himself, she definitely wouldn't like that, but she probably won’t like the version of himself he pretends to be at school, either, so - shit, what else is there?
Aiden slams the trunk closed, then lets out a sputter of laughter when he finds Noah directly behind it, grinning from ear to ear.
“Who’s ready to go on a journey, baby?” Noah asks, the pill case dangling from his fingers. “I took one, but I got two more.”
“Nah, man, I need a drink.” Aiden hops up to sit down on the trunk of the car, then lets out a heavy sigh of relief. “Oh, thank fuckin’ god. Reinforcements.”
He’s just spotted Grant, who’s crossing the moonlit lawn towards the car with a full bottle of whiskey in one hand. He distractedly hands it to Aiden when he gets there.
“Hey,” he says, without looking up from his phone.
“Nothing to mix it with, bro?” Noah complains.
Grant rolls his eyes, still typing away. “What, am I in charge of making well drinks for you guys? Go inside if you want mixers.”
“I make them for you,” Noah says, pouting a little.
Aiden has already taken a giant swig from the bottle, then another, then handed it off to Ralph. He’s starting to look annoyed, maybe from the thumping music and noise of the party reaching him. He rubs his temples after he hands the bottle off, wincing again.
“Let’s get a picture, Aiden,” Grant says, and elbows Ralph out of the way.
Okay. So maybe Ralph doesn’t look as passably alright as he’d hoped.
Aiden watches as Ralph sullenly steps out of frame and folds his arms over his chest. His blue eyes flit from Ralph to Grant with a dark, scorching expression, but he had already started to lean down for the picture, so Grant snaps the photo.
He frowns once he takes a look at it. “Ugh - you look pissed off, Aiden. You didn’t even smile. I can’t use this.”
Aiden blows out an exasperated breath, sounding like he’s struggling to talk through a throbbing headache. “Use it? The fuck does that mean?”
“Means I can’t post it.”
Aiden opens one eye, clearly getting irritated. “Is that the only reason you wanted it?”
“Enough,” Ralph growls at Grant, looking down the road and seeing this is headed nowhere. He hands Aiden back the bottle and scans the crowd for signs of the girl Dahlia brought for him, his anxiety picking all the way back up. “Can you guys just be chill for a few fucking seconds?”
Grant’s skeptical eyes briefly flit up to Ralph. “Like you’re being so chill?”
“I’m chillin’,” Noah puts in brightly, rocking on his combat boots.
“Easy to do after you pop a fucking pill,” Ralph snaps, so sharply that Noah recoils a little, blinking hard.
Aiden scowls at Ralph. “Jesus, man.”
“Yeah, why are you so edgy?” Grant asks, looking at his phone again.
“I’m not.” Ralph snatches the bottle back from Aiden for another drink, trying not to visibly cringe as he accidentally catches a glimpse of himself in the rearview. “Hey, Noosh, I - I didn’t - Noosh-”
Too late. Noah is already half running, half skipping towards the party. Ralph caught the dangerous glint in his grey eyes before he turned away. The reckless electricity that means he’s off to look for some trouble to get into.
“One of us should go stop him before he does something dumb,” Grant sighs, with the tone of someone about to clock in for the world’s most boring job.
He sets off after Noah towards the house, leaving Ralph and Aiden at the car.
Ralph leans back against the trunk beside Aiden and watches them go, his stomach suddenly in knots. He finds himself with a white-knuckle grip on the whiskey bottle.
He didn’t mean to snap at Noah like that, it just came out. But he can tell Aiden is pissed at him about it, and that Noah is hurt, and that Grant is already bored with all of this.
It didn’t used to be this way. It’s like they’re all fighting all the time, lately.
Through the approaching alcohol haze, Ralph feels it. That confused tangle of freezing-cold panic that’s taken up residence in his chest, and hasn’t fully gone away for too damn long. Actually, it’s getting worse all the time.
Everything feels too fragile, way too fucking fragile. Seems like at any second any or all of his brothers could just decide they’ve had enough of this.
Ralph would do everything humanly possible to fix it, if he knew how, but everything he does just seems to make the problem worse. Half the time he can’t even figure out what he did to make Aiden angry, or why he himself then turned around and took everything out on Noah, or if Grant honestly even likes hanging out with them at all…
The icy panic in Ralph swells and swells, pushing against his ribs like frostbitten thorns. He takes a long drink from the bottle, and the burn it gives him going down feels good. Warm. At least something feels warm, in the midst of the silent ice age happening within him.
He gives a startled jolt as Aiden nudges his arm.
“Hey,” Aiden says, laughing a little.
He must be drinking on an empty stomach, because his blue eyes are already slightly blurred from the huge swigs he’s taken from the bottle, and he’s finally starting to smile.
“When should we go smash some furniture at the dump, dude?” he asks, his words melting together a little. “You were right. Sounds better than this.”
“At least no one gives a damn if you break stuff at the dump,” Ralph answers distractedly. “Bet Kaitlyn’s gonna flip when Noah inevitably breaks something in her fuckin’ wedding cake of a house. Ten to one odds we get thrown out of this party.”
“If you’re predicting it, I just assume it’s right.” Aiden pauses, his eyebrows drawn together in vague confusion. “Hang on - the cops care, don’t they? If you just start smashing stuff at the dump?”
“Oh.” Ralph shrugs his shoulders, unconcerned. “Yeah, I guess there’s them. If you’re worried about their feelings, sure, that’s a problem.”
Aiden lets out a huff of laughter, watching Ralph with his chin resting on his folded arms.
“That’s such a you answer.” He reaches down to mess up Ralph’s blonde hair with his fingers. “Well, whatever. Let’s definitely go. I bet Noosh five bucks that he can’t - can’t - throw a desk clear across the, um - the - what’s it called? You’d know. Your brain has got to be twice as big as m-mine-”
Ralph starts laughing as Aiden groans and gives up on trying to talk.
The panic dissolves into a crashing, white-hot supernova of burning fraternal love as it dawns on him. Aiden is still right here, at Ralph’s side. Like he promised forever ago.
He’s the most popular guy at the party, the one who could choose to hang with anybody present - and he’s choosing to be here, hanging out with Ralph. Just like he always does.
Makes no goddamn sense, and honestly never has to Ralph. His mind has gone off in a thousand different directions on this one, and no plausible explanation has ever occurred to him. But that’s what’s happening now, and that’s what happens every time.
And apparently Ralph was already considered to be part of the plan that was made during soccer.
Ralph lights up a cigarette to steady himself. He’s searching for something to say to Aiden, but again, he’s real worried about how his voice will come out.
Aiden suddenly breathes out a soft, relieved sigh, like somebody just lifted some huge weight off of him. He slowly closes his eyes until they disappear behind his dark lashes, his tipsy half-smile growing into a real smile. The tight knot of pain that’s been between his eyebrows disappears. Maybe the booze is lifting the headache.
But it only lasts for a second, and then Aiden sits up with a jolt. His eyes flutter open, his smile disappearing. He casts his blue gaze over the crowd, then freezes.
Ralph turns his head to follow Aiden’s eye line across the grassy stretch of lawn. It’s dark out, but Ralph can just see the new group of people walking up the hill to join the party. Looks like Angie, and - Kasey Lavoe, in a pretty little silver dress and sleek matte black ankle boots, sparkly earrings glittering through her dark hair.
Ralph already blew his chances there, having tried some stupid pickup line on Kasey that he’d overheard from one of his mom’s ex-boyfriends. She shut him down so hard that he never tried again.
She’s got Jamie Keane with her, as always. His red hair curls down over one red eyebrow, still ridiculously bright in color even in the half-light.
Yet another arrival to make Ralph feel like shit about himself by comparison. Aiden looks like some goddamn mythic warrior, but Jamie is slender, lean, and light-footed. His unusual features are all graceful delicacy, as if painted with an unbelievably soft brush. Almost elven, in a way, but with those enormous amber eyes and the dusting of freckles and the flaming red hair.
Ralph has seen girls at school try to get Jamie interested in them, before he came out. Even Jamie could have a woman in his life, if he wanted. Ralph hates him for it.
He doesn’t get why Aiden is staring, though. It’s not like Keane looks any different from how he does at school, except that he’s got his crimson flannel bunched up in his hand instead of on, and the arm-holes of his Flogging Molly t-shirt are cut low enough to reveal some of his sides.
Jamie is laughing as he talks to Kasey, but he glances up, sensing eyes on him. He spots Aiden and Ralph by the car, and pauses where he is.
Aiden drops his gaze to the grass, then hastily snags the cigarette from Ralph.
Kasey sees Jamie looking and quickly gives his shirt a tug, pleadingly saying something to him. He bites his lip, then says something to her that makes her drop her head in dismay. He gently disentangles himself from her grasp, then sets off right for Ralph and Aiden.
“Jesus,” Aiden says suddenly, very quietly. “Why the fuck is he coming over here? Doesn’t he know better by now?”
“Guess not,” Ralph answers, watching Keane as he slowly, nervously comes closer, skirting around some wildflowers so he doesn’t crush them with his high-tops.
Aiden is bouncing his knee, his eyes darting around like he’s searching for an emergency exit. “Wish - wish he’d just leave me the fuck alone.”
“Apparently he still hasn’t realized that. He must be even dumber than we thought he was.”
Ralph thought that would make Aiden laugh, given how much he inexplicably hates Jamie. But for some reason Aiden flashes Ralph a dark, incensed scowl. He opens his mouth to angrily say something, then looks up sharply as Keane’s timid voice reaches them.
“Hi, Aiden.” He stops a good distance away, nervously fidgeting with his red hair. “Hey, Ralph, how’s it going?”
“Well, hello, Keane,” Ralph says, smiling icily at him.
Jamie doesn’t fail to read the malice in his voice, and he hurriedly gets his eyes back on Aiden.
“Hey, Aiden,” he begins haltingly, searching Aiden’s face with his amber eyes. “I - I thought I saw you hanging around while the nature club was meeting outside of the gym, the other day? It kind of seemed like you were listening, at least when I looked up during my part of the talk, so I just - thought I’d ask if you were thinking about joining? We’re always looking for new people.”
Ralph’s eyebrows shoot up. He lets out a scoffing laugh, fixing Keane with a giant, mocking grin.
“How sweet,” he says scathingly. “I’m sure that’s exactly what Aiden was doing there. Listening to your talk.”
Jamie flashes Ralph an anxious glance, then looks back at Aiden, who’s staring straight over his head like he hasn’t noticed him standing there.
“Aiden?” Jamie tries, after this goes on for a minute. “Did you, um - did you hear me?”
Aiden smokes away at his cigarette as if no one is talking to him. Jamie waits another moment, then slowly draws his slender shoulders in, his eyes filling up with hurt.
“You know, it’s fine if you don’t want to talk to me, Callahan, but you don’t have to act like I’m literally nothing!”
“Even if that’s exactly what you are?” Aiden finally snaps, making Jamie take a startled step backwards. “Holy shit, Keane, you honestly think that’s what I was there doing? You really are dumber than we all thought, and I should have known that from reading your shitty poetry! Why can’t you just fucking-?”
Aiden stops mid-sentence, having dropped his gaze to Jamie’s face and realized that tears are welling up in his big doe eyes, threatening to roll down his freckled cheeks.
Aiden stares at him in speechless silence, thunderstruck.
“Alright,” Jamie says breathlessly, carefully keeping his gaze on the ground, backing away. “Alright. F-forget it.”
And he’s gone, slipped off to hurry after Kasey, his body quaking with oncoming tears.
Aiden watches him go with perfectly round eyes, then slowly turns to face forward again. He sits there in rigid silence, staring off into the distance at nothing. Visibly shaken, for some reason.
Because Keane cried? Whatever, he’ll be fine. Guy’s so soft, he probably cries about anything. Ralph arches an eyebrow and opens his mouth to say this to Aiden, but -
“Aiden!” Melanie is standing a few feet back from the car, but from the expression on her face, she heard at least some of that. She glances at Jamie’s receding figure, aghast, then looks back at Aiden, gritting her teeth. Her eyes are flashing, her cheeks flushed with anger. “Oh my god, that was - you - you - I. Need. To. Speak. With. You. Alone.”
Aiden lowers his head and shifts his snapback over his hair, not looking at her.
“Later, Mellie,” he growls. “I’m not in the mood right now.”
Melanie draws her head back sharply, her mouth dropping open in outrage.
“Oh, okay!” She lets out a humorless laugh, then spins on her heel. “You know what? I’m going home.”
She stomps back towards the party, flinging her thick, glossy hair over her shoulder.
Aiden is still pale and expressionless, the way he got when Keane ran off. He sits perfectly still, then abruptly snatches the whiskey bottle from Ralph. He takes a huge swig, buries his face in his arms, and falls silent.
“Hey.” Ralph prods him in the ribs with his elbow. “What’s the matter?”
No answer from Aiden for a long, long time, and then -
“Can I - can I talk to you about something, man?” he asks, his deep voice unusually quiet and slow-spoken, even by Aiden standards.
Ralph shifts uneasily on his combat boots, watching him. “What?”
A second lengthy silence follows before Aiden answers again, speaking even more slowly than he was before. “Like, just - just between us…?”
“C’mon, A, obviously. What is it?”
Another silence, this one longer than all the others put together. Aiden doesn’t lift his head from his arms.
“Nothing,” he finally says. His voice sounds weird, maybe muffled by his sleeve, or thick from alcohol. “Nevermind. Forget it. Just… Mellie’s mad at me like, all the time. Sucks.”
Ralph narrows his eyes. Feels like that’s not what Aiden wanted to talk about, since everybody already knows that, but whatever.
“So what?” Ralph snags the cigarette from him, shrugging his shoulders. “She’ll get over it. Besides, from what I’ve seen, that's how it always goes eventually. Can’t be avoided, ‘cause women are fuckin’ crazy.”
“Come on, dude,” Aiden sighs wearily, without lifting his head. “Old school bullshit...”
“Nah, it’s true. S’good you told her no.” Ralph scowls at the ground, memories of his parents flashing through his mind. “You don’t want to let girls think they can flex their will on you. I’ve seen how that ends up. You give them control, you let them have any real power over you, they turn into-”
“Um…” says a voice from behind him. “Ralph.”
He turns around to find himself face-to-face with Dahlia and Mia.
Ralph had his doubts that some pretty girl saw his picture and decided she wanted to come meet him, but Mia is beautiful, just like Melanie promised. Lean muscles, dark lip gloss, rippy jeans fitted tight to the enticing curves of her body. Her hair is dyed, pink and purple and peach locks swinging softly around her neck. She has three piercings in each ear, the maximum you’re allowed to get away with at school.
Ralph has always had a weakness for punky girls, especially pierced-up ones.
She’s tall for a girl, but she still has to tilt her chin up to look at Ralph. He’s accidentally found himself gazing right down into her upturned face, into her sweet, muddy brown eyes.
She and Dahlia are both looking up at Ralph like they heard everything he just said.
His stomach drops like some Tower of Terror experience, his whole body frozen, his jaw clenching up.
No, he whispers inwardly, horrified. Holy shit, fuck, fuck fuck fuck -
“Um… he was just joking,” Dahlia reassures Mia, then catches Ralph’s eye meaningfully. “Right, Ralph? That was all an unfunny joke?”
He’s frozen in pure panic, and he’s painfully aware of Mia looking closely at him, probably taking in what a wreck he looks like. The only thought that comes to him is that it wouldn’t be good to admit he made an unfunny joke, much less to explain he wasn’t joking at all, so -
“I thought it was funny,” he hears himself answer, with an unintended, automatic sneer in his voice.
Mia and Dahlia both draw back in disgust, so he knows right away that was the wrong thing to say.
“Wow, Ralph,” Mia says, and fucking goddamnit, her voice is pretty, too - “Really seems like you don’t care about my opinion of you that much. Just going off of this.”
Ralph has to do no work whatsoever to figure out his chances after fucking up that badly. He knows exactly where this is going, and while it absolutely sucks, it sounds marginally less humiliating if he at least gets to be the one issuing the rejection.
“Yeah,” he answers flatly, taking a drag on his cigarette. “Because I don’t.”
Mia wrinkles her cute little pixie nose at him. “Yikes.”
Dahlia exhales a heavy sigh, catches Mia’s arm, and leads her back towards the party.
“God, Mia, I’m so sorry,” she groans, before their voices are lost in the noise. “Why I ever thought that was a good idea…”
Ralph stands there silently smoking. Barely managing to hold it together on the surface. Writhing inside with shame and humiliation, the smoldering ruins of his dreams for tonight slowly dying all the way out.
He’s spent his whole life learning that it’s never a good idea to hope for anything too much, to want anything too badly. But the lesson never seems to sink in, no matter how many different times or how many different ways the world has taught it to him. He doesn’t know why he can’t just swallow that truth, but he can’t.
He sinks deeply into his daydreams when he’s alone. He actually thinks he wants things with way more burning, all-consuming intensity than most people do. Otherwise he wouldn’t feel like this when all the hopes come crashing down.
He drops his head to hide his expression, crestfallen, hating himself more than he’s ever hated anyone.
Then he looks up again, sensing eyes on him.
Mia has stopped about halfway to the party, and she’s looking back at Ralph. Her gaze roves searchingly across his face, lingering for a moment on the dark bruises of exhaustion around his eyes.
She quietly says something to Dahlia that makes Dahlia pout unhappily. Ralph tries to read her lips.
He blinks hard in surprise as Mia turns and circles back over to him. Dahlia is watching with skeptical eyes, hovering nearby like she might have to rescue her.
“Hey,” Mia says gently, stopping before Ralph. She tucks a strand of purple hair behind her ear, the moonlight sparkling on her glittery nail polish. “Before we decide this was a giant mistake, um - did we just get off on the wrong foot? I’m realizing you look like you’ve been going through it, or something. I’m a good listener. Be down to start over, just this one time.”
The mortifying humiliation in Ralph threatens to reach overwhelming levels, and he flounders for any words he can find to save himself.
“Thanks, doll, but I don’t need your pity,” is what comes out, in an ice-cold voice that doesn’t sound like him at all.
Mia blinks, once, then lets out a soft scoffing sound. She gives him an incredulous look and turns to stride back to Dahlia, right as Mel comes flouncing out of the house with her jacket.
“Can we go?” Mel calls, striding over to join Dahlia and Mia. “I’m way over this.”
“Please, let’s,” Dahlia answers, already getting her keys out of her pocket.
Mia puts her hands up like - fuck this shit. “I’m definitely all done here.”
Ralph wilts back against the car. Drowning in bottomless self-loathing, trying his hardest to look like he couldn’t care less.
Dahlia shoots a look full of revulsion at Ralph and Aiden, then links arms with Mel and Mia. The three of them set off for the cars parked further down the hill, different headlights all gilding them.
Aiden suddenly lifts his head.
“Mellie,” he calls, his deep, bass voice easily cutting through the noise. He winces guiltily when she stops and looks at him. “I’m - I’m sorry.”
Melanie’s expression softens, and Dahlia seizes her arm.
“Oh my god, Mel,” she groans, dragging her away. “Honestly, babe, I know what he looks like, I get it, but how many times…?”
Again, their voices are swallowed up in the music and chatter spilling out of the house.
“Hey - where are the girls going?” Noah calls, bounding across the lawn back to the car. His pupils are enormous, his jaw working up and down. “HEY, MEL! Where you going?”
“Back to Dahlia’s place to make waffles, or really anywhere besides here,” Mel calls back. And then, in a very pointed tone, as if to say he’s the only one of the group who deserves acknowledgment at the moment - “Later, Noah!”
Noah stops next to Aiden and pushes his hair out of his eyes, watching the girls disappear into their car. “Who’s - isn’t that Mia? What happened, dude?”
He puts this last question to Ralph, who’s slowly starting to pant as he tries to keep himself under control, frantically and unsuccessfully fumbling for his usual bored, unaffected expression.
“They’re fucking leaving, obviously!” he snaps, spinning to face Noah.
Noah flinches, startled, then starts picking at the studs on his wristband. “Why?”
“Because - probably because you annoyed the shit out of Melanie before we even got there! So now she’s pissed at Aiden, too, for no reason!”
“Shit, really?” Noah looks mortified. “Aw, no, man, I thought - was she really that annoyed? She was kinda laughing, though, I sorta thought she was only pretending… Sorry, Aiden…”
Aiden has been sitting motionless with his head on his arms, but now he looks up sharply, glaring at Ralph. “That’s not even - can you fucking not, man?”
Ralph’s face colors up as Noah glances between him and Aiden, bewildered and anxious.
“What the f-? I’m taking your side, A! Melanie’s the one who got all bratty with you just because we had a little fun with Keane! Is it our fault the guy is such a crybaby? If anything we did him some good, maybe now he’ll learn to harden the fuck up!”
Aiden stares daggers at Ralph, then says, in a flat, dead, icy voice: “Drop it.”
Ralph stares back at him, rushed with a tidal wave of blinding anger, and beneath that, the horrible, icy panic.
Here we are, fighting. Again.
Ralph knows without looking that all of the color has drained from his face. Any that was left disappears when he realizes that Noah instinctively took a step away from him, and closer to Aiden.
Grant rejoins the group with two solo cups and two glasses it looks like he took from the kitchen cupboard.
“Mixers,” he announces, handing them around the group. “Happy now?”
Ralph narrows his eyes at Grant as he hands one of the glasses to Aiden. “Didn’t you say you were keeping an eye on Noah? Because, you know, he’s here. He came here without you.”
“I don’t need a babysitter,” Noah protests indignantly. “Shit, I can handle myself!”
Grant shrugs his shoulders, not really listening. “C’mon, let’s go inside. We can’t just hang out at the car the whole time.”
He leads them across the lawn to the big, glitzy house. Aiden being built like a mountain, everyone spots him from far off. There’s an immediate murmur from the portion of the party that’s hanging out on the porch and the front lawn.
Kids break off from their groups to hurry over to their group. Some go for Ralph, who foresees what they want and gets out his cigarette case. He’s fast enough at swapping blunts for cash by now that most of the people buying don’t even bother saying anything to him before they turn to join the others trying to talk to Aiden.
Ralph briefly crouches down on the porch step and stuffs the cash safely away in his boot, mentally subtracting the total from what he still needs to earn for this month’s rent for the house. Then he straightens up and hurries to rejoin Aiden, before he can get cut off from him in the crowd.
Aiden once again went all high school sports prodigy last week, almost single-handedly leading the soccer team to a crushing victory over a team that Ketterbridge High has never beaten before. His stock at school is at an all-time high, which is saying something, but he’s barely paying attention as other kids come flocking up to talk to him. Not that he ever does, but even by his usual standards… Actually, he looks like he’s barely aware of what’s going on around him at all.
He’s looked way off ever since the thing with Keane, and he still does. He’s busy downing the drink in his hand, and he’s shaken off everyone following them by the time they make it inside. He leads the way to the shining bartop set against one of the living room walls, clearly looking for a refill. Apparently he feels like he’s gotta be trashed to get through this night.
It’s probably my fault, Ralph thinks, his heart sinking. Somehow. What did I say? Which thing was it? Or is he embarrassed of me, because I fucked that whole thing up with Mia? I didn’t even think he was listening to that…
Holy fuck, Ralph wishes he could kick his own ass. Why did he even say that to Mia, about how he didn’t want anything out of pity? Turning down potential sympathy sex, when he’s this fucking desperate? Acting like he’s above that, when he absolutely would’ve taken her up on the offer in a heartbeat even if she’d outright said that’s what it was. Shit, he’d sprain his wrist and get the cast like Noah did, if he thought it would work for him. That’s how badly he’s itching for something, anything…
But it’s too fucking late, now. Ralph ruined his chances, and in record time.
He looks over at Noah, who glances at him warily, his grey eyes confused and unhappy. He seems baffled by the conversation they had outside, and he’s leaving some distance between himself and Ralph. Sticking much closer to Aiden, like he’s been doing all the time lately.
An excruciating rush of guilt and regret forces its way up into Ralph’s chest, begging him to tell Noah he’s sorry. He shuts that shit down instantly. Can’t let even a little through, or the floodgates open. Even the few seconds Ralph allowed it to go on for knocked the breath out of his lungs. Hurts too bad.
He turns his thoughts over to Aiden instead. He’s mad, yes, but he knows Ralph better than anyone. He knows Ralph didn’t mean whatever he said that pissed him off.
Lost in his thoughts, Ralph walks directly into a wall of steel muscle. Crashed right into Aiden’s back, because Aiden suddenly stopped where he is, staring across the crowd.
Ralph follows Aiden’s gaze, then lets out a scoffing laugh.
Jamie is leaning back against the wall on the far side of the crowded living room, gazing up at the boy leaning over him. Ian Kiyabu, a tall guy from Ralph’s grade with bone structure sharp enough to slice someone and a fresh haircut that sends a few inky black strands spilling over onto his temple. He’s listening while Keane talks, a tipsy smile crooking up his mouth, but really he’s looking Jamie over.
Jamie seems vaguely interested, or - maybe not, actually. He seems sort of distracted, only half paying attention to the conversation. There’s some lingering unhappiness in his eyes, behind his smile. Still, he’s not crying anymore, is he?
“See? It was no big deal,” Ralph tells Aiden, giving his shoulder a reassuring slap. “He’s clearly over it.”
Aiden breaks his gaze away from Jamie and Ian, not looking at Ralph, holding his glass tightly.
“Whatever,” he answers, in a flat, hollow voice that sounds empty of anything resembling a will to live. “Not like I gave a fuck either way.”
“What’s going on?” Noah tries faintly.
He sounds unsure of his footing after everything that happened outside, but Ralph ignores him. He’s more focused on Aiden, trying to push through the whiskey haze and understand.
Nothing makes any sense. If Aiden honestly doesn’t give a fuck about the whole thing that happened with Keane, then what the hell is happening with him?
Ralph could swear that Aiden has been going through something that he won’t tell Ralph about, which is - fine. They don’t talk like that, and that’s as it should be, they’re men.
But still, Aiden seriously won’t just tell Ralph whatever it is? If he’s this torn up about it? Ralph is his brother, the first brother he ever had, and apparently Aiden doesn’t trust him enough to talk to him. Even when he’s drunk.
As if you’ve told him everything, an unwelcome internal voice points out. You still haven’t even told him that your mom officially split on you, have you? And how long ago was that?
“What’s going on?” Noah tries again. “I can’t see from here, Aiden’s in my way.”
Jamie is smiling politely at Ian, but he’s also kind of looking around, presumably searching the crowd for Kasey.
Even Keane can apparently afford to be picky-choosy with his options. He’s a real good-looking guy, sure, but like - Keane? Fucking Keane is doing better than Ralph. He doesn’t even look particularly interested in Ian, and Ian looks like he stepped out of some reality show where everyone was competing for the chance to date him.
Ralph watches the two of them with mounting bitterness.
“What’s happening,” he tells Noah, “Is that Ian Kiyabu is gonna be real goddamn embarrassed tomorrow when he sobers up and realizes how fuckin’ gay he was acting toni-”
Ralph stops, cut off by a soft shattering sound.
Noah and Ralph stare in shocked, wide-eyed silence at Aiden as he slowly opens his fist. The destroyed glass is crushed into splintered shards in his fingers, wet with whiskey and a tiny bit of his blood.
Aiden looks down at his hand, like he only just realized what he did. He stares at the glittering shards for a second, then slowly raises his gaze to Ralph and Noah, his cheeks burning crimson.
“Will - will you guys just shut the fuck up?” he snaps breathlessly, his deep voice caught in his throat. “For two seconds?”
He seizes Ralph’s solo cup, spills the pieces of his glass into it, and flings it into the nearest trash can. He dries his hand on his jeans, wrenches off his snapback, and pushes his fingers through his glossy hair, his jaw muscles tensed all the way up.
Ralph stares at Aiden, the cold panic suffocating him again.
You’re losing him, he thinks, as he looks up into Aiden’s furious blue eyes. You’re fucking this up, just like everything else.
Ralph’s heart is sinking and sinking and sinking. He knows he caused this, but it’s not like he meant to. Aiden is his favorite person in the whole goddamn world, alongside Noah… what did Ralph even say or do that could have pissed Aiden off?
He retraces his steps desperately, struggling to see where he unknowingly said something Aiden could’ve taken as a slight. He’s looking at Ralph like Ralph just backhanded him out of nowhere, but why?
Ralph’s desperate search for answers turns up nothing, and the aching, blinding panic hardens into something easier, more familiar.
No, not this, he whimpers inwardly, even as he feels it sweep him like a pitch-black hurricane, uncontrollably rushing up to swamp him. Come on, come on, just calm down - stay calm -
He explodes before he can stop himself, the rage sweeping over him with the force of a tidal wave.
“What is your problem?” he snarls, narrowing his eyes into a blistering glare to match Aiden’s. “You ran off on us earlier this week without saying a word, and ever since you’ve been fucking impossible!”
Aiden flinches, but blazing fury immediately overtakes the guilty look in his eyes. “I’ve been impossible?”
“Yeah, Aiden, think even your aunt would agree with me on that!”
The second the words leave his mouth, Ralph regrets it. He feels like the lousiest shitbag in the world when he sees the expression on Aiden’s face.
Shame sends a violent blush to Ralph’s cheeks, and he closes his eyes for one anguished moment. God, you are rotten to the core. Hopeless.
Ralph desperately wishes he could take it back. But he can’t, so he tilts his chin up and forces himself to keep on glaring.
It’s okay, Aiden knows you don’t mean it…
“Guys,” Noah says meekly, tugging on Ralph’s sleeve.
Aiden looks like he doesn’t even know what to say, so he lowers his blazing gaze to Grant. “Jump in anytime, Grant.”
“I don’t give a shit about any of this.” Grant pushes his hand through his sweaty hair. “Is it really hot in here all of a sudden? Feels like someone just turned on a space heater.”
Noah sounds confused. “Guys, hey.”
Aiden glares at Grant like he wants to smack him, then turns back to Ralph. “I already caught you lying once tonight, Ralph, so if you really can’t figure out why I-”
“You guys.”
“What, Noah?” Ralph snaps.
He points at his reflection in a mirror hanging up behind the bartop. “Is that me?”
“Yes, you dumb high bastard, that’s you.”
“Oh… Am I bleeding?”
Aiden and Ralph freeze, then whip around in tandem to look at Noah. There’s a streak of blood coming from his nose, half-stopped by the fingers he has pressed beneath it. He’s looking at Ralph and Aiden like he’s vaguely confused, equally startled.
Ralph is instantly gripped in a subarctic panic that whites out his thoughts. He seizes hold of Noah’s wrist before he knows what he’s doing, nightmare visions of him collapsing to the floor and going silent flashing through his terrified mind.
Noah winces, trying to pull his wrist free. “Ow - Ralph - you’re crushin’ my bones, man…”
“What the fuck?” Aiden sputters, his blue eyes very wide. He seizes a napkin from the bartop and hands it to him. “Noosh, what happened?”
“Think I walked into a wall on the way in here. Might’ve knocked a mirror off of it? I’m fucked up, I dunno.”
Ralph stops still, then exhales a huge, heavy breath as he lets Noah’s wrist go.
“Jesus, dude, is that all? Don’t scare us like that.” He quickly knuckles Noah’s chin up, tilting his head back for him. “Are you sure that’s the only problem? Who sold you whatever you took tonight?”
“I… shit, I don’t remember his name.”
Ralph lets out an exasperated sound, steering Noah away from the crowd and back towards the door, Aiden following close behind and watching them with worried eyes. “Noosh, you - look, if you want that stuff, you come to me from now on, okay? Only me. I’ll set you up, just don’t go to anyone else. I’ll be real fuckin’ mad if you do.”
“Okay,” Noah murmurs, his voice muffled by the napkins.
Ralph instinctively turns to Aiden. “Is he alright?”
Aiden hesitates, looking like he’s thinking about it, then nods firmly. “Yeah. He’ll be fine.”
Ralph lets out another relieved breath, then turns back to Noah. “Go wait outside, Noosh. We’ll get Grant and get out of here.”
Noah disappears through the door, and Ralph turns around to find Aiden glaring down at him.
“Could you stop telling him what to do? I know he’s fucked up right now, but now you’re telling him who he can buy from? This is just like the France thing, you’re always-”
“Are you serious?” Ralph is nearly panting with anger. “I’m trying to get control of the situation! You saw what just happened! His fucking nose is bleeding, and we don’t even know for sure what he took! At least if he only gets it from me, it’ll be the good shit, not whatever he-”
“Typical,” someone laughs, from just to their right. “Raunier’s so stupid, you could get him to swallow a goldfish if you told him he’d get high.”
Aiden and Ralph stop still. Then, in tandem, they slowly turn to look at their collar-popping classmate John Haywood, who’s still snickering at his own joke.
Noah was leaning against the wall outside, smoking a cigarette, but he startles upright as John comes flying backwards through the open doorway, staggers back five steps, and crash-lands on his ass.
Noah flings the cigarette aside and rolls out his shoulders, ready to fight, but John only sits there with wide eyes and pants in shock as Ralph and Aiden slowly come out of the house after him, stopping at the edge of the porch. Their combined shadows fall over John and blot out the moonlight, especially after Noah joins them.
“Anything else you want to say about Noah?” Aiden hisses, in a soft, lacerating voice.
“Think carefully before you answer, Haywood,” Ralph snickers, grinning darkly at him from Aiden’s side.
John scrambles to his feet, flushing crimson as he realizes how many eyes witnessed his ungraceful journey onto the grass. He turns and rushes off through the crowd towards the parked cars without a word.
“Smooth move, Haywood!” someone calls, to a general wave of scattered laughter.
“Oh, man!” Noah laughs, looking over at Ralph and Aiden. “That was awesome! Did you throw him, Aiden?”
For the first time in a minute, Aiden cracks a real smile.
“Nope, that was Ralph.” He clasps Ralph’s shoulder, giving him an affectionate shake. “He’s got what I wanna call righteous rage-strength.”
Ralph laughs, and Noah grins widely at him, but his smile quickly falters.
“What’d Haywood say about me?” he asks, in a voice like he’s not sure if he wants to know.
“Nothing,” Ralph says hastily. “Don’t worry about it. It was too fucking dumb to repeat. Wasn’t true, anyways.”
Noah gives him the bright, trusting smile Ralph hasn’t been seeing so often these days. The wary steeliness in his eyes melts away, turning them a very soft, light grey. He laughs and throws an arm around Ralph, even though Aiden hasn’t let him go yet.
Sandwiched between the two of them, Ralph closes his eyes for a second, his heart full to bursting with brotherly love.
“Okay, so, I saw that,” says the host of the party, who’s apparently been standing behind them the whole time. “Time for you guys to leave, please. I’m really not in the mood to get the cops called to my party, so I can’t have you guys throwing people across the lawn. And is Noah the one who broke that mirror?”
“We were just going.” Aiden heads down the porch stairs, pulling Ralph and Noah with him. “Later, Kaitlyn. Thanks for the invite.”
She blinks in surprise, reaching for him. “Wait, Aiden - you don’t have to go! You should totally come back in! If these guys go, we could, um - Melanie left, right? Does that mean you two are pretty much-?”
Ralph’s heart stutters anxiously, but Aiden doesn’t even slow down to hear the end of Kaitlyn’s sentence, or to wait for Grant as he rushes out of the house to rejoin the group.
“Whoa, that was sick!” Grant says approvingly, grinning as he catches up with them. “Shit, and everybody saw it, too! People are gonna be talking about us at school!”
“They always are, anyways,” Aiden growls bitterly, misreading Grant’s tone. “Let ‘em.”
“Yeah, definitely,” Grant says brightly, as the four of them fall into their usual formation. “Oh, uh - you alright, Noah? Or whatever?”
“I feel good!” Noah beams at him, pressing the bloody napkins to his nose. “I’m like… connected to so much… I think I can sense the - the - the - do you guys know what I mean?”
“Here we go,” Aiden groan-laughs, flashing Ralph a tipsy grin.
Ralph doesn’t say anything as he takes up his usual position next to Aiden. He’s overcome with relief, grateful beyond measure. The ground is beneath his feet again, now with his brothers all laughing and back at his side.
No, whispers a warning voice in his heart. It won’t last.
The relieved smile spreading across Ralph’s face stops in its tracks.
This isn’t fun for them anymore, that internal voice whispers. It’s all crumbling apart in your hands, and you don’t know what to do, so you’re just trying to ignore it and hope the problem solves itself. But it won’t. You can see which way the wind is blowing. You’re going to lose them. One by one. And when that happens, everything falls apart. You’ll be all alone again. You’ll never be able to get them back.
Ralph shudders internally, remembering how it felt before he met Aiden. The years spent going through every day knowing that there was nobody, literally nobody to go to if he needed someone.
You’ll be all alone again…
With an enormous force of effort, Ralph shuts that voice down. Trying not to think about how it came from the part of him that can read the signs, see pretty far ahead with pretty decent accuracy. How it tends to get at least half of it right, but usually more. He tries his hardest not to let himself start thinking about which of those guesses are correct, and which are miscalculations.
You think they’ll stick around after graduation for this? whispers that internal voice.
Ralph closes his eyes, struggling to rein in his thoughts. Stop it. Can’t start thinking like that.
There’s one guy too many in the group. You can sense it. Something’s been telling you so for a while now.
No, Ralph tells himself forcefully. That’s not true. Everything is fine.
Are you sure? that voice whispers back. Because if there’s one person too many, it’s obviously you. You’ll be alone again… you’ll never be able to get them back… all alone…
Ralph internally smashes the warning voice across the face with a shovel, then buries it as deep down as he can, until it falls silent.
It can’t be right about any of it, not this time. Ralph would move heaven and earth to make sure that prediction never comes true.
I won’t let that happen, Ralph insists fiercely, making a silent promise within himself. No matter what, I won’t let that happen.
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