Special Episode: Alike
This episode is part of a larger story, Soft Touch. If you haven’t yet, you can go back and read it from the beginning right here.
Noah honestly can’t believe it.
He stares at his dad across the table they took outside of Mugshot, struggling to wrap his head around this. He’s fighting to hold himself together, but he’s a wreck right now. In an agony of silent gratitude, weak with relief. He would break down crying if someone gave him the slightest push.
“Dad,” he stammers in French, trying his hardest not to let his voice waver. “I’m so glad you’re here, you have no idea…”
He sits down with the two black coffees he ordered, then slides one to Noah.
“Really?” He settles back in his chair and folds his arms over his chest, cocking an eyebrow. “It’s been a long time since I heard from you, Noah. No visits to come see me. No texts, no calls. No answers to mine, either.”
Noah flinches with his whole face, hanging his head.
“I’m – I’m so sorry, Dad, I… it was a real bad couple of years for me. I was such a mess, and things were such a mess… I – put myself in a bad situation, and everything got all fucked up.”
Dad gazes silently at him. After a moment he slowly folds his elbows on the table, adjusts his scarf, and gruffly clears his throat.
“Listen…” he begins haltingly, “If I ever did anything to make you think you couldn’t come to me if you got yourself into trouble… if I ever – came down on you too hard for something you did, I just hope you know that I-”
“What-? No – god, Dad, no.” Noah shakes his head earnestly, his already aching heart swelling with love until it interferes with his breathing. “Never, you never did, it wasn’t that! I can’t even think of a time when you ever really yelled at me. Except when I drive fast. And maybe the time I fell off that tall fence.”
Dad lets out a heavy breath, closing his eyes at the memory. “God, you scared me so badly with that fence!”
“The wind blew me off of it!” Noah protests, then realizes they’re getting away from the point. “It wasn’t anything you did, I swear. It was all me, I…”
He trails off, struggling to swallow down the lump in his throat.
It’s so strange to see Dad here, in the warm light pouring out from Mugshot, with a Ketterbridge night sky spread behind his back. Unfamiliar, but everything else is so familiar that it hurts. Dad’s deep voice, the faint scent of his hiba wood cologne, his warm grey eyes. Calm and steady, but you can see from them that he’s listening intently to everything being said. Resting on Noah’s face with patient, searching concern.
Noah just hasn’t seen this sight in so long. So maybe it’s a situation where a few tears are justifiable, if they do get away from him. Besides, Dad thinking it was his own fault just can’t be allowed to go on. Noah can’t have that.
“I just – I didn’t want to call you and tell you how bad everything was going,” he manages, stammering through his words. He drops his eyes to his coffee, which is much easier to face. “If you’d have known anything going on with me you wouldn’t have been happy. It seemed better for me to put off talking to you instead of – having you be disappointed in me.”
He stops, but Dad just waits, looking closely at him.
“And I wanted to fix things on my own,” Noah goes on miserably, pushing his hair out of his face. “I didn’t want you to think I couldn’t solve my own problems, or handle things, or – I don’t know. I wanted to be – as big a man as you are. And I just… so, definitely wasn’t. I didn’t want you to know.”
Dad sits there quietly for another moment, gazing across the table at him. Noah doesn’t dare look up to see the expression on his face.
“Maybe,” Dad murmurs slowly, running a hand over his beard, “You’re wondering why I didn’t come here a long time ago, and force you to see me or talk to me.”
Noah wasn’t wondering that, actually. He blinks in surprise, then does it again when Dad slowly goes on -
“You know, when I was around the same age you were when all this started… I went through a very bad few years, myself. I got way too wild, went completely off the walls. I fell out of touch with your grandpa, too. Eventually things fell apart until I had no choice but to pick myself up and go back to see him, to talk to him.” Dad gives him a small smile. “And then he told me about his bad years.”
Noah stares at him, frozen.
“I thought that given time you would come back to me,” Dad goes on. “Just like I went back to your grandpa. But you did things your own way. As most Rauniers do.”
He says this last part with a touch of warm affection.
“What – but…” Noah shakes his head, bewildered. “Why wait at all? Why not just come here and put a stop to it right away?”
“Because… my bad years were bad, but putting myself back together, once I came through them… I felt that I came out of it a better man. Tougher, more independent, a little smarter about the world. I knew much better what I wanted, who I was, what really mattered to me. Maybe it’s better to say I went into it a boy, and came out a man. Your grandpa felt the same way about himself.”
Dad looks closely at his face, then adds – “I can see it’s had the same effect on you.”
Noah lowers his gaze to the table, contemplating that, then looks up again as Dad goes on.
“But now I wish I had come to see you sooner. I should have.” He lets out a regretful sigh, lifting his coffee to his mouth. “Fatherhood is a constant learning process. Remember it, now that you’re a father.”
“I already knew that,” Noah manages. “I feel like I don’t know anything about anything. Maybe less.”
“You wait until your daughter falls off a fence,” Dad answers dryly. “Right before your eyes.”
“I was blown off!” Noah laughs weakly, hanging his head, trying not to start sniffling. “And I wouldn’t have climbed up there if Noey-”
He breaks off, startled by Dad reaching across the table to firmly take his wrist.
“I don’t want us to go this long without talking ever again, Noah. Nothing close to it.”
Overwhelmed with relief, Noah shakes his head in instant, earnest agreement. “No, never. I promise.”
Dad smiles, looking as relieved as Noah feels.
“I missed you so much,” he says softly.
A little tear gets away from Noah and gets quickly smashed into his sleeve as he rasps – “I missed you, too.”
Dad’s smile deepens, but he tilts his head to the side, a trace of reproach coming into his voice. “Then why didn’t you call me when things settled down, hm? I hear they have now.”
“I don’t know, I…” Noah cringes guiltily, then spills everything out in a breathless rush. “Noelle was done with me, I figured you and Mom were, too. I had done so much bad and stupid stuff, even if it was behind me… and it had been so long at that point since I had called you, I guess it – it had stopped feeling like an option. That’s a part of why I really wanted things to go good with Noelle on this trip. So that maybe she could tell you and Mom that I was better, and maybe we could go from there, or-”
Dad interrupts him with a gentle squeeze of his wrist.
“Noah,” he says quietly, “There’s nothing you could do that would – I – it’s never not an option, not with me. Okay?”
After a long moment, now fighting very hard not to cry, Noah manages to answer brokenly: “Okay.”
He’s too relieved for words, realizing he’s been so staggeringly stupid. There’s so much he was completely wrong about. He’s thinking of that night when he slept at Aiden’s little attic apartment after he broke away from Ralph, and faced the fact that there was no going back. Remembering how alone he felt, like there was no one left in the world who gave a fuck about him anymore. Friends, family, anyone. He even thought that he had never really known Ralph, of all people, that he was wrong about him right from the start… and he thought he couldn’t call his dad.
So stupid. He could kick himself.
At least now he can look back and see with clearer eyes. He turns what his dad said over in his mind. A little smarter about the world.
“I’m so sorry,” he murmurs, once he can speak again.
Dad smiles, but then pulls a scolding expression onto his face.
“From now on you call me,” he tells Noah firmly. “I have to hear from your sister that you’re married, with a baby?”
“I know.” Noah winces apologetically and twists his wedding band around his finger, all of a sudden trying to keep his hands from trembling. With great difficulty, his heartbeat thundering in his ears, he haltingly adds, “Did – did she tell you about – my husband…?”
Dad raises his eyebrows, breaks into a laughing grin, and begins: “Supple-”
“No, not Supple Juicy Marines!” Noah wails, suddenly laughing himself. “Come on, man – how do you even remember that?”
“I thought about it when your sister told me all your news. Because based on it I didn’t think to expect a boyfriend or husband for you.”
“Really?” Noah asks, red-faced in spite of himself. “I would’ve thought that incident would cause you to think the opposite.”
Dad smiles, shaking his head. “No, although it made me wonder about someone else. You looked embarrassed over the mixup when I held up that magazine. Gage… looked terrified. The difference was very noticeable, with you two standing right next to each other.”
Noah takes a second to process that. Come to think of it, Dad left the Marines magazine without comment, even though he confiscated one of the others. Like it was no different from the rest, the ‘basics’ he told them to start with.
Your dad is so cool, Gage said, right after. Noah missed the grateful relief in his voice then, so he doesn’t know why he can hear it so clearly now.
“Well, that’s because it’s… not exactly what you’re thinking,” he finally answers. “Me and my husband. Or I mean it is, sort of, but, um… sorry, I’m trying to think of how to explain-”
Dad mercifully cuts him off with a wave of his hand. “Noelle already explained.”
Noah closes his eyes in relief. Jesus. Thank you, Noey. I owe you one.
Dad glances across the Mugshot parking lot, at the blue car parked at the end. “I’m guessing he’s not the very nice man with the very red hair who drove us here?”
“What?” Noah sputters, laughing at the thought. “No, that’s my buddy Jamie.”
Dad nods solemnly. “He didn’t look like what I pictured when I heard the name Rajiv, but I didn’t want to assume.”
Noah breathes out a laugh, then sniffles, pulling himself together. “Raj is at home with the baby.”
“That’s one thing I am mad about,” Dad answers, making Noah freeze anxiously. “All this time I’ve had a granddaughter I could’ve had on my knee? And I haven’t even met her yet.”
Noah lets out a watery laugh of relief. “No, but I want you to. You’ll come meet them, right? All of them? Mel, Raj, and Niki?”
“I’d like to,” he answers, making Noah flood with glowing internal warmth. He tilts his head to the side, looking searchingly into Noah’s eyes. “A husband and a wife, hm? At the same time.”
Noah shrugs, a little nervous again. “Yeah. Married my two best friends. And it’s been so good, like – better than I can describe.”
Dad absorbs that thoughtfully.
“I guess your mother and I set an unusual example for you, with our relationship,” he murmurs, lifting his coffee to his mouth. “I’m beginning to think we Rauniers just have broader lines we draw our families around. We do tend to go with our own judgment, over the traditional rules.”
He makes it sound so simple. Says it with his usual ease and assurance. Noah could drop his head into his hands, thinking of how impossibly goddamn complicated it all felt to him.
“How are you always so calm about everything?” he asks unsteadily. “I wish I could be like that. I need to be like that, for Niki.”
For some reason that makes Dad break into a grin, and then a laugh.
“Oh, you think I was always like this?” His grey eyes are dancing, like Noah made an excellent joke. “You think I wasn’t just as wild as you?”
Noah stares at him, bewildered. “No? A little, yeah, but not as much as me.”
Dad makes a sound like he just bit back an actual shout of laughter.
“Maybe one day I’ll tell you some stories, now that I know they won’t inspire you to go off and try the same things. Although, a lot of those nights I don’t fully remember. Didn’t you ever wonder why all my old friends call me Berserker? That nickname didn’t come from nowhere.”
“What…?” Noah shakes his head in disbelief. “So when did you get like this?”
“When my children started causing enough chaos that I didn’t feel the need to cause quite so much of my own,” he says firmly. “Your little one isn’t old enough yet, but you’ll see.”
Again, Noah can only stare at him as this sinks in. Every single thing he says is giving Noah so much relief, taking so much weight off of his shoulders. He wants to close his eyes and sink his head into his hands and just sit in it for a minute.
“Thank god you’re here,” he stammers again, tilting his head back, blinking very fast. “You showed up at exactly the right time.”
For some reason Dad sits back, suddenly blinking fast, too. His shoulders sink in relief, and he looks at Noah almost hopefully.
“Did I?”
“Yes! Noelle’s visit hasn’t been – I mean, I’m trying so hard, but it’s been…”
“Mm. Yes. I know what you’re talking about. You know that I prefer to let you kids tackle things on your own, and be independent, but…” Dad frowns deeply, folding his arms over his chest. “I don’t want Noelle marrying that Hollins boy.”
“No, obviously not! Dad, that’s what I mean, things have gotten so out of control!” Noah tightens his hands around his coffee cup, unable to help the frustration sneaking into his voice. “Why’s she want to be tame so badly, and crush herself into something smaller? We all want her how she is!”
Dad tilts his head to the side, his eyes full of way more patience than Noah can probably claim.
“Try to imagine it,” he murmurs softly. “Stuck in bed all the time, in and out of the hospital with those fevers, gaining and then losing weight with different medications, being told that maybe, if this treatment works out, she’ll start to see some relief from her symptoms in six to eight weeks – and then having to switch treatments to something completely new again because it wasn’t working, or there have been side effects, and then another trip back to the hospital. Basically exploding as soon as she had enough energy, then dropping asleep still standing up when she wore herself out… all while her friends were at sleepovers, in class, running around…”
He smiles sadly at Noah. “Can’t you see why she would’ve traded anything to be just like everybody else? Just – normal, and steady?”
Noah bites his lip. He tries not to think about that stuff – it brings back painful rushes of all the old worries and sympathetic misery – but… yeah, okay…
“Well, I still don’t think she should change herself. It actually seems much harder on her, to try to be that way.” Seeing by his eyes that Dad agrees, he forges on. “I don’t even think she’d have said yes to Logan, but the way it worked out was basically a perfect storm. Oh, and you know what Mom did? Called Noelle and told her she didn’t like it, right after it happened! As soon as Noelle told her the news!”
“Ooh. Oh.” Dad cringes deeply. “That is quite a setback.”
“You think?”
Dad breaks into a sudden smile, his eyes brightening up with affection. “You know, I love your mother with all my heart, she’s my dearest friend, but she really can’t help herself sometimes. Especially when she knows she’s right.”
“Well, it sure didn’t help with anything! Logan’s walking around smirking like he won the Grand Prix. And Gage is in love with Noelle-”
That piece of news doesn’t make Dad so much as blink in surprise, Noah notices.
“-but he took off after she accepted Logan’s proposal, and Logan proposed for some incredibly shitty ulterior motives that don’t even have anything to do with her! Gage told me everything. Now someone has to tell Noey the truth, so thank god you’re here, now you can-”
“Solve all your problems for you?” Dad raises an eyebrow when Noah stares at him, taken aback. “I don’t think so. I’m not always gonna be here to do that, you’ve got to learn to do it yourself.”
“But-”
“Why don’t you just tell her?” Dad breaks in gently. “Why haven’t you already? Isn’t that why Gage told you? So you would?”
“Yeah, but I don’t want to! She’s gonna get mad at me!”
“So?”
“So?” Noah repeats, dumbfounded. “Dad, she already dropped me once! She’s giving me one last chance. I’m pretty sure one more big fight and that’s it.”
Dad is frowning at him now, his furrowed brows dropped low. “Do you think Noelle stopped talking to you because she was angry at you?”
Noah spreads his hands in confusion, and Dad looks at him like he’s being exasperatingly ridiculous.
“You haven’t been around her often enough, lately,” he says, with a gentle scold in his voice. “You forgot how much she loves you. She stopped talking to you because she couldn’t watch you dig yourself deeper and deeper into that bad situation you were talking about.”
Noah sits back, blinking hard.
“She would never decide to permanently drop you just because she was angry at you,” Dad continues, with total conviction. “Also – do I have to remind you that you’ve made her mad thousands of times before? Frequently on purpose. You’re her little brother.”
“Well, it’s – different now.”
“Mhm, and it always will be if you keep walking on eggshells around her.” Dad meets Noah’s gaze, his own earnest eyes picking up the glow from within Mugshot. “Just talk to her. Like you would have before.”
Noah takes a second to contemplate that, then shakes his head.
“No, but Dad, she’s not gonna believe me. She’s got no reason to trust me right now, and I don’t have any proof, none at all. You should do it. This is too important for me to screw up.”
Dad smiles again.
“Oh, I have more faith in you than that. And you should have more faith in your sister. Just tell her the truth. She might get mad, she might not want to hear it, but she’ll make the right call.” He drops his gaze to the plastic box Noah took from the attic, which he’s set aside on the table. “Looks like you have a plan already.”
“Sort of,” Noah murmurs, with a doubtful glance at the box. “Not really. I was just hoping it would put her in a good mood before I talked to her.”
“Well, you’ll find out soon.” Dad gets to his feet, shouldering his backpack. “She’s here.”
Noah blinks at him, then twists sharply to look at the parking lot. There’s Noelle, hopping down out of the rental car, wrapping her red scarf around her neck.
Noah didn’t call her, and only one other person would have.
“Aw, Dad!” Noah complains, drawing back anxiously. “You didn’t give me any time to prepare!”
“No, I didn’t. You’re welcome.” He reaches down to gently cuff Noah’s cheek. “Text me tomorrow. We’ll sort out a time when I can come by to meet the rest of your family.”
“Okay,” Noah says, so eager at the prospect that he almost forgets the situation. “You have to see my car, too. She needs a lot of work, but there’s a beauty under there.”
Dad sighs deeply, running a hand over his beard. “I just know you’re going to drive too fast in it.”
“It actually doesn’t run right now.”
“What a relief!” Dad says archly, his grey eyes bright with laughter.
Noah grins at him, sitting up hopefully. “Soon, though? You’re not leaving Ketterbridge right away, are you?”
“No, I’ll be here.” Dad pauses, then asks, all casual: “Is your mother at home, by the way?”
“I don’t know. Probably.”
“Single?”
“Noelle hasn’t said anything to the contrary.”
Dad knocks his knuckles on the table, gives Noah a wink. “See you.”
“Ugh!” Noah widens his eyes indignantly, tossing his hands up in despair. “You don’t have to tell me everything!”
“Oh, I wouldn’t dream of telling you everything.” Dad straightens out his scarf, a decided brightness coming into his eyes as he turns away. “But I won’t pretend I’m not looking forward to seeing her.”
Noah spreads his hands incredulously, then cups them around his mouth. “If you love her so much, why don’t you marry her?”
“Maybe I will, one day!” Dad calls back, already headed out into the parking lot. “I’ve heard it’s good to marry your best friend!”
Noah sits back, staring after him with an unmanageable amount of love in his heart.
Dad meets Noelle about halfway across the lot. She was walking over from her car. Looking pale and tired, but she brightens up when her eyes fall on him. She rushes over to give him an adoring hug, looking almost as relieved to see him as Noah was.
She draws back to talk to him, shaking her head in happy confusion. Dad answers her, pointing to Noah. Then he gently squeezes her shoulder, and heads out.
Noelle comes over to the table, takes the seat he left open.
“Dad!” she says, taken aback. “Here!”
“I know.”
“Nice to see you two talking.” Noelle shrugs off her backpack, giving Noah a pleased smile. “Is he not staying for coffee? Where’s he going?”
“To visit the friend he’s got Ketterbridge.”
Noelle lets out a sputter of laughter, picking up the black coffee he left behind. “She’ll be happy to see him. She changed into a dress and started brushing her hair the minute I told her he was here.”
Noah bites his lip, suddenly full of affection. “Figures.”
“You know she casually said she might come along with me to France to visit him for a day or two, the last time I went back? And what actually happened is the two of them disappeared for a like full week. Mom showed back up five days after her flight left, all smiles, and wouldn’t say where they’d been. Meanwhile there I was, freaking out, trying to sort out what the hell had happened to them!”
Noah breaks into a little grin. Dad hasn’t really stopped causing chaos, then. Even if his kids are doing it for him now. Not that Noah’s surprised to hear it.
His smile doesn’t last long, though.
Noelle looks worse for the wear. She’s dressed up all perfectly the way she likes, and her hair is brushed into a neat bun. Technically she should look fine. But she’s so pale, and her eyes are clouded, distant, tinted dark. The way they’ve been ever since she got engaged, and Gage left town.
Noticing him looking at her in concern, she sighs and waves a hand at him, tucking some wisps of hair back into her bun.
“Don’t mind me, I’m just – just still kind of down about the encyclopedia. They just sounded so enthusiastic about my work. I thought I had it.”
It’s not really about that, although it sure isn’t helping. Noah has no doubts about what the main problem is.
He swallows silently, his heartbeat going about as hard as it would be if he ran here from the house. He glances after Dad, who’s paused at the edge of the parking lot to look at them over his shoulder.
He gives Noah a single, encouraging nod, then turns the corner and slips off into the shadows.
Noah closes his eyes for a second, trying to find a calm place. That afternoon in the backyard, when he was stretched out on the grass beside Mel in the warm sunshine, and she gently drew his head onto her lap. The morning he spent just watching Raj quietly sand something down in the workshop, breathing in the scent of fresh wood.
He turns back to Noelle, then slowly puts a hand on the box he brought from the attic. She switched the conversation into English when she arrived, but he shifts it back into French to say:
“Yeah, I… I’m sorry about that. I was trying to find this for you, in case it brought back any old inspiration.” He nudges the box in her direction. “Sorry I didn’t get it to you in time. I was gonna sneakily search Mom’s house when she wasn’t home, but then I remembered this morning that you gave it to me for safekeeping forever ago. So that Mom wouldn’t accidentally toss it in one of her fits of, uh – organizing.”
Noelle laughs a little, since they both know that when Mom is ‘organizing’ she’s actually just throwing things away en masse or dropping them all off at the thrift store. Then she tilts her head to the side, raising an eyebrow as she draws the box towards herself.
“Wow. A present, for me? Thank you, Santa.”
“Yeah, fuckin’, ho ho ho,” Noah growls, shoving the box the rest of the way to her. “Open it, already.”
Noelle giggles, then looks curiously at the box. Leaning over it to shelter it from the night breeze, she opens it up and stares in surprise at the drawing of the restaurant with the big windows.
“Oh, my god…” She glances up at Noah, her eyes widening. “The ones from that summer!”
“Yeah, I thought so.” He points to the drawing on top. “That’s Le Train Bleu, isn’t it?”
“Yes. Yes!” Noelle stares down at the drawing in disbelief, then lifts her eyes to Noah and bites her lip, wincing guiltily. “We shouldn’t have tried to sneak into the kitchen. You’d think someone set us on a mission to get Gage in trouble.”
“Pretty legendary location to be escorted out of for misbehavior, though,” Noah protests. “Besides, I wanted to see if the kitchen was as fancy as everywhere else. Gage agreed it was an important question to get answered.”
Noelle shakes her head, laughing with her eyes, then drops them back to her drawings. She begins to slowly go through them, turning through the loose pages first. There’s a drawing of a heap of candies in pink wrappers, piled up on a towel on the sand. One of a bookshop tucked away on a little ivy-laden backstreet. The flower market, with all the open umbrellas. Noah blinks in surprise at the sketch of himself, hurrying to finish some ice cream melting onto his hands while Dad stands behind him laughing.
Noelle smiles warmly at that one.
“This – this is cheering me up,” she laughs shakily, taking a deep breath. “Things have all felt so crazy lately… ever since Gage…”
She trails off, staring at the drawing she just turned to. Suddenly frozen, motionless enough to pass for a statue. Even with the golden light from Mugshot moving around in her very wide eyes.
Noah leans over to see what she’s looking at. The drawing is half in the warm light from Mugshot, half in the shadows, but to his surprise he recognizes it right away.
“Oh, yeah… the drawing you did of Gage! I remember this one.”
“What?” Noelle looks up, considerably startled. “When did you ever see this?”
“I was hanging out in Gage’s room, and he showed up with it.” Noah breathes out a laugh. “Yeah, he told me it was the nicest thing he ever had.”
Noelle widens her eyes doubtfully. “Considering everything he had back then, I’m pretty sure he was joking.”
With the memory unfolding in his head, Noah answers - “That’s what I said, and he said something like, ‘I’m not joking, I’m completely serious’.”
Noelle stares at Noah, then wordlessly drops her gaze back to the drawing.
“How did you end up with it, by the way?” he adds. “Thought you gave it to Gage.”
“He gave it back to me at the end of summer. He said he wanted me to remember him by it.” She shakes her head. “As if I would forget him. Ridiculous. But he insisted.”
“Sounds like Gage.”
Noelle nods in agreement, a tiny smile flickering to life in her eyes.
“God, look at him!” she rasps, letting out a strange, soft laugh. “I haven’t seen this in so long…”
She trails off, just looking at it. She seems lost in her thoughts, and Noah’s not sure what to do with himself, so he looks at it, too. Seeing it with new eyes, it feels like.
There’s a much younger Gage, sitting in a chair with his elbows on his knees, his already lanky hands twisted up in a towel. He’s speckled with rain, his damp brown hair messed up like he just dragged the towel over it. A piece of it falls over his forehead, letting a single sparkling droplet get away. The sleeves of his expensive black sweater are pushed up to his elbows, and there’s the band of bright blue wind threaded around his arms, wrapped around his body.
One of Noelle’s best, for sure, mostly due to how she did Gage’s face. She captured him so perfectly, got so much emotion into his expression. It’s like looking at actual teenage Gage, who’s staring up at the artist, his eyes shining with his smile.
Jesus… looking at it now… Noah can see it all, right there. The pure, helpless love glowing in Gage’s eyes, the devoted adoration written all over his face. Even visible in the awkward tension of his shoulders. It’s so clear that Noah almost can’t believe he didn’t notice it before.
And… oh, shit, hang on… that stylized blue ribbon of wind – Noah’s seen that somewhere else.
Tattooed on Gage.
Noah’s eyes snap to Noelle’s face, then drop again to watch as her thumb does a soft, involuntary touch to the stripe of porcelain blue on the old sketchbook page.
Who knows why, but with that, Noah can’t keep quiet anymore. He fidgets with his lip piercing, straightens out his jacket, then finally says it. The way he would have before.
“What are you doing with Logan, Noey?”
She freezes, then looks up sharply at him, blinking hard. “What?”
He’s all in now, so he forces himself to meet her eyes, to keep going.
“He’s really who you want as your companion for life?” He nods down at the engagement ring. “For life? A guy like him?”
Noelle’s smile is gone. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“I mean you’d be bored to death of him before the year is out. Tell you the truth, I think you already are.”
Noelle stares at Noah, completely expressionless, then narrows her eyes as they begin to blaze with instant wrath.
Shit. Here we go.
“Oh, you have no right to comment on my personal life, Noah.” She drops the drawings into the box and sits back, her voice growing very hard. “You don’t know anything about it. You haven’t been there, so how would you?”
Noah flinches, feeling that one right down to the bone. “Okay, I – I deserve that, and I’m really sorry, Noey. Seriously. I’m so fuckin’ sorry.”
Startled by that, she stares at him silently, blinking fast. But she recovers after a second, and goes on acidly -
“You started ditching me all the time to hang out with your new friends, to get into way too much trouble, and don’t even get me started on how things changed once Aiden left!”
Noah closes his eyes, helpless to argue. “I know. I know.”
“You even made me go to France by myself for the summers! We always went together, we always said even when we felt alone, we always had each other!”
“Ralph didn’t want-”
“Ralph didn’t want!” Noelle’s eyes flash so wildly that for a second Noah is afraid she’s going to throw her coffee on him. “How many times was he the explanation for everything? And still you wouldn’t listen to a goddamn word I said about it! Even when I told you it was me or him!”
“You don’t know how important those guys are to me, Noey!” Noah didn’t totally mean to say that, but now he has, so – “I had no fucking friends! There was Gage in France, but then we were back here, and all my old friends fucking forgot about me while we were gone! You were busy, you were an upperclassman, and popular, but I – I was all by myself, until Aiden and Ralph!”
“And that was reason enough to throw yourself after Ralph into the spiral he was going down?”
“That’s not what I was trying to do! I was trying to pull him out!”
“Does that really sound worth the risk of letting him drag you down with him?” Noelle snaps angrily. “In front of the eyes of the people who love you?”
“I didn’t realize that was what would happen, but yeah, to me he’s worth the risk!”
Noelle sits back, thrown off, then narrows her eyes again.
“He treated you like shit, Noah. He was a bad guy in so many different ways. That’s part of why I couldn’t believe you chose him over me.”
“Okay, first of all, I didn’t choose him over you,” Noah protests desperately, with a sinking, despairing look. “Please don’t say it like that, I – I just tried not to choose, because I honestly couldn’t, but then for you I guess that was like the same as if I chose him. That’s not how I saw it, but I couldn’t get you to answer my texts or my calls, so I couldn’t explain myself!”
He stops to catch his breath, not daring to steal a look at Noelle’s face before he goes on.
“And before you double down on what a shitty guy he was, just – you’ve seen how he is now, right? That’s the version of him I always knew was in there, the guy he was before. I won’t front like it excuses what he did, but things got so fucked up for him, Noey, you don’t know the half of it. I didn’t even know the half of it. His dad died when he was just a little kid, and they were super close.” Noah gestures in the direction Dad walked off in. “Can you even imagine-?”
“No!” Noelle interrupts sharply, clasping her hands over her ears. “Don’t even say that, Noah, what the fuck!”
“Okay, but that really happened to Ralph, is what I’m saying! And when Aiden left, it was just – too much for him, I don’t know. It was too much.” Noah blinks fast, dragging his hand beneath his nose. “You were asking me to leave him, too. I couldn’t do it. I’m sorry, but I couldn’t do it.”
Noelle sits there in pale, rigid silence, staring hard at Noah. He waits for her to say something, but she doesn’t.
“I did let him play me, though.” Noah winces, hating having to say that out loud. “I’ll admit that. I let that shit go on for way too long. You and me, Noey, we – we both want to see the best in people, and trust them to do the right thing. I let Ralph use that against me. That’s why I know what it looks like now, why I can see that Logan is doing it to you. And… I’m sorry, but now I know it for a fact. That proposal wasn’t in good faith.”
Noelle blinks, once. “Explain.”
Noah lets out a heavy exhale, then just says it. “Dying Uncle Martin has conditions for putting Logan into his will. If Logan isn’t married, he doesn’t get a dime, and he needs much more than that. All his brilliant investments have put his company into bankruptcy. That company also happens to be the only one he has left. He doesn’t give a damn about his uncle. That’s what this is really about.”
Noelle stares at him blankly, with big, round eyes.
“Repeat that?” she stammers, after a long moment.
Noah anxiously watches her face as he repeats what he said. It’s hard to make out the details of her expression, now that she sat back in the shadows, but he can see her lip trembling by the time he gets to the end.
“That’s – no, that’s – that can’t be true,” she says, still stammering a little. “Because that would be so fucked up, who would do that, he – he wouldn’t do that to me.”
“Yes he would, Noey,” Noah murmurs, miserable at having to tell her this. “He’s not the good guy he makes himself seem like in front of you.”
“Oh, you’ve always hated him!” she snaps, suddenly angry again.
Now Noah is suddenly angry, too. “I can’t help it! I tried to start over with him, I really did, but I can’t help it! You know he tried to insult Dad, Noey? Right to my face!”
She sits back like he just tried to slap her. “Okay, he would never do that, because he knows I would drop him in an instant if he did.”
“That’s why he waited until you were inside! I’d swear he was looking for a fight with me, trying to make me jump him in front of you! Probably so you wouldn’t listen to me if I found out about any of this!” Noah leans forward and meets her eyes again, trying to show her how earnest he is. “The difference is that Ralph changed, and he’s sorry. Logan hasn’t changed. And he isn’t sorry.”
Noelle stares at him, a storm of emotions flashing through her eyes.
“Why do you even want a guy like him?” Noah asks, unable to help himself. “Someone who brings you down all the time, and ruins all your great ideas?”
“They’re not all great ideas!” Noelle sputters, almost startled into laughter. She shakes her head, waving a hand at him. “This is what I need, I know I haven’t been wrong about what I need for all this time, okay? Common sense says-”
“Fuck common sense!” Noah cuts in exasperatedly. “That’s never been our thing, anyways! Let me ask you this, does he make you happy? When you think of what you really want, do you picture him?”
Silence falls. Noah waits, watching Noelle, then leans back in horror when she turns her face aside to hide the rush of sudden tears that just sprang to her eyes.
Noah draws a sharp, fast breath.
“What – oh, shit-” He reaches across the table for her. “Noey, I’m sorry – please don’t – what’d I say-?”
She jolts to her feet, snatching up her backpack.
“I’ve had enough of this!” Color is rising in her cheeks, and her hands are trembling as she slams the box of her drawings closed. Her voice is trembling, too. “Why is everyone trying to boss me around? Don’t I get to choose who I want to marry? I’m doing what I said I would do, and I don’t want to hear another word of this bullshit about Martin’s will, either! It’s not true!”
“Does it sound like me to make all this up?” Noah asks desperately.
“No, but you must have gotten your information from someone with no idea what they’re talking about. Who told you all this, anyways?”
Noah isn’t going to hang Gage out to dry like that. “Someone - someone who definitely does know what they’re talking about.”
“Well, they were wrong, or you misheard, or – something. Or maybe you heard what you wanted to hear!”
“I didn’t, I swear! No, Noey, wait, please don’t leave-”
Noah rises to his feet as she starts to turn away, and impulsively catches her arm. She stops to stare at him in surprise, then blinks in further surprise when he awkwardly gives her arm a little squeeze.
“I’m sorry,” he rasps, meeting her eyes. “I’m sorry for putting you through what I did. But don’t think I ever stopped caring, because I didn’t, not for one second. Please, please trust me on this. At least ask Logan about what I said. If I’m wrong you can hold it over my head for the rest of our lives. If – if you still want me around at all.”
Noelle pauses, blinking hard. Her eyebrows draw up and in as she drops her head, suddenly looking just as anguished as Noah feels.
She looks mad by the time she lifts her head again, though. She takes her arm back, turns on her heel, and storms away.
Noah sinks back down into his chair and sits still, utterly crushed. Determined not to cry, but sensing that’s not gonna help him.
He blinks and looks up in confusion when a shadow falls over him.
“Okay,” Noelle says angrily, glaring down into Noah’s startled face. “I am going straight to the hotel to ask Logan about this. Right now. Just to put an end to this entire stupid thing!”
Noah lets out a breath of relief, his dying hopes perking back up. “I’ll go with you-”
“No. Absolutely not. You stay out of this. Let me handle my own business.”
Noah flinches in dismay.
“But – okay, but please take someone with you, anyone!” He leans past Noelle to peer into the parking lot. To his relief, there’s a little blue car still parked there. Jamie is still here. Bless the cupcake, he didn’t leave. He fell asleep, waiting in the driver’s seat. “Take Jamie! He’s right there. Please, Noey, for my sanity, just take him with you.”
She considers, then comes back with: “Fine.”
Noah sinks down in relief, then draws back in alarm when Noelle seizes a fistful of his sweatshirt and stabs a finger in his face.
“But it is so out of pocket for you to say a word about my personal life, and I could kill you for taking Mom’s side over mine on anything! You’ll pay for it! Later!”
She releases him, then storms across the parking lot like a bat out of hell. She wrenches open the door of Jamie’s car and flings herself inside with a burst of fast, angry words, startling Jamie awake.
Noah has to bite his lip to hold in a laugh, watching Jamie sit bolt upright in bewildered alarm, then nod in confused agreement and start up his car.
It’s another short-lived smile, though. Noah’s heart is twisted up in knots as the tiny blue car pulls out of the parking lot. He’s sure that Logan will lie, try to confuse Noelle, try to turn it around on her somehow, pull out everything in his bag of dirty tricks to make Noah seem like the liar…
Bouncing his knee, he lights a cigarette, closes his eyes, and focuses on what Dad said.
Have more faith in your sister… she’ll make the right call.
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