Home - Part Twenty
This episode is part of a larger story, Soft Touch. If you haven’t yet, you can go back and read it from the beginning right here.
I can’t believe this is my last day at my old apartment.
This has been my home for as long as I’ve lived on my own. A painful pang in my heart catches me by surprise as I look around at it, the specific way it wears the sunlight. It already looks so different, with all of my stuff packed up.
I’m so damn excited to move into the house, but my old place is plucking at my heartstrings.
Aiden has been watching me all morning with nervous blue eyes, stopping to check in with me so often that I’m starting to wonder what he’s so worried about.
“Feeling okay?” he asks again, watching me as I seal up one of the last boxes.
I sit back on my ankles and look up at him. He’s leaning back against the empty kitchen counter, sunlight dappling his face, his huge hands folded around his cup of coffee.
“Yeah, I am.” I push a stray strand of hair out of my eyes, then rest my hands on my knees. “We’re pretty much right on schedule.”
“What’s in there?” Aiden nods at the box on my kitchen island. “I thought I got all the kitchen stuff taken over last night.”
“That’s not kitchen stuff,” I explain, taping off the edge of the box on the floor before me. “It’s a bunch of really old stuff I forgot I even had. I’m gonna drop it at the thrift store later. Some of it is from high school, I think. Maybe even from before.”
Aiden pauses mid-sip of his coffee, his blue eyes filling with curiosity. He goes over to the box and opens it up, starts poking around inside.
“Oh-” He breaks into a wide grin, then extracts something from the box. “What’s this, dude?”
I look at Aiden over my shoulder as he holds what he found out to me. It’s a book called What’s Happening To My Body? A Guide to Puberty for Teen and Preteen Boys.
“Oh, god,” I laugh, turning back to the box I’m working on. “That was my dad’s misguided attempt to get out of having a very awkward conversation with me. I didn’t mean to bring it when I moved out. It must’ve gotten mixed up with the rest of my books.”
Aiden suppresses a laugh as he runs his eyes over the index page. “A whole chapter on masturbation, huh?”
“You know it.”
Aiden flips to the chapter, his dark eyebrows raised all the way up. “There’s a list of frequently asked questions and their answers.”
“Lay one on me, man.”
“Can masturbating make me run out of semen?” Aiden turns the book around to show me the page. “Answer: no.”
“Oh, that’s good, because I definitely would have.”
Aiden instantly chokes on the sip of coffee he’d just taken, spilling more than half of it. He drops the book and the coffee back onto the counter, coughing and laughing, struggling to breathe.
“Jamie,” he wheeze-laughs, thumping his fist against his chest.
“Oh, god - I’m so sorry!” I spring to my feet and rush over to him, alarmed. “I didn’t realize you were-”
“Are you trying to kill me?” Aiden groan-laughs, swiping the back of his hand over his eyes. “Is this your way of getting out of moving in with me? Just murdering me in cold blood?”
“Stop it!” I press my fingers to my flaming cheeks. “You really think that I’d want to get out of-?”
“Jesus Christ!” Aiden finally manages to get his breath back, but immediately dissolves into laughter again. “Keane, you absolute dumbass, I swear to god-”
“I’m sorry!”
Aiden huffs out one last exasperated laugh, ruffles my hair, and playfully shoves me out of the way so that he can get the book put back in the box.
I watch him do it, my heart glowing with love. His blue eyes are still full of laughter, his hair a glossy mess beneath his snapback. His chest, shoulders, and biceps are straining the charcoal henley that fits loosely everywhere else.
I reach around him and run a hand up inside the soft fabric of it, gently stroking his lower stomach. Then I draw my hand back out, lock my arms around him, and rest my cheek against his back.
Aiden goes still. He places his hands on the counter and leans into his palms. We both fall silent, gazing around at my apartment.
“I’m gonna miss it,” Aiden says abruptly. “Your place. I mean - when I think of everything that happened here, everything we…”
His deep voice trails off, leaving the thought unfinished. But I know exactly what he means.
There will always be a room in my heart shaped like this apartment. The interplay of light and shadow that falls through these windows is what will paint its walls. And in it will live every precious moment that I spent here with Aiden.
To try and count them all would be like trying to count all the stars in a galaxy. But I remember each and every one of them, and I don’t plan on ever letting them go. They’re coming with us to our new home, the home we’ll share together. The burst of stupid, happy laughter that just filled this place is only one volume in the vast library I keep within me.
I tighten my arms around Aiden, and he puts his hand over mine, slowly strokes my knuckles.
“I love you,” I say softly.
I don’t know why I felt like I needed to say it right now, but I did.
“I love you, too,” Aiden murmurs, squeezing my fingers. “Wait - were you talking to me, or the apartment?”
I laugh quietly, pressing my nose against his back. “You. The apartment knows I’ll always love it.”
“Yeah.” I hear the affectionate smile in Aiden’s voice. “I always will, too.”
We stay silent for a few minutes, just holding each other. Just being here, appreciating the air, the light, the atmosphere.
Then footsteps and voices on the stairs tell us that the others are on their way up, so we let each other go.
Aiden holds the box on the counter closed, and I go retrieve the tape. We start sealing it up right as Noah opens the door and strides inside, talking over his shoulder to Raj.
“I’m just saying that you shouldn’t be close-minded, dude. That’s all.”
“Oh, my god.” Raj lets out a sound of despair, then looks past Noah to me and Aiden. “Help me, boys. Noah has no fucking idea what the first dance at a wedding is supposed to be like, based on his absolutely deranged song suggestions.”
“I don’t see the problem with Noah’s suggestions, personally,” Ripley jumps in, clearly fighting down a laugh.
“See? McKay gets it.” Noah slaps Ripley’s shoulder, grinning widely, then turns to Kent. “Back me up, Kent. If you got married again, what song would you want your first dance to be to?”
“My Girl, by The Temptations,” Kent answers, without a second of hesitation. “Perfectly describes how I feel about Gabby, so…”
He fades off as everyone stares at him with raised eyebrows. Nobody said anything about Gabby. He brought her up all on his own.
Kent clears his throat, apparently just now realizing how much he said. He hastily takes off his glasses and starts polishing them on his shirt, avoiding everyone’s eyes.
Aiden and I exchange a tiny, covert smile.
“Well, I wanted to do I Like Tuh, by Carnage,” Noah says, and Raj groans helplessly, drops his face into his hands.
“Okay, this conversation is going nowhere.” Raj turns to me and Aiden with pleading eyes. “What were you guys talking about? Let’s have that conversation, instead.”
I glance over at the box with the book, wincing as I answer. “Um - masturbation.”
Raj stares at me, then presses his palms over his eyes. Aiden tips his head back, lets out a heavy sigh.
“You know,” he says, rubbing his temples, “I thought I wanted a boyfriend who would always be honest. Now I’m trying to remember why I ever thought that was a good idea.”
“No, let’s get into it,” Noah says, with a shrug. “If my man Raj wants to have that conversation, then let’s have it.”
“Whoa, dude!” Raj holds up his hands, his dark eyes wide and indignant. “I didn’t fucking ask for this! How was I supposed to know-?”
“Specifically whether or not doing it too much can make you run out of semen,” I add, and Aiden drops his arms onto the counter, then his head onto his arms.
“Duh, of course not,” Noah scoffs, then pauses. He turns to Raj and drops his volume, a troubled expression on his face. “I mean - no, right?”
Raj looks similarly alarmed. “I didn’t think so?”
“Jesus Christ,” Kent sputters. “I hope that Ellen doesn’t have whichever health class teacher you fools did.”
“Okay, enough,” I cut in, flapping a hand at him. “C’mon, stay focused. We have so much to do today, and we’ve barely even started.”
Noah lets out an irritated sigh, then starts gathering his long hair into a bun. “Remind me why we let you two lames talk us into helping with this?”
“No one asked,” Aiden reminds him. “All of you volunteered.”
“Aiden, you could do it all on your own without breaking a sweat, bro. Probably be like, less weight in total than what you lift in one trip to the gym.”
Ripley nods at Noah. “Can confirm.”
“Nah, there’s some stuff I can’t do by myself.” Aiden strides out of the kitchen, crosses to the couch, and wraps an arm around the middle of it. “Like - definitely gonna need help with - oh.”
He stops in surprise, having lifted the couch right off of the ground without assistance.
“You were saying?” Kent laughs, pushing his glasses further up his nose.
“Expected that to be harder,” Aiden mutters to himself.
I let out an affectionate laugh, folding my elbows on the kitchen counter. “Bicep Boy.”
“Alright,” Aiden groans. “What I can’t do is navigate it down the stairs by myself, so I’m gonna need help. Ripley, can you get the other end?”
“Why him?” Noah throws his tattooed hands up in an insulted way as Ripley goes over to help Aiden. “What, you think we can’t do it?”
Aiden holds his side of the couch up one-handed, gesturing at Noah to get out of the way. “Got it, Ripples?”
Ripley flexes his arms, stretches them out, and takes up the other end of the couch. “Yep.”
“Come on,” Noah complains, as Ripley and Aiden make for the door with the couch. “We can lift heavy shit, too.”
“Yeah?” Aiden quirks a skeptical eyebrow at him as he goes past. “Bet you ten bucks that you can't lift those shelves without help.”
“Fuck you, dude,” Noah says, already striding right for them, determination blazing in his grey eyes.
“And we’re off,” I laugh.
Raj picks up the coffee table, and Kent starts gathering my potted plants together. I weave through all the boxes to go roll up the rug where the couch was.
We all swiftly fall into a rhythm. This is the team that put together the exhibition. We’re seasoned pros when it comes to working together. And now we have Kent, too, which makes things go even faster. We talk and laugh as we go, which also makes the time fly.
It feels like no time at all before I look up and find my apartment empty.
Everyone heads down to make sure that my stuff is secure in Raj’s pickup, my car, and Kent’s. I’m left alone, the strap of my bag across my chest, the jar with the malachite cutting in my hands.
I stand in the doorway of my apartment, let my eyes slowly travel over everything. I look out through the familiar windows and breathe in the familiar air. My heart is filled with love, and with a sorrowful, stabbing sense of letting go.
Growing pains.
Goodbye, I say silently, to the empty apartment. Thank you for everything.
I hear slow, heavy footsteps behind me. A moment later, a stubbled chin rests on my shoulder, and warm arms wrap around me. Soft lips brush a kiss against my cheek, and vetiver kisses my nose.
I lean back into my Companion Plant, draw in a deep breath.
“Ready?” he murmurs.
I open my eyes, take one last look at the place I’ve called home since I was eighteen. Then I turn around and take Aiden’s hand, looking up into his beautiful blue eyes.
“Yeah,” I say softly, and mean it with all my heart. “I am.”
~~~~
I knew it would be hard to leave behind my own place. I didn’t expect my heart to be aching like this as Aiden and I walk up the stairs to his apartment to get his stuff.
The late afternoon sunlight spills down onto us as he pushes aside the sliding glass door. It’s just the two of us, because we don't need help moving Aiden’s things. We won’t be taking any of the furniture, which belongs to Kent, and I doubt that Aiden has more than a few boxes of his own stuff, especially since he moved all the kitchen things from both of our places last night.
I’ve been wondering why he did that, and I decide to ask him.
“Wanted to get it there and unpack it,” he explains, as we step into his place. “So I can cook us dinner tonight.”
“Oh.” I stop just inside, caught by surprise. “I assumed we were getting takeout. Aren’t you gonna be tired, babe?”
“Yeah, but it’s our first night in the - I want it to be-” Aiden breaks off, cringing at the way he’s stumbling over his words. “Just - let me do it, man.”
“Okay,” I laugh, warm affection spreading through my chest. “Go ahead, if you want to-”
I break off in the middle of my thought, once again caught by surprise as my gaze travels over Aiden’s apartment.
“Aiden - did you not pack, yet?” I cross to his bedroom, peer inside, and find everything where it’s always been. “Are you kidding me, right now?”
I turn to face Aiden, who is standing behind me, anxiously rubbing his elbow.
“I was worried, like - just thought, um…” He fades off, shrugs his broad shoulders. “Wanted to get your stuff to the house first. Packing my stuff before we did that felt like - jinxing it, or something.”
I stare at him, wide-eyed, then let out an incredulous laugh.
“Aiden.” I take his face in my hands, shaking my head in disbelief. “I signed the fucking lease!”
His cheeks are turning scarlet. I can feel the heat of them against my palms. “Yeah, I know, but-”
“I’m not gonna change my mind!”
“I - I just…” Aiden stuffs his hands into his pockets and drops his gaze to the floor, suddenly shy. “You have no idea how hard it is for me to get my head around the idea that this is really happening, Keane.”
I bite back whatever I had been about to say, gazing up at him, my heart so full that it’s almost painful.
I let out a quiet, adoring little laugh, shake my head again, and lean up to kiss him.
“Go pack,” I tell him firmly, when I draw away.
Aiden bites down on the smile slowly turning up his lips.
“Okay.” He takes a breath, then strides over to the closet. “Won’t take me that long, anyways.”
I stare at him in blank silence as he extracts his backpack and tosses it onto the bed.
“No. No.” I point at the backpack, my huge eyes on Aiden’s face. “Do not tell me that you still somehow only own enough things that you just need one backpack.”
“I mean. Yeah?” Aiden pulls out his running shoes and stuffs them into the backpack. “We’ll probably have to carry some of my work clothes, the soccer ball, and the malachite plant. But other than that.”
“Holy shit.” I press my fingers to my cheeks. “Everything about that goes against pretty much everything I stand for. Just want you to know.”
“I do know,” Aiden laughs, tossing the hangers with his work clothes onto the bed. “I just helped move your many boxes of stuff to our new house.”
“Many boxes! That was a perfectly reasonable number of boxes, and you should be glad, Callahan, because now suddenly we have a lot more space to fill-”
I break off as Aiden drops his handful of clothes on the bed and takes me by my jaw. He presses a long, enthusiastic, excited kiss onto my mouth, then huffs out a laugh against my lips. Ruffles my hair before he rushes off to keep packing.
I drop to sit on the bed, once again having completely lost my train of thought. No thoughts at all, just love for him.
It’s a while before I recover enough that my brain kicks back on again. By the time it does, Aiden is already nearly done.
I get up off of the bed, start to slowly wander as he works.
Just like at my place, I can walk around Aiden’s little attic apartment and put my fingers to any surface, let my eyes linger on anywhere, and some memory springs to life in my mind.
In some places there are layers of memories, countless moments that we spent together. The couch, the bed, the tiny kitchen. The porch with the round table and the two chairs. The desk in the living room where I first discovered Ariana’s magic map spread out, weighed down with all the different stones. Where I found Aiden wrapped in the golden light of his happiness, reading the inscribed poetry book I gave him for Christmas.
The sliding glass door. The night we sat by it to watch the rain, cozied up together, and talked for hours. The time Aiden pushed it open with his celadon eyes brimming with tears after the misunderstanding when he finally told me about his magic. The time he shoved it out of the way to run through it with me slung over his shoulder so that he could throw me down on the couch and drop to his knees before me. The warmth of his mouth on my body.
These moments swim through my mind, all mixed up together into a current of magic and happiness, of me and him.
I’m glad I took pictures, just like I did at my place. The attic apartment as it was.
Aiden’s first place after coming home to Ketterbridge. A place I helped him find, on the first day we really hung out. We’ve been through so much together, here. We spent the first night of our relationship on this bed.
By the time I come out of my reverie, Aiden is all packed up. A tangle of emotions swims through my chest, but the biggest one - by far - is bright, radiant happiness.
We’re all ready to officially let go of our old places. To share a new one with each other.
“You know what I think?” I sit down on the bed, smooth my hands over the covers. “We should make out on this bed for a few minutes before we leave. One last time, right?”
Aiden had already shouldered his backpack and picked up the soccer ball. He drops both immediately, lets the soccer ball roll away. I laugh as he rushes over and eagerly pushes me flat onto my back. I wind my arms around his neck, and he leans forward to put his mouth to mine.
He stops with his lips so close that I feel the warmth of his breath when he speaks. “And then - we’ll go home?”
My heart does a wild, fluttery, staggering leap as I nod up at Aiden.
“Mhm.” I let out a dazed laugh, leaning up to kiss him. “Then we’ll go home.”
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