Super Special Ep: Sure
The episode below is part of a larger story, Soft Touch. If you haven’t yet, you can go back and read it from the beginning right here.
Aiden sits at the bar, alone, nervously dragging his thumb up and down the condensating side of his glass.
He’s not drinking to get drunk, exactly. Only to relax, to make himself more comfortable.
Which sounds bad, but it’s really not a big deal. Aiden is sure that he could get through a day without drinking, if he wanted to. It’s just that he doesn’t want to, because it sounds like it would fucking suck. And why should he have to, anyways? He’s twenty years old, he can do what he damn wants. Anyplace that’ll take his fake ID, that is.
The real problem is that he’s losing sleep.
Recently, Aiden has been waking up frustrated and confused and kind of turned on. There’s a want in him, a restlessness. It’s really starting to bother him. He’s been tossing and turning, having intense dreams even when there are no nightmares.
It wasn’t until he woke up dazed and panting from a seriously vivid dream - vivid enough to stay in his mind long after he crawled out of bed - that Aiden finally understood the problem.
It checks out, now that he thinks about it. This has happened to Aiden before. Other symptoms include: getting stupid when he meets good-looking guys in the course of his travels. Feeling inexplicably nervous around them. Feeling like he wants to say something to them, but without knowing what it is he wants to say.
And the most persistent, prevailing symptom, the driving force of this whole problem: very, very frustrating dreams about Jamie Keane.
Aiden hasn’t done anything with a guy in years. Not since that one, fleeting incident with Seth. The idea scares him, he’s not totally sure that he’s comfortable with it. He wouldn’t know what the hell he’s doing, so it would be embarrassing, and he really likes being with women, anyways, so what fucking difference does it make?
Aiden has done his best to fold this part of himself into its smallest possible form. To tuck it away deep in the back of his brain, where he doesn’t have to face it.
But no matter how hard Aiden tries to smother this fire in himself, the most he can do is reduce it to embers. It never goes out completely, and sometimes it bursts back to life at full-force, without warning. It doesn’t matter that Aiden hasn’t fed that fire in years. It stubbornly lives on.
This time, Aiden knows what sparked it again.
In the last big city he stopped through, he happened to see two men flirting with each other outside of a bar. Both of them were attractive guys, which is why they caught Aiden’s attention in the first place. One of them was teasingly walking his fingers along the other’s collarbone, and the other guy was blushing and laughing. He leaned into the other man, to kiss him. Their noses were brushing together before Aiden realized that he was staring from across the street, and tore his eyes away.
The mental image has stuck with Aiden for days and days, following him from town to town. Whenever his mind is unoccupied, it drifts there.
He fidgets anxiously with his glass again, twisting it in a slow circle on the bartop, trying not to look over his shoulder.
Somewhere along the way, Aiden’s curiosity about giving this a serious try has grown almost equal in size to everything about it that makes him nervous.
And the thing is, there happens to be a really cute guy at this bar.
Aiden didn’t expect this. He’s at a dive bar, by the side of the road. It has dim lights, neon signs, barstools with cracked upholstery. Brick walls, faint rock ‘n roll playing. This is a tiny town, barely a dot on the map. The bar is sized accordingly. Not too many people here, just barely enough to provide a lowkey blanket of noise and conversation.
Aiden didn’t come here looking for anyone. He came here to down enough whiskey to get him through the night, that’s all. He fully expected to pass through this place and forget it by the time he hits the road tomorrow.
But this guy… he’s caught Aiden’s attention.
Must be local, because the bartender recognized him, and greeted him by name: Tai.
Tai walked in with a group of his friends. Aiden thinks that they probably came straight from work. They arrived together, in one dusty truck. They’re all wearing heavy boots, all a little red-cheeked from sun exposure. They have flecks of something speckling their clothes. Concrete, paint, or plaster. It’s hard to tell.
Aiden was sitting at the bar, and Tai stopped right next to him to flag down the bartender.
His friends were having some kind of jokey, laughter-filled argument. But while Tai waited for his drink, his eyes - hazel in color, almond in shape - drifted to Aiden.
Aiden is painfully aware of how imposing and unapproachable he looks, even when he’s not trying to come off that way. Despite that, Tai gave him a friendly nod, and a very warm, genuine smile.
Aiden has always had a soft spot for nice guys.
It’s been about an hour since Tai got here. Aiden’s been trying to avoid looking at him ever since, with limited success.
Aiden gets up, so that he won’t turn his head and steal another glance at Tai. He takes a big gulp of whiskey, then wanders to the other side of the bar and leans back against the wall.
Unfortunately, this ends up giving him a better angle on Tai, who has moved over to the pool tables.
He’s with his friends. They’re all laughing and talking loudly, having a good time. Tai stands with a pool cue behind his neck, resting across his shoulders, held loosely with both hands. Standing like that pulls his heathered t-shirt up a bit, revealing a flash of smooth skin and lithe body underneath.
Aiden has noticed that Tai listens to whatever his friends are saying with wide, attentive eyes, but when he starts laughing, they narrow in a joyful way, and he tosses his head back.
He’s also clearly the best at pool, at least in the group he arrived with. Everyone else is only half paying attention to the game, but Tai... he’s taking his time, careful and meticulous with every shot he makes.
As Aiden watches, Tai leans over the pool table, lining up another shot. Curls his finger around the pool cue just so. Aiden’s gaze travels down the arch of Tai’s back as he bends over to get the shot right.
Aiden places soft, lingering, imaginary kisses down the gentle curve of Tai’s spine. He swallows, his grip tightening around the glass in his hand.
Tai makes his move. The cue ball caroms off another, sends up a quiet clacking sound. Tai straightens up, and Aiden can tell by the look in his eyes that he’s satisfied with the shot. He smirks to himself a little, even though no one else is paying attention.
No one among his friends, that is. Aiden is paying attention, close attention.
Before he can look away, Tai glances up, and their eyes meet across the room.
That restlessness in Aiden, the one he can’t kick - it suddenly multiplies to critical mass. It simply won’t let him look away.
A frantic inner voice is screaming at him, telling him that he needs to stop. Tai is either going to figure this out or be freaked out if Aiden doesn’t tear his gaze away right now. Probably the latter. Aiden doesn’t even know how he’s supposed to be able to tell if a guy is into other guys. He’s had no hint whatsoever that Tai is. Just a - sense, a feeling. That’s nothing to go on.
Stop it, he tells himself desperately, staring into Tai’s hazel gaze. Just fucking look away, look somewhere else, anywhere else...
Tai is staring back at him. He blinks a few times, his eyes locked on Aiden’s. Then he tips his head to the side, curious.
Aiden finally manages to wrench his gaze from Tai’s. He glances quickly away, a deep blush spreading across his cheeks.
Tai is still looking at Aiden, but one of his friends taps his shoulder, distracting him. He says something that makes Tai laugh. Aiden has no idea what they’re talking about, but his brain immediately jumps to the worst possible conclusion.
Oh my fucking god, he thinks, mortified.
He drops his whiskey on the nearest flat surface and looks for the exit. He needs to get the fuck out of here.
He makes a beeline for the door, stopping only to grab his backpack from the dark corner where he left it. Moving as fast as he can without drawing too much attention to himself, he rushes out into the night air and takes shallow, gulping breaths of it.
Numb with humiliation, appalled at his own stupidity, Aiden starts to walk away from the bar. But he stops and slumps back against the exterior of the building, rough brick scratching him through his t-shirt. He needs time to catch his breath. He’s actually going to cry if he doesn’t get himself together. His eyes are already burning, his throat tightening up.
It’s the thick of summer, and the slow-moving air does nothing to cool down the heat in Aiden’s face, his body. But a moment of blessed quiet, outside, away from anybody else - that does help.
He can’t stay here long, though. He really needs to get away from this bar, from the thoughts that were screaming for his attention while he was inside. The thoughts that nearly picked him up and moved him across the bar towards Tai.
But at the same time… if Aiden ever finds what he’s looking for, and gets to go back to Ketterbridge, to see Jamie again…
If by some fucking miracle that all happens, what is Aiden going to do from there? How is that ever going to work, if Aiden is so deeply uncomfortable with this part of himself? If he never faces this head-on?
For a long, silent moment, Aiden thinks of Jamie.
That note, Aiden’s favorite by lightyears - it sings softly in his head. Aiden closes his eyes, listening. The sound gives him breath back, clears his clouded thoughts, reinforces his shredded resolve.
Aiden’s heart is already starting to race, but he straightens up. He takes a step back towards the entrance of the bar.
Before he can go any further, the door opens, and Tai steps outside. Alone, and in a hurry. He stops right there, looking around.
Aiden freezes.
Tai’s eyes find him through the nighttime darkness. He looks - relieved, almost, to see that Aiden hasn’t left.
He smiles, then lifts a hand, spreads his fingers in a little wave.
“Hey,” he says.
Aiden takes a deep breath. His hands are shaking, so instead of waving back, he nods.
“Hey.”
~~~~
They walk together along the edge of the freeway, in the moonlight.
Aiden would normally be a few drinks deeper by this time of the night, but he was worried it might be off-putting to Tai if he had his usual amount. He drank less during the two hours they spent together at the bar than he did in the half-hour before Tai got there.
Unfortunate, because a little liquid courage wouldn’t hurt, but at least Aiden is more together than he would be otherwise. Enough to hold a decent conversation with Tai, who is chatty enough to carry the bulk of it, thankfully.
It was easier when they were sitting in the bar together, surrounded by other people. But now, out here, they’ve both gotten quiet. The heavy summer breeze is warm, caressing, stirring the hair that escapes from Aiden’s snapback.
A row of flimsy, mass-produced houses lines the section of the freeway they’re approaching, not too far back from the road. Tai leads the way towards them, and Aiden follows.
They begin walking across people’s tiny, patchy backyards. Rusted out toys and children’s bicycles are scattered in the grass, along with cigarette butts, shattered bits of fender, empty bottles, takeout bags, and other debris from the road. Tai weaves around everything with practiced ease in the dark, but Aiden nearly trips once or twice. Tai steadies him out with a calloused hand on his arm.
Each touch leaves a burning handprint on Aiden’s skin.
Aiden learned at the bar that Tai lives with his sister and her boyfriend, who are away for the night. Their house is the last one in the row, and the lights are all off. But the screen door is unlocked, and Tai pushes it open without breaking stride. The squeal of rust-corroded hinges momentarily fractures the silence.
Aiden swallows hard, then follows him in.
Tai flips on the lights and pulls off his boots. Aiden takes his shoes off, too, following his lead. There are two bedrooms, and Tai leads Aiden towards the one at the back of the house.
As they cross to it, Aiden notices that the furniture in here is cardboard-thin, and some of it is clearly rented. He can tell by the peeling stickers stuck to them. The couch, the coffee table, the armchair: all temporary presences in this house, it would seem. Just like Aiden.
But Tai’s room feels a lot more personal. His bed looks soft and inviting, and he’s taken it upon himself to paint the walls a deep shade of sea green. A small potted cactus sits on the night table. The window is pushed slightly open, and the chirping of crickets drifts in from outside.
It smells nice in here, something like copal incense.
There’s no overhead light, but Tai switches on a lamp, which casts a soft golden glow. Aiden sets his backpack down on the sun-bleached carpet, against the wall.
Tai straightens up, then turns to look at Aiden. The silence stretches on for a moment longer.
Tai is the one to break it.
He gestures around at the house. “So - like I said, it’s nothing fancy.”
“It’s all good,” Aiden says, stuffing his hands into his pockets. “I don’t need anything fancy. And thanks for letting me crash here tonight. Really appreciate it, man.”
“No worries.” Tai comes back over to join him by the door. “I can’t believe you were gonna sleep by the side of the freeway.”
“I’m used to it.” Aiden shrugs, having trouble looking at Tai. “Been traveling a long time.”
Tai doesn’t answer. He’s standing kind of close, and Aiden’s heartbeat is starting to race again.
It takes a minute, but Aiden manages to make himself look Tai in the face.
Just like they did at the bar earlier tonight, they lock eyes with each other. Tai is shorter than Aiden, and he’s got to tip his head back slightly to look up at him.
“Walked a long way today, already,” Aiden says, just to say something. “Tried to hitch, but no one was stopping.”
“I can tell,” Tai answers. “You’re all dusty.”
He takes a fold of Aiden’s t-shirt between his thumb and his forefinger, gives it a little tug.
Aiden’s breath stops in his mouth. He gazes down at Tai, not sure what to do or say. He doesn’t remember taking his hands out of his pockets.
Tai lets go of his shirt, hesitates, and then places his palms flat on Aiden’s chest.
Aiden freezes again, his muscles all locked up, his heart running hard enough to give out. Tai gives him a very gentle push, and Aiden takes a step back. He lets Tai slowly walk him backwards towards the bed, until it hits the back of Aiden’s calves, and he falls to sit on the edge of it. Their gazes never break apart, not for one second of the short journey across the room.
Tai looks down at Aiden, taking in his facial expression. He hesitates again.
“Hey, man,” he says haltingly, “I’m sorry if I misunderstood. You really don’t have to, um - you can still stay here tonight. It’s okay. If you don’t want to do this, it’s okay.”
“I do want to do this,” Aiden answers, without thinking.
He’s stunned to hear himself say it out loud.
Tai blinks, then smiles. He takes Aiden by the jaw, strokes his cheeks with his thumbs. Then he climbs on top of Aiden, straddling his lap, his knees sinking into the mattress. Aiden’s heart leaps into his throat, and a powerful burst of want floods through him.
Still cupping Aiden’s face, Tai kisses him.
That fire within Aiden, the one he could never really put out - it bursts into life, shakes off all the dust, hums through his every vein.
Aiden is kissing Tai back before he even knows what he’s doing. He tastes Tai’s tongue with his own, slides his hands into Tai’s black hair, achingly aware of how it feels to have Tai sitting on him like this. Tai very deliberately presses himself down onto Aiden’s lap, then rocks teasingly against him.
Aiden lets out a sharp, trembling breath, his fingers tightening in Tai’s hair. He’s unbelievably turned on right now, almost dizzy from it.
When Tai pulls back, both he and Aiden are red-cheeked, breathing hard. Tai looks down at him, his pupils blown out with desire.
He pushes Aiden’s snapback off of his head. Kisses him deeply again, then pulls his shirt up. Aiden lifts his arms, and Tai wrenches his shirt off, then stops to take a look at him. His hazel gaze does a slow drag up and down Aiden’s body.
“God, you are so fucking fine,” he breathes. He’s tracing his fingertips down Aiden’s torso, but staring into his eyes.
“Look who’s talking,” Aiden says, before he can think. “Couldn’t take my eyes off of you, at the bar.”
Tai smiles at him, all sweet and bright and adorable.
They go further back onto the bed, hands and mouths and bodies all tangled together. Tai’s paint-speckled shirt comes off in the process, stays balled up in Aiden’s fist for a moment, then gets tossed aside. Tai pushes him flat onto his back, sits on him again.
Aiden still can’t believe this is happening, but by no means does he want it to stop. He lets out an unsteady, weighted exhale when he feels Tai’s fingers slide beneath the waistline of his jeans.
But Tai pauses, pulls back, and strokes his knuckles down the side of Aiden’s face.
“You seem so nervous,” he murmurs.
"No," Aiden protests.
Tai laces his fingers through Aiden’s. "Your hands are shaking."
“I - just…” Aiden struggles for a second, then just fucking blurts it out. “I haven’t done this before.”
Tai laughs, disbelieving, then realizes that Aiden is serious. He pauses, and presses a little kiss into the corner of Aiden’s mouth.
“Honestly? Never? Because you’re really good at it, so far.”
“No, I mean - I-” Aiden's eyes blink away from Tai. “I have, but not - not with a guy. Only with girls, never with...”
He trails off, chewing his lip, his already red cheeks now emanating a ridiculous amount of heat. He braces himself for Tai’s reaction.
“Oh.” Tai blinks in surprise, sits back. But his weight is still very much on Aiden’s lap. "Well - hey, that's no problem. We were all new at this once, right?"
Surprise and relief and gratitude floods through Aiden.
"But," Tai begins, stopping that warm sensation in its tracks, "I mean - are you sure that this is something you want to do, Aiden? Like, really sure?”
Relieved again, Aiden nods, and skims his fingers over the hard, flat plane of Tai’s chest. Strange feeling. He likes it.
“Yeah,” he says. “I’m sure.”
Again, Aiden can’t believe the words coming out of his mouth, even if they’re true. He’s never even said it out loud to himself, let alone another person.
“I want this,” he hears himself tell Tai. “I’m really, really sure.”
Tai smiles, then tips forward to kiss Aiden again. Aiden takes his face in his hands, holding him there, refusing for a moment to let their mouths break apart.
The two words ring in Aiden’s mind as he lets Tai press him down flat on the bed.
I’m sure, I’m sure, I’m sure...
~~~~
That night, Aiden dreams of Jamie. Only this time the dream is much more detailed, now that Aiden’s had a firsthand experience. Aiden can practically feel him, can almost taste him, can picture everything better.
He drifts upwards out of his dreams, and experiences the unfamiliar sensation of waking up with a naked guy snuggled against him.
Tai is already awake, his hazel eyes fixed on Aiden’s face, one hand sprawled on his chest. Aiden’s arm is curled around Tai’s shoulders, holding him close. Did he do that in his sleep?
“Having a nice dream?” Tai asks, in a knowing kind of way.
Aiden realizes abruptly that the dream has left lingering effects on his body. And Tai knows that, cuddled up around him the way that he is.
Aiden can feel Tai, too. Either he was having some nice dreams of his own, or he was enjoying watching Aiden have them.
Aiden is suddenly very awake, and everything from last night comes crashing back into his mind. He starts to feel ashamed and confused and alarmed, starts to freak the fuck out - but he stops.
I’m sure.
Didn’t he say that to himself a hundred times last night? Know it in his heart and body and mind, all at once? Didn’t he stop trying to fight it, finally?
Not fighting it felt… oddly freeing. Like Aiden let go of something heavy, a wall he was dragging around to keep between himself and this thing he couldn’t look in the eye. The borders of his life have expanded, giving him more room to exist comfortably within them, room he didn’t realize he needed this badly.
He could be himself for one fucking minute, without straining to make sure that this important piece was hidden away. Tai knows that Aiden has slept with women, and he definitely knows that now Aiden’s slept with a man, too - and it doesn’t seem to bother him in the slightest.
In fact, he’s looking at Aiden like he wants more of what they did last night.
And Aiden… he wants more, too.
He nibbles his lip nervously, then rolls over, using his body to press Tai into the bed. Tai’s breath stumbles, and he wraps his arms around Aiden’s neck.
If Aiden isn’t going to fight this anymore, he may as well own it.
As he teases Tai’s mouth open with his own, he decides that owning it feels a whole lot better than fighting it, anyways.
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