Super Special Ep: Brothers (Part IV)
This episode is part of a larger story, Soft Touch. If you haven’t yet, you can go back and read it from the beginning right here.
Aiden lays stretched out on his side, facing Jamie. Jamie’s red eyelashes flutter every now and then with his dreams, the soft curve of his shoulder rising and falling with his slow breaths.
Aiden is watching him. Filling his eyes up with the perfect sight, filling his heart with the perfect feeling of having this particular body cuddled up in the bed beside him.
But he’s also lost in memories. Memories that he hasn’t let himself think about for a long time.
There’s a deep, serious ache in his heart that won’t let him sleep.
Aiden swims through his thoughts for a few more minutes of silence. Then he takes Jamie by his slim hips, draws him closer, and starts spreading kisses all over his freckled face. Down his neck, then back up, until Jamie stirs against him.
Jamie’s sleepy laughter is instantly soothing to Aiden’s soul, as it always is. Jamie wraps his arms around Aiden’s neck, lets out a drowsy little exhale as his eyes blink open. Aiden catches the end of it in a soft kiss, and Jamie smiles against his mouth.
“Hi,” Aiden murmurs, when he draws back.
“Mmm, hi.” Jamie starts winding his fingers into Aiden’s hair, smiling - then stops as his amber eyes focus on Aiden’s face. “Are you okay?”
Aiden bites his lip, then shakes his head no. Tells Jamie with his eyes. Something is broken.
Jamie sits up on his elbow, looking at Aiden with obvious concern. He gently touches his fingertips to Aiden’s cheek, waiting.
Aiden takes a deep breath, then tells Jamie what he’s thinking of doing. Jamie listens, waking up more and more as Aiden speaks. When Aiden gets to the end, Jamie is staring at him with adoring eyes, a warm smile turning up his lips.
“Aw,” he says, leaning forward to drag the tip of his nose along Aiden’s jaw. “I think you should, Sugar Maple. If that’s what your heart is telling you to do.”
Aiden chews that over for a moment, then slips out of bed, careful not to disturb Luna. He slips on his boxers, unplugs his phone. Goes to type out the text, and - remembers that he doesn’t even have the phone number. Doesn't even have that contact saved, anymore.
The realization sends a sharp, cold lance of sadness through Aiden’s heart. He stares down at the empty message for a second, then gives himself a shake and reaches for Jamie’s phone, so he can send himself the contact.
When the text is sent, Aiden pulls on a henley and his jeans, starts looking for some socks.
“What - right now, Aiden?” Jamie sits up in bed, pushing his fingers through his brilliant hair. “What time is it?”
“He’ll be awake,” Aiden answers, and leans down to give Jamie a kiss goodbye.
~~~~
Aiden gazes out at the park, his breaths puffing on the chilly night air. Everything is deep in shadow, laced through with hazy moonlight. The breeze sets the treetops to stirring, sending up the quiet, whispering rustle of leaf against leaf.
Even after all this time, the particular shape of the rock ledge feels familiar against the backs of Aiden’s knees.
The text he sent got no response, but he’s going to wait until sunrise, just in case. He runs a hand over his stubbled jaw, feeling his morning scruff already coming in. Nervously takes off his snapback, tosses his hair out of his eyes, and puts it back on.
Then he looks up sharply, hearing the soft crunch of footsteps on the grass.
Ralph steps slowly out of the shadows. He stops before Aiden, the half-light of the moon sliding down the side of his face, catching in his blonde hair.
They look at each other for a long, silent moment.
“Sent the text a while ago,” Aiden finally says. “Thought you weren’t gonna show.”
Ralph holds up his phone, which has the text from Aiden pulled up.
“Wasn’t sure if you were serious,” he says, very quietly.
The text says only: our spot. But Aiden and Ralph have sent that exact text to each other so many times, the rest is simply understood between them. I’m there right now, waiting for you.
Even from here, Aiden can see that Ralph didn’t have his number saved, either. But he knew exactly what the text meant, exactly who it was from.
Aiden takes a deep breath, then tosses his head at the rock ledge.
Ralph stares at Aiden with wide, unblinking eyes, his expression unreadable. Aiden looks back at him, tensed up, honestly not sure what he’ll do.
Ralph bites his lip, then takes a step forward. Aiden lets out a soft breath, and Ralph comes up around the side of the ledge. He drops down next to Aiden, automatically taking the place where he always used to sit. Puts his knees over the edge.
Heavy silence falls again. Neither of them seem to be able to look at each other.
They’ve seen each other a lot of times since Aiden came back to Ketterbridge, but never here.
Ralph fidgets with the leather bands around his wrist, staring out at the park, keeping his eyes anywhere but on Aiden’s face.
“Did the ledge get smaller?” Aiden asks, after a minute or two.
It feels like it did. Aiden and Ralph’s feet are so solidly planted on the hill that they both have their knees bent, elbows resting on them.
Ralph lets out a soft exhale, almost like a laugh, then shakes his head. “Nah, man. We got bigger.”
There’s another silence. Aiden is beyond nervous about this, but he makes himself take a deep breath. He casts his mind back to the moment three days ago, when the ache opened up in his heart again. He’s pretty sure that it was there this whole time. He just hadn’t let himself think about it.
Until it caught him with his guard down, when he and Ralph talked in the rainy garden behind the kitchen.
Got guilty thoughts running through my mind all night, A. How am I supposed to sleep?
A single sound. A single letter, really. A. That was all it took to open up the wound in Aiden’s heart again.
Makes sense, because it had never healed in the first place. And over the last three days, the pain of it has grown to be intolerable.
Aiden draws in another deep inhale, then looks at Ralph.
“You know,” he says slowly, “I’m fucking furious with you about what you did to Noah.”
Ralph immediately turns his face away, holding the ledge tightly.
“Go on, tell me off for it. You won’t say anything I haven’t already said to myself.”
“I’m not here to do that.” Aiden falls silent for a moment, choosing his words. “I… don’t feel like I’m talking to the person who did that shit to Noah. I don’t know what the hell happened that night Calla stayed over at your place, but it feels like some different version of you got free and took over. And I don’t think he’s going back in the cage, is he?”
Ralph sits frozen for a moment, then steals a fast, uncertain glance at Aiden. He picks at his wristbands, doesn’t answer.
“At the house, I told you that I barely recognize you. Now that you’re like this.” Aiden looks closely at Ralph, speaking slowly. “But I’ve thought about it more, and it’s actually like - like I finally recognize you.”
Ralph finally meets Aiden’s eyes with his. Aiden looks into them, and - sees something there that had been missing, ever since he came home. A warmth and depth he thought he’d never see captured in this familiar shade of sage green ever again.
Suddenly Aiden could be looking at the kid with the faded Transformers t-shirt and the bruise on his jaw, his feet hanging only halfway down the ledge.
Aiden lets out an unsteady breath, a powerful surge of old affection moving through his heart.
“Yeah, see?” he says hoarsely. “I don’t know who the fuck that was I met when I got back into town, but I know who this is.”
Ralph looks away from him again and drops his head, his eyebrows knitted, his lips pressed tightly together.
“It doesn’t get you off the hook for what you put Noah through. Not at all. I’m not going to forgive you for that until he does. If he does.” Aiden stops, takes a second to steady out. “But I just - I just want to put that aside for one night. I don’t want to talk about that. I want to talk about us. You and me.”
Ralph’s eyes swiftly dart to Aiden, then away just as quickly. He stares out over the park, biting the inside of his cheek.
“We’re not good at talking like that, Aiden,” he says roughly. “Neither of us.”
“Yeah, well. That was part of the problem, right? We couldn’t just say what we actually meant, a lot of the time. We couldn’t just - be honest with each other.” Aiden leans forward, catches Ralph’s eyes with his, and looks deeply into them again. “But we could try, man. Right now.”
Ralph stares at Aiden, then sharply breaks his gaze away. He keeps quiet for a minute or so, uneasily drags a hand over his eyes.
“Any explanation I give you is gonna sound like I’m making excuses for myself. And none of it excuses a fucking thing.”
“Well - can we just agree that none of it excuses anything, and talk about it anyways?” Aiden asks desperately. “Because I do want the explanation, and I think you deserve one, too.”
Ralph absorbs that, gives it some thought for a silent moment.
“Where - where are we supposed to start?”
Aiden draws back, startled that Ralph is actually willing to have this conversation. He knows exactly how fucking rough it is to try to talk like this, and Ralph is even worse at it than he is. It’ll be a superhuman effort, for him.
But he must have decided that it’s worth it, just like Aiden did.
Aiden takes a deep breath, trying to think of an answer for him.
“One thing we never used to do was apologize to each other,” he points out. “And we owe each other so many fucking apologies at this point, it might be good to start with - one?”
Ralph nods slowly, keeping his eyes on the shadowy, moonlit trees. “You sound like you’ve got one in mind.”
Aiden does, although he’s startled that Ralph can tell that. He’s not even looking at Aiden. He heard it in his voice.
Aiden’s breath picks up as he tries to gather himself together to get through this. He closes his eyes for a second, listens to Jamie’s note to steady out. Then he opens them again, turns to look at Ralph.
“What I said to you, the night that Jamie and I got Noah away from you. When I went off on you, and scared you, when I m-made you run-”
Aiden stops, swallowing against the guilt and shame rising in his throat. The mere thought of that night is torture, and he almost can’t bear it. He hasn’t let himself think about it for more than a few seconds, couldn’t let himself.
“I’m so sorry.” Aiden has to force himself to get through it, choking on his words. “I didn’t mean a fucking word of that shit. I would never have said any of it, but it was - it was for Noah.”
Ralph closes his eyes, drops his head a little.
“C’mon, Aiden,” he says softly. “I knew you didn’t mean it.”
Aiden blinks at him, then draws his head back sharply.
“You - what?” He shakes his head, staring at Ralph. “How could you possibly know?”
Ralph looks over at him, shrugs his shoulders. “Because - we never meant it. All the horrible shit we used to say to each other. We didn’t mean it.”
It’s a long moment before Aiden can pull himself together enough to answer him. “Are you just saying that to make me feel better?”
“No.”
Aiden narrows his eyes at him. “Are you lying?”
“No.” Ralph lets out a heavy breath, then looks at Aiden again, lets him see the sincerity in his eyes. “Not anymore.”
“But - you-”
“Ran? Yeah. Because I forgot how fucking scary you are. Jesus Christ.” Ralph exhales a soft laugh. “You were built for war, man. Funny how you’ve run in the opposite direction.”
Aiden stares at Ralph in disbelief. “But you stopped fucking with Noah afterwards, for the most part, you-”
“Yeah, I…” Ralph nibbles his lip. “I was scared that if I pulled one more stunt, that would - that would finally be the time you did mean it.”
Aiden lapses into speechless silence.
“Although,” Ralph adds, after a moment, “I’ll be damned if I can figure out how the fuck you got the combo to my safe.”
Aiden answers without thinking, half in a daze. “A ghost helped me.”
Ralph makes an irritated face at Aiden, but it doesn’t seem like he means it. Actually, he’s looking at Aiden with something else completely in his eyes, something like - forgiveness.
Aiden lets out a breath that he feels like he’s been holding for ages. He lifts his snapback and runs a hand through his hair, suddenly overwhelmed with relief.
Ralph hesitates, his eyes flitting to Aiden. “Guess that makes it my turn?”
Aiden looks back at him, waiting. Wondering which thing Ralph will choose to apologize for. He’s got a lot of options.
Ralph nibbles his lip again, his eyes slowly filling up with a storm of emotion. Guilt and remorse and regret. He blinks them away from Aiden, then takes a long inhale.
“I’m - sorry,” he says slowly, in a strangled voice, “That I made you feel like you couldn’t tell me about this.”
He reaches out and flicks the brim of Aiden’s snapback, then hastily takes his hand away. Aiden blinks at him, confused - then remembers he’s wearing his bi pride snapback, the one that Ripley made him.
“The - the shit I said,” Ralph struggles on, “And - words I used, I - I didn’t mean that shit. It was ignorance, not hate, I - learned about that stuff from all the wrong people. I know that doesn’t make it better, I just… I’m so sorry.”
Aiden stares at Ralph, who determinedly keeps his eyes trained on the park. Then he steals a glance at Aiden, freezes when he sees how Aiden is looking at him.
The silence swells up, and suddenly it feels like both of them are on the brink of tears. Ralph hastily turns his face away, and Aiden takes in a shaky breath, trying to get a hold of himself.
“Man, what happened to us?” he asks, painfully aware of how thin and scraping his voice sounds. “Everything - everything got so messed up.”
“I don’t know.” Ralph pushes a trembling hand through his blonde hair. “I know we both had shit going on at home, I know we were both - pissed off and miserable because of it, but we were good - but then we were fighting so much, by senior year-”
“Because you kept acting like an asshole!” Deep frustration spikes through Aiden, and shows in his voice. “I kept catching you lying to me, and I couldn’t even figure out why, half the time - and you wouldn’t lay off of Noah! Why, man? He adored you, and I know that the feeling wasn’t one-sided, but by senior year-”
Aiden breaks off, remembering what Noah said at the bus station, when he offered to go with Aiden. To leave Ketterbridge, possibly forever.
What’s keeping me here?
Aiden remembers the thread of hurt he heard in Noah’s voice, when he said that.
“By senior year he already felt like you didn’t care about him anymore,” Aiden finishes, more quietly.
Ralph was keeping his face turned away from Aiden, but now he lifts his head, his eyes dark with shame. “I - I know-”
“It was your idea to bring Noah into the group in the first place!”
“Yeah, but you guys were-” Ralph breaks off, struggling to catch his breath. “You guys just hit it off way better than I realized you would, and - and then he joined the soccer team with you - and he never got mad like I did, never snapped on you, he made you laugh way more than I did-”
“So that meant you always had to put him down, try to make him feel like he was worse than the rest of us? I don’t fucking get it!” Aiden leans closer, forces Ralph to meet his gaze, and looks fiercely into his eyes. “Why, Ralph? Just tell me why!”
“Because I was afraid that he was going to get between us!” Ralph blurts out, suddenly talking very fast. “I was fucking terrified of anything that I thought might-”
Ralph cuts himself off with a staggering breath. He drops his head, holding tight to the rock ledge.
“You don’t understand, Aiden,” he says hoarsely, his voice on the verge of breaking. He sniffles, drags the back of his hand over his nose. “You - you were all I had. For a long time, you were literally all I had. You at least had your aunt, but I had nobody. That summer we met each other, there were days when I felt like I didn’t even fucking exist until I got to see you, you - you have no idea what meeting you changed for m-me…”
He trails off, blinking hard and fast, not looking at Aiden. Aiden stares at him, wide-eyed. He can’t make himself say anything. His heart is shattered to pieces.
“I was - so angry at everything already, and I didn’t know how to fix myself. No one wanted to hang around with me. Except you.” Ralph roughly brushes his hand over his eyes. “And then we started high school, and suddenly everyone wanted to be your friend, all these people who compared to me were just like, objectively - you had your choice of everyone. I felt like it was only - only a matter of time-”
“Told - I told you,” Aiden finally stammers, in a very fragile voice. “I told you that I didn’t care about any of them, I told you that you were the only one I actually-”
“I know, but you had all these choices, and I just…” Ralph falters, then lets it out all in a rush. “Couldn’t see why you kept choosing me. I just didn’t want to lose you, I couldn’t think of anything worse than losing you. And I freaked out, went to all these insane lengths to hold you to me, I think because - I - I had already lost someone else that I lov-”
Ralph breaks off sharply. Falls completely silent.
Aiden doesn’t speak, either. He’s at a total loss for words. The silence stretches on.
“Ralph.” Aiden closes his eyes, a stab of sharp, jagged pain cutting through his heart. “If you had just believed me, when I told you…”
“How could I believe you?” Ralph gives his head a tiny shake, but doesn’t lift it to look at Aiden. “You were the only one who chose me, man. The only one, until Noah. It was out of order with everything I knew about how people felt about me.”
“But it was the truth.” Aiden reaches out and grips Ralph’s upper arm, and Ralph looks at him, startled, his eyelashes wet. “It was the fucking truth.”
Ralph blinks at him, and a tear rolls down his cheek. “Then why - why the fuck did you leave?”
Aiden lets him go and runs a hand over his stubble, guilt flooding through his chest. Ralph closes his eyes, turns away again.
“How could you just leave?” he whispers, so quietly that Aiden can barely make out his ragged words. “How could you not tell me until you were already on your way to the fucking bus station, Aiden? You promised me that we would always stick together. That whole time, you were planning-”
“No, not the whole time,” Aiden cuts in, unable to look at Ralph. “My - my plans changed.”
“When?”
“Sophomore year.” Aiden takes an unsteady breath. “When I met Jamie.”
Ralph stares at Aiden, waiting for an explanation. Aiden avoids his eyes, an immense shower of anxiety moving through his chest. Ralph apologized, and Aiden can tell it was sincere, but still - talking to him about this kind of thing makes Aiden deeply nervous. He’s not used to it, not at all.
“Why when you met Jamie?” Ralph asks, which Aiden takes to mean he’s been silent for too long.
“Because-” Aiden takes a deep breath, then forces himself to meet Ralph’s eyes. His voice is trembling, but he makes himself say it. “Because I fell in love with him.”
Ralph stares at Aiden, wide-eyed and silent.
“Sophomore year,” he repeats, after a long moment. “When you were fucking - fifteen? That’s when you - with Jamie…?”
Aiden nods, roughly swiping a tear away from his eyes.
“I can’t really explain it,” he rasps, struggling hard to keep himself talking. “But yeah, I did. Fell so hard, it was like... you have no idea how in love with him I am, man. Always, since - since the very start.”
Aiden stops to take a breath. Ralph is still frozen, at a loss for words.
“And the only pathway I could see to him,” Aiden forges on, trying not to look at him, “Was taking me right out of town. I didn’t tell you about it until the last second because I couldn’t bring you with me, and I was afraid that you would try to mess it up. Stop me, somehow. Keep me here.”
Ralph looks at Aiden for another silent moment, then drops his gaze to his hands.
“I would have,” he says, in a hollow voice. “I - yeah. I would have.”
A heavy silence comes over them, and then Ralph presses his palms to his eyes.
“But, Aiden, I mean…” He lets out an anguished breath. “You just left. You left, and then I didn’t hear from you or see you once, for eight fucking years. Don’t you - don’t you know how much I fucking missed you?”
The last few words come out rough around the edges, but they stir something soft and tender and pained in Aiden’s heart.
“You think I didn’t want to call you, man?” His words are breaking apart, too. “You think I didn’t think about it a million times? But you tried to hit me, Ralph. And then I hit you back. That was a line we never crossed with each other, I felt like something - broke. I didn’t think you’d want to hear from me, and I…”
He stops, swallows. Ralph looks at him, eyebrows knitted.
“I thought that it ultimately wouldn’t matter, anyways.” Aiden blinks back another wave of tears. “Because you - you wouldn’t want to be my friend anymore, once you figured out that I’m bi.”
There’s a split second of silence, and then Ralph makes a soft sound like Aiden just stabbed him. He covers his eyes with his hand, drops his head. Aiden twists to look at him, startled.
“Shit,” Ralph gasps, suddenly sounding out of breath. “Oh, fuck. That feels bad. I know it’s my own fucking fault, but shit, that feels bad.”
Aiden starts to reach out for him, blinking hard. “I’m sorry-”
“Don’t you fucking apologize!” Ralph’s head snaps up, his eyes blazing. “Don’t-”
He stops, breathing hard, then turns away.
“Don’t,” he says again. “It’s me who should.”
“You did.”
Ralph runs a hand through his hair. “Should I - do it again?”
Aiden stares at Ralph, another startling burst of affection in his heart. “No, it’s - it’s okay.”
They fall quiet, and then Aiden adds - “You could’ve texted me, by the way. Called. Not asked out Melanie as soon as I left town.”
Ralph winces with his whole face. “I was - pissed at you.”
“Lame explanation.”
“Yeah, I know.” Ralph drops his hands back down to the ledge. “That’s the explanation for me asking Mel out, and that was deeply lame of me. But I didn’t call because - I thought you didn’t want to hear from me, either.”
Aiden hesitates, nibbling his lip.
“Well - what the fuck happened while I was gone? You were a whole different person, by the time I came back.”
“I know.” Ralph closes his eyes. “I went off the deep end, I wasn’t - I wasn’t even thinking about what I was doing. I was determined not to lose anyone else, and on some - subconscious fucking level, I decided… if no one was ever going to want to stay with me, I would just - force them. No matter what it took. And if no one was going to like me, anyways, and being nice was real fuckin’ hard for me… why even try? Especially to Noah, because - my way of keeping him with me was making him feel like no one else wanted him. And that I barely did, either.”
Ralph swallows, looks helplessly at Aiden.
“Don’t say it,” he murmurs, in a tortured voice. “I know, okay? Can’t even look at my own face in the mirror, most days.”
Aiden gives his head a slow shake, his face screwing up in frustration.
“Ralph.” He takes Ralph by the jaw, makes him meet his eyes. “You know what happened to you? No one gave you any love for such a long time, you forgot what it looks like. Noah and I were handing it to you in heaps every day in high school, and you didn’t see it. Noah stuck with you for eight years after I left. You kept him so starved for any love, and he was pretty much ready to let himself die of hunger, for you. You know how rare that is? An eight-year deep reservoir of love and faith, even when he was getting nothing back? Twelve years if you count high school, which you should. And he didn’t cut you off because he ran out. He cut you off because his sister’s safety was on the line. Only then. Do you know how he must feel about you? You haven’t just had love, Ralph, you’ve had love of an exceptional kind, and you never noticed for one second.”
Ralph stares silently at Aiden, the sea of emotions in his eyes too complex for Aiden to read.
“You didn’t have to do any of that shit to trap people with you.” Aiden lets him go and sits back. “You already had what you were trying to force. The whole time, you already had it.”
Ralph stares hard at Aiden for another moment, and then his eyes blink away to look at the park again. A smudge of vivid red light is building on the horizon, the first sign of the sun coming up. Ralph gazes out at it, but Aiden can tell he’s not seeing it. His stare is blank, all of his focus taken up by whatever’s happening within him.
Aiden gives him a good long minute, then nudges his arm with his elbow.
“Don’t make the same mistake with Calla,” he warns him. “Assuming your date last night went good, and there’s gonna be another one?”
Ralph bites his lip, looks over at Aiden, breaks into a small smile. Aiden finds himself returning it, and then they both break into tiny, matching grins.
“Nice,” Aiden says, and Ralph lets out a soft laugh.
“Girl’s a lioness, man,” he murmurs, his voice full of fondness. “I’ve got my hands full.”
“Yeah, you seem really stressed out about it,” Aiden says, looking at the warm glow shining out from Ralph’s eyes. “What’d you guys do?”
“Walked on the beach. Talked for a couple hours.”
“Aw,” Aiden says, and Ralph rolls his eyes, but he’s smiling.
They both look out at the skyline again, then stop still when they see the sun beginning to break the edge of the horizon.
Ralph looks at Aiden, who looks back at him. They agreed to put everything aside for one night, and the night is over.
Ralph bites his lip, then says suddenly, all in a rush -
“I know you don’t see me that way anymore, but I’m glad I ever got to call you my brother, A.”
Aiden closes his eyes, reaches for that invisible bond, and - finds it still there.
“I mean…” he answers, speaking slowly. “Brothers fall out with each other, sometimes. They fuck up and make mistakes and get far away from each other. But that doesn’t mean they’re not brothers anymore.”
Ralph blinks, then freezes, staring at him, his sage green eyes very wide. Aiden gets to his feet, looks down at Ralph.
“I really, really hope you find it in yourself to try to talk to Noah.” Aiden hesitates, then reaches down and affectionately messes up Ralph’s blonde hair. “Because I miss my brother. And I want him back. If he wants me back, too.”
Ralph stares silently up at Aiden. Aiden draws his hand away, then turns and sets off across the park, leaving Ralph on the rock ledge.
Walking alone, for now.
But there’s a tiny flame of hope in his heart that maybe, one day, he can walk with both of his brothers again.
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