Special Episode: Small Voice
This episode is part of a larger story, Soft Touch. If you haven’t yet, you can go back and read it from the beginning right here.
She’s been a girl without a name for a long time.
But now, she sits in the quiet classroom with her chin resting on her palm, her pen paused on her notebook. She’s staring down at the page, at what’s suddenly there in her own handwriting.
She doesn’t remember writing it, but there it is, nestled in with all the aimless doodles in black pen. Like it appeared by magic.
Gabrielle, she wrote out, without thinking about it. She hesitates, then slowly writes - Gabby.
The name sends a rush of inexplicable warmth through her. She wonders where she heard it. On TV? From one of her tías, over at her house gossiping with her mom about someone? Did she read it in a book?
Whatever happened, the pretty name got stuck in her memory somewhere between this morning and this afternoon. She hadn’t even noticed, until it came out through her pen.
Gabrielle. Gabby.
She thinks of it with her last name paired to it. Gabrielle Soto.
She bites back a little sigh of delight. Things have been lonely and difficult and miserable, but this… this makes her happy.
She startles as a jeering, mocking voice suddenly breaks the quiet of the classroom.
“Oooh, Soto’s got himself a little crush,” laughs someone from behind her. “Who's Gabby, man?”
Me, she nearly answers defensively, but she keeps her mouth firmly shut and her eyes on her notebook, trying to ignore him.
“And here we all were thinking you didn’t even like girls,” Trevor snickers, his shadow falling over her notebook as she hastily slams it shut. “You know, ‘cause of how you act like one.”
Lenny - Trevor’s favorite goon, personal laugh-track to his hostile and unfunny jokes - bursts into laughter as he flings himself down into the chair next to Gabby’s.
“Pretty sure that theory was right, Trevor,” he snickers. “Still a girl-ass thing to be doodling a name into your notebook. You gonna add some hearts to it, too, Soto?”
She closes her eyes and leans on the new name she’s found. She wants to try it out, see if she likes it for her own. Even if she can only do that silently for now.
Gabby opens her eyes and flashes a dark, irritated glare up at Trevor and Lenny, like this conversation is boring. Not like it’s making her go to pieces with anxiety inside. They don’t get to see that. She may be keeping her head down until she gets the fuck out of high school, but she’s not going to give them the satisfaction.
“What’s the matter, Soto?” Trevor’s nasty, too-big grin is still taking up most of his face. “Cat got your tongue?”
“He wishes Gabby had his tongue, apparently,” snickers Lenny. “Or is it really some guy named Gabriel? Seems more likely.”
You fucking idiots, Gabby thinks, her cheeks burning as she drops her gaze back to her notebook. You don’t know the first thing about me.
Her eyes are slowly filling with angry tears. It’s so goddamn frustrating that she can’t argue with them about any of this shit. She might give something away about who she really is, if she does that. And she’s reminded herself over and over again that it’s more important to keep her secret than it is to engage in stupid, pointless arguments with dipshits like these two.
The risk of outing herself is real and serious. Not. Worth. It. To. Argue.
Still, it makes her ache inside that because of who she is, she can’t speak on her own terms. All she can really do is sit here and put up with this until it stops, hoping they don’t see the stressed-out crimson blush in her cheeks and the dampness gathering on her eyelashes. Other students are starting to filter into the room, chattering away. She hopes none of them are looking at her, seeing this.
Goddamnit, why can’t Trevor and Lenny just leave her alone? All she’s doing is sitting here in the very back of the classroom, as quiet as she always is, bothering no one. She’s never even spoken a word to either of these two, and still -
“Yeah, no way Soto’s after a girl.” Trevor is still hanging over Gabby, casting a shadow over her in the rainy light. “My theory-”
The words burst from Gabby’s mouth before she can stop herself. “Nobody asked for your theory!”
“Oooh,” Trevor laughs, with jeering coldness in his voice. “He speaks! Looks like someone can’t take a j-”
“What the fuck are you guys doing?” cuts in a new voice.
Gabby looks up sharply, her heart fluttering.
She hasn’t really looked at Trevor or Lenny, and she doesn’t even really see them now. She looks almost right through them at the boy who just joined the conversation.
He’s tall, with low eyebrows and luminous skin the color of rich, dark earth, which picks up a glow from the stormy light. Hair in a fade on the sides, with a short burst of locs on the top, just long enough to fall forward over his temple and touch the rim of his glasses.
He has beautiful eyes. Almond-shaped, deep brown in color. Currently fixed on Lenny and Trevor with obvious dislike.
“None of your fucking business, Kent,” Lenny answers, irritated by the interruption.
“Oh, yeah?” Kent keeps his eyes on Lenny, but nods his head at Gabby. “Seems to me you’re all up in Soto’s business, even though it’s none of yours.”
“It’s a free country,” Lenny points out, lazily sprawling back in his seat.
“And you’re making great use of that, huh?” Kent asks, with sarcasm laced into every word. “This is what you’re choosing to do with all that freedom? Just, like - be an asshole to someone who wasn’t even bothering you? The Founding Fathers would be so stoked. I wish they could see this for themselves. Not since the days of old has there been such a brave and valiant example of their vision. You’re a true man of valor, Lenny.”
Gabby is amazed to find herself suddenly biting back a laugh. She steals a very swift, timid glance at Kent.
Her heart comes to a complete standstill when he turns his eyes on her just in time to meet her gaze.
Then it stops all over again, because he winks at her.
“Oh, good,” Trevor groans, not noticing. “Another fucking lecture from Kent. We all haven’t heard enough of those.”
“What was the last lecture I gave you, Trevor?” Kent puts a finger to his chin, pretending he’s trying to remember. “Wasn’t it something to do with how you shouldn’t drink so much tequila at that party last weekend? You didn’t listen, I remember. And how’d that night end, again? Didn’t you barf violently right into your own-?”
“Shut the fuck up, Kent!” Trevor snaps up onto his feet, staring daggers at Kent, then whips around to glare at Gabby. “What the f-?”
Gabby quickly puts her hands over her mouth. She couldn’t help the little burst of laughter that just escaped her. She heard with total horror that it sounded like a soft, girly giggle. And Trevor heard it, too.
He looks ready to say something nasty about it, but he glances at Kent - still sitting on whatever information he has about that party last weekend - and reconsiders.
“C’mon, Lenny, let’s go. This shit is boring me out of my skull.”
Lenny and Trevor disappear into the knot of other students starting to fill the classroom. Kent watches them go, then drops his gaze to Gabby.
She immediately drops her own gaze back to her notebook, then rushes to flip it over when she remembers she’s doodled all over the front, too. She leaves it turned to the plain, blank, empty side, the only side she can handle anyone seeing right now.
“Right into his own shoes,” Kent says abruptly, in a matter-of-fact voice. “Directly into his own shoes. In case you were wondering about how that party ended.”
Gabby looks up at Kent, then lets out a soft, startled laugh before she knows what she’s doing. She catches her lip between her teeth and quickly tears her eyes away from Kent again, feeling lost at sea.
Kent drops to sit at the desk beside her, then slaps her shoulder. “You alright, dude?”
Gabby is not alright. Her face is burning and her heartbeat is out of control, crashing against her ribs like a ship tossed around in a storm. She’s carefully not looking at Kent, but she’s very aware of his close proximity to her. It puts a humming electricity in her veins, a sense of sparks flaring.
She draws in a shaky breath and nods, once, without looking up from her desk.
Kent hesitates, then adds suddenly -
“Why don’t you ever defend yourself, Soto? You’ve got more brains than those two put together. I can tell, and I’ve only ever heard you talk when you have to give a presentation for class.” He tilts his head to the side, looking closely at her. “You’re bright as hell, aren’t you? It shows, even though you’re trying to keep it on the low for some reason. Bet you could run this whole town, if you wanted to.”
Gabby looks up sharply, taken completely by surprise, then gets her eyes on her notebook again as fast as possible. Shugs a little, picking at the corner of her notebook. Trying not to let him see the tremble in her fingers.
“You could stand up for yourself,” Kent points out, staring at her curiously. “You always look like you have so much to say, but then you just - don’t. How come?”
Gabby steals another swift glance at him. Kent, the cutest guy at this whole fucking school, in her opinion - is talking to her. But why? Does he have any idea what he’s doing to her, right now?
An awful thought strikes her.
Does he know that I like him? Is he about to spring some kind of joke on me?
No, he can’t know. There’s no way he could know. Gabby has never said a word to him, not that she can remember. And she would remember. Besides, he’s always struck her as a remarkably kindhearted person. She can’t make herself believe that he would take her crush on him as an opportunity to be mean.
So - what is he doing?
This is terrible, Gabby thinks, blank with pure panic, staring helplessly at Kent. He’s so handsome.
He’s looking back at her with questioning eyes, waiting for an answer. Gabby desperately wants to give him one. She wishes so much that she could talk to someone about any of this, and she really doesn’t want to blow her one opportunity to talk to Kent. But her shyness is overpowering even when she’s not talking to someone she has a years-long, raging crush on.
When it’s him? It’s impossible.
And the nerves aren’t the only thing getting in Gabby’s way. She can pretend to be something she’s not with everybody else, but for some reason, she just - really doesn’t want to, with Kent. Not with him.
Yeah, no. It’s not happening. Gabby knows without even opening her mouth that she won’t be able to get a word out.
So she just sort of shrugs at him again, lowering her gaze back to her desk. Kent pauses, then shakes his head, leans in closer to say something.
“Everyone take your seats,” the teacher at the front of the room calls out, working hard to be heard over the chattering students. “Hello, is anyone listening? I said seats. Assigned seats!”
Kent glances at the front of the classroom, gets up to go to his seat, and gently slaps Gabby’s shoulder.
“One day I’ll get you to talk to me, Soto,” he informs her, walking backwards towards his desk. “You wait and see!”
Gabby watches Kent go, the swift beating of her heart hammering in her ears.
You will, she answers silently, holding tight to her notebook. As soon as I can speak in my own voice, you will.
~~~~
Despite the fact that she has to do it all the time, Gabby doesn’t like to lie. She also doesn’t like to skip soccer practice. When she’s playing soccer, her small and delicate frame isn’t something people mock her for, because it turns her into a valuable teammate. Gives her an advantage in the form of speed and agility. Practice is the best part of her day, and normally she wouldn’t miss it.
But she decided that an exception was in order for today. Her mom texted her that it would be an unusually late night at work for herself and her father, so dinner was in the fridge.
Which means that the house will be empty for a long time. Gabby has it all to herself, and she can’t miss an opportunity like that. She faked a convincing, intense headache, and left school with three classes still left to go in the day.
She dropped the headache act as soon as she was off of school property. She couldn’t even pretend to feel down. She’s bubbling over with excited anticipation. She’s actually fighting the urge to run the rest of the way home, and she loses the battle against herself when she gets to her block. She races down the sidewalk to her tiny house, lets herself in, and locks it after herself.
“¿Hay alguien en casa?” she calls out, just in case.
No answer. The house is empty.
Gabby flies up the stairs, ditches her backpack at her bedroom door, and drops to her knees by her bed. It takes a few seconds of fumbling around in the dark - she keeps it crammed in the very back corner, hidden behind a box of old textbooks - but she finds what she’s looking for.
She lets out a happy breath, staring down at it. The texture of the fabric on her palms sends an instant, deep rush of happiness through her. She wants to put it on right away, but she closes her eyes, stops to take a breath.
Slow down. Enjoy this, while you can.
She leaves it on her bed and slips into the bathroom. She lets out a soft sigh of relief as she kicks her jeans away. Taking off the clothes she wears out in the world feels like setting down a burden that slowly sinks her all day long. Exhausting to carry. Walling her in.
She feels lighter already, more free.
She takes a long, slow shower, washes her hair.
When she’s done, she pads quietly into her parents' bedroom to get her mom’s makeup bag. After a moment of hesitation, she also takes a matching bracelet and necklace set from the jewelry drawer. Imitation gold, but they ripple softly when they’re in movement. Gabby has always admired them, even when she was really little. They glimmer beautifully in the farthest reaches of her memory.
She goes back to her room and stops before her bed, gazing down at what’s spread out there. She picks it up and slowly slips into it, lets the skirt spread out around her legs. She slips the bracelet and necklace on, then takes out her mom’s little rounded mirror so she can try with the makeup. She takes her time doing it, and her hair is dry by the time she’s finished.
She sets everything aside and shakes her hair out. Stops for a second. Takes a breath. Then she turns very slowly to face her own, much bigger mirror.
It’s a rainy, cloudy afternoon, and her bedroom is half-submerged in cool darkness. Gabby stands back from the mirror, shaded into obscurity by the dark, low light.
She lifts her hands, traces the outline of her own body out of the shadows. Then she steps forward, into the light.
She lets out a soft, blissful exhale when she sees herself. Without intending to, she lifts one hand and presses it flat to the glass, staring at her reflection.
She looks like a completely different person. She looks like herself.
Her hair is longer than anyone would guess from the little bun she keeps it in at school. It’s not exactly the mass of tumbling thigh-length locks she has in her dreams, but it falls to her shoulders in soft, shiny black waves, tousled from the shower. Her eyelashes are longer for the mascara, her lips the color of deep red velvet from the lipstick. The bracelet dangles from her slender wrist, glittering subtly.
And the dress.
Shoplifting isn’t worth it, scolds one of the posters in the department store. Gabby lets out a quiet laugh, thinking to herself that this dress is proof it isn’t true.
It’s a light, airy piece of pure beauty. Closely fit on top, gradually spreading into a loose, flowing skirt that reaches Gabby’s knees. The fabric is a snowy white, glowing against the warm coloring of her skin. At the hem of the skirt, there’s a painted, swirling pattern, the color of peaches and apricots and plums. The dress is like a winter cake, or like a flutter of sunset snow in movement.
Gabby does a little twirl, and the skirt swishes around her legs with a quiet whispering sound. She stops and stares at herself again, breathing deeply, smiling into her own eyes.
It used to be that every time she did something like this, she’d find herself blindsided by sudden, shattering storms of bewildered panic. It always ended with hot, stinging tears of shame and dismay running down her face. She always ended up secretly throwing away whatever she’d stolen to wear, then trying to pretend that it hadn’t happened at all. That even she hadn’t seen herself like that.
Not anymore. She’s still terrified, but now she’s unashamed. Now that she finally, really understands who she is, the sight of herself like this gently lifts her to a place of sublime peace. She could cry with relief every time she realizes she’s going to get the chance.
She looks intently into the reflection of her eyes, wondering if the name fits.
Gabby? she asks herself silently, and finds herself struck with a soft, subtle rush of answering bliss.
Gabby lets herself look for a long moment. Then she gives a little start, realizing all at once that she’s standing here wondering what Kent would think if he saw her like this.
A sharp blush rises in her cheeks, and she instinctively backs a few steps away from the mirror, wrapping her arms around herself protectively.
She retreats to her bed and sits down. Anxiously bites her lip, then curses softly when she realizes that messed up her lipstick.
Okay, noted, she tells herself, scooping up the little round mirror to fix it. Lipstick is really easy to get on your teeth.
She tries to focus on what she’s doing, but her thoughts drift right back to Kent. Her mind is still on the conversation they had earlier today. She’s still trying to piece together what that was, where it came from.
Her thoughts drift to the day of the school fair, back when she was a sophomore. It was a winter fair, that year. The school campus was blanketed in a brilliant, glittering fall of snow. There were Christmas-themed decorations. Hot chocolate, snowball fights, sleds.
Gabby’s roaming eyes had landed on Kent, who was at the top of the sledding hill. He was waiting his turn, seated on his sled, wearing a blue winter jacket. His girlfriend Julia was in front of him on the sled, placed between his knees. He had his arms wrapped around her, and he was leaning forward, intimately murmuring something into her ear that was making her laugh.
Gabby remembers gazing up at the two of them from afar. She couldn’t think why, at first. But eventually she found herself imagining what it would feel like to be in Julia’s place. To sit with a boy’s long legs pressed against her sides, his arms holding her tight, his chest to her back. She could close her eyes and picture it.
She could see herself leaning back to look up at him, and him leaning down to kiss a smile onto her face. Tickling her with his fuzzy hair. Squeezing her back against him, clasping her body close to his.
Gabby breathes out a soft sigh at the memory of the winter fair, then slowly lays back on her bed. She feels no resentment towards Julia. She can tell that Kent and Julia are happy together, and she’s not the kind of person who would do anything to mess that up. Even if she thought she could.
She likes Kent an almost painful amount, but she’s not deluding herself. The truth of the situation is brutally clear, in this case. For a whole lot of reasons, including the big one.
And yet… deep down, Gabby desperately wishes that Kent could see her like this. Even once. Even though the thought fills her with agonizing fear, bordering on panic - she wishes she could show him. Tell him.
I’m more than what I seem. We haven’t even really met yet. But I’ve been dying to meet you.
She closes her eyes, pulling herself back down to reality. Forces herself to stop thinking about the impossible. It’s not a good use of time, and she hates to waste time.
She gets up and goes to get her backpack so she can start on her homework. She’s always wild with excitement to get to dress the way she wants, even for a little bit, but the problem is that she can’t go anywhere or do anything. So she ends up stuck at home, kinda bored. Usually ends up doing schoolwork, or reading.
Still, this feels better, so much better, even when she’s bored. So long as she can feel like herself, everything is better. And she has a lot of work to do, anyways.
She’s planning to graduate early, and while she’s already got her college acceptances, she’s going to need a lot of scholarships. Her grades need to be immaculate. So she opens up her English textbook and gets down to work.
A wet, rainy evening slowly falls around her as she lays stretched out on her bed. The darkening sky gains a deep and bluish tint. Gabby’s mom loves incense, so the air in the house constantly holds the lingering scent of jasmine, ylang-ylang, champa. It drifts to Gabby as she works, along with the sounds of dusk. The soft patter of the raindrops, the scratching of her pen, and the faint squeak of the chains of the porch swing as the wind rocks it.
The silky fabric of the dress is smooth and cool against her. She moves around every now and then just to feel it, smiling to herself.
The feeling of peace transports her so completely that it’s nearly dark out when the doorbell rings.
Gabby looks up, caught by surprise. She slips out of bed, the paper she was working on still in one hand, and silently pads down the stairs.
She’s been feeling so relaxed and comfortable that she doesn’t realize what she’s doing until it’s too late.
But when she opens the door, a gust of rainy breeze ruffles the folds of her dress. An unfamiliar feeling. One that instantly puts the realization into Gabby’s mind with the force of a lightning strike.
Her heart comes to a dead stop, her eyes opening as wide as they go. Her breath freezes in her throat. Icy, terrible shock hits her so hard that her blood instantly runs cold.
She just opened the door as herself.
The terror that Gabby feels at the realization is like nothing she’s ever experienced before. It briefly whites out her vision. She gives a half-second’s consideration to slamming the door and fleeing back into the house, but the person standing on the porch has already looked up at her. He’s already looking right at her.
And - holy shit - it’s Kent.
He’s standing there with the hood of his jacket pulled up over his locs, his face and his glasses dusted with raindrops. His school bag is on his shoulder, his headphones looped around his neck, his cream-colored boots wet from walking through puddles.
He blinks down at her, startled, his warm, rum-colored eyes widening.
Gabby is frozen on the surface, but inside she’s shattered, barely breathing, distraught down to her very core. Struggling with all her might not to break down right there in front of him. She’s been so careful, for so long, and now…
She still hasn’t taken a breath. She can’t fucking believe this is happening.
Kent’s eyes flit very swiftly up and down her body, then stop on her face.
Gabby searches wildly for something to say, something, anything - but waves of despair and panic are choking her, and all she can do is stand perfectly still, staring at Kent. She feels like someone just pressed the breath out of her in one sharp movement, and at the same time tore away all of her defenses. She’s never in her life felt so completely exposed and vulnerable.
Kent is looking down at her with a strange expression on his face. His eyebrows are furrowed in confusion, his narrowed eyes searching hers.
“Um - hey,” he says, spreading one hand in a wave. “Sorry, I - I was expecting someone else.”
He mentions the name she’s decided she doesn’t want anymore, the one she’s thinking about replacing with Gabby. He asks if anyone by that name lives here.
Gabby nods slowly, now more bewildered than anything.
“Oh, good!” Kent gives her a bright, friendly smile. “I go to school with him. I’m Kent.”
Gabby stares up at him blankly, at a loss - then understands all at once.
Kent doesn’t recognize her.
He confirms this by adding - “You must be his sister or cousin or something, right? Man, the family resemblance is strong with the Sotos.”
Holy shit. He really doesn’t recognize her. Gabby can see it in his warm, sweet, confused eyes.
Gabby’s head is spinning, her body struggling to breathe. Jesus Christ, say something, you have to fucking say something, she thinks frantically - but she’s way too thrown off to answer Kent. Even though he waits for a few seconds, gives her time.
He shrugs slightly when she doesn’t answer. “Well, I won’t bother you for too long, I just swung by because Soto-”
Gabby doesn’t even hear the rest of his words. She’s struck with an instant, powerful explosion of distress. Kent can’t leave, no no no, this is a chance she’ll probably never get again - but no one else can see her like this, and here she is with the door open to the deepening twilight. Anyone walking down the sidewalk could catch a glimpse of her from here.
“-and just see if he’s okay,” Kent is saying, but he breaks off in surprise when Gabby seizes a handful of his jacket and gives it a hard tug.
“Sí, sí, come in!” She drags him stumbling into the house and swiftly shuts the door, then turns around and anxiously tucks a strand of hair behind her ear, scrambling for an explanation. “You - you don’t have to stay out in the cold and the rain…”
She trails off, realizing with horror that she just said something to him. She’s pretty sure there’s no doubt he’ll recognize her now, by her voice.
But then she remembers with a start that she’s never actually spoken out loud to Kent. All he’s ever heard is her quietly mumbling her way through presentations in class. Even the people in the front row have to lean forward to hear her small voice, and most of them don’t bother.
Gabby has been hanging her head, but now she looks up furtively - and still sees no hint of recognition in Kent’s eyes.
Actually… there’s something different about the way he’s looking at her, talking to her, even how he’s holding himself. It’s all in the subtleties, and Gabby can’t quite put a finger on the specific differences, but this is, just - not the same way he is with her at school.
He’s got that nervous tenseness to his shoulders that Gabby usually sees when guys her age are talking to girls. He’s holding the strap of his bag awkwardly, but he lets it go to run a hand over the back of his neck.
“Oh. Okay.” He smiles at her again, then holds out the papers in his other hand. “Anyways, like I was saying, Soto missed the second half of school today, so I brought his homework. Is he here?”
Gabby tries to pitch her timid voice up a little higher than it really is. “No, not right now.”
“Oh,” Kent says, and then, beneath his breath - “Fuck.”
Gabby blinks at Kent, caught by surprise at the way his face just fell. He looks genuinely disappointed.
“I can give him that stuff, though,” Gabby says slowly, looking up at Kent with curious eyes. She holds out her hand, accepts the papers from him. “Thanks for bringing it.”
“Sure.” Kent glances down at the papers Gabby was already holding, the English assignment she was working on. “Is that something he needs me to turn in for him tomorrow?”
He takes it before Gabby can stop him, runs his eyes over it.
“Is this poetry?” he asks, baffled. “But it’s got our class name at the top, like he was gonna turn it in. I’m pretty sure the assignment was to write a response to the assigned poetry, not to write our own.”
“Ah…” Gabby shrugs her shoulders nervously. “Yeah, this is his response. He wrote some, um - counter-poems. Wasn’t a fan of what got assigned.”
Kent looks up at Gabby, then breathes out a surprised laugh through his nose. He reads the first of the poems in silence, and Gabby watches him nervously, her heart racing.
“Oh, my god.” Kent breaks into a big grin as he finishes reading, then lets out a laugh. “I knew that the guy is secretly brilliant. Out here murdering some of the most famous poets of the past. Should’ve titled this counter-poem In Cold Blood.”
Gabby lets out a giggle of surprised, flattered laughter, then freezes.
Kent just looked up at her sharply, like that he recognized. But he has that confused expression on his face again, like he doesn’t know where to place that laugh in his memory. He’s struggling to recognize a person he knows. But clearly that’s not what he’s seeing, as he looks at her.
He gives himself a little shake, then hands back the counter-poems. “Looks like Soto wasn’t finished yet.”
Gabby takes the papers back, trying not to rock nervously on her feet. “No, not yet.”
Kent is staring straight at her, like he’s racking his brain for something.
“I’m sorry, have we met before?” he blurts out suddenly. “You look so famili-”
He stops, because Gabby is already shaking her head.
“No,” she says, a little breathlessly. “This - this is the first time.”
She feels like she needs something to follow that up with, so she gestures around at the house, the floor scattered with toys and crayons and Legos.
“Sorry it’s such a disaster in here, by the way. We have lots of little cousins in this family.”
“Oh, it’s all good,” Kent says brightly, smiling around at the mess. “I love kids. I hope my house looks just like this, one day.”
Gabby smiles up at him, resisting the urge to bite her lip and mess up her makeup again.
“Hey, um - you said Soto’s not here?” Kent asks abruptly, a troubled crease appearing between his eyebrows. “He’s sick, but he’s not at home…? It’s not serious, right? Like - he’s not at the hospital, is he?”
Gabby draws back in surprise, a burst of immense affection swaying her on the spot as she takes in the concerned look in his eyes.
“You’re already so suited to being a dad,” she informs Kent, without thinking. “Big worrier about improbable things, aren’t you?”
Kent looks taken aback, but he laughs, sheepishly shrugs his shoulders.
“He’s gonna be fine,” Gabby adds, realizing she didn’t answer his question.
Kent breaks into a relieved smile, pushes his glasses further up his nose. Gabby stares up at him, full of warm, bubbly surprise and bright confusion.
“That was nice of you, to bring his homework,” she goes on slowly, choosing every word with extreme care. “But he could’ve just gotten it tomorrow, right? You really didn’t have to do that. Walk all the way here, in the rain… do you two even know each other that well?”
“I mean - no, pretty much not at all. Had to get the address from the school directory, actually…” Kent’s smile falls again, and he lets out a heavy breath. “It’s just - sometimes at school, I see people giving him a hard time, because…”
Kent fades off, looking at Gabby searchingly. Sizing up how much she knows about what goes on at school. He doesn’t realize that she knows everything, because it happens to her.
Her own smile drops away, her heart sinking.
“Yeah, I know what you’re talking about,” she says quietly, lowering her gaze to the floor.
Kent nods slowly at her, then shrugs his shoulders.
“It’s not my business,” he answers, a protective tone coming into his voice. “But either way, seems to me like it would be a real shitty thing if he ends up going through high school with no friends just because he’s a little different. Kinda fucks me up to think about, if I’m being honest. I can tell he’s not gonna let it break his spirit, but… he shouldn’t have to put up with it in the first place.”
Kent stops, then adds, as an afterthought - “And I’ve always thought he seems like a sweet guy. Even after all the bullshit he’s been through, he still seems like that.”
Gabby slowly lifts her gaze back to Kent and stares at him, motionless, half in disbelief.
“I just want him to know he’s got people around who would be his friend, if he wanted that,” Kent goes on. “So I wanted to invite him to this, um-”
He slips something from his school bag and offers it to Gabby. A flyer for a student concert at a local coffee shop, with a few different bands and singers performing. The date is set for tonight, in about two hours.
“One of those bands had their singer tap out, due to mono-related reasons,” Kent explains, tapping one of the band names listed. “They asked me to fill in for a song or two, so I’ll be there. If Soto wants to hang, all he has to do is come, then stick around after the show, and I’ll find him. Can you tell him? Only if he’s up to it, obviously, not too sick. And no pressure, if he doesn’t want to. Just throwing it out there. But it would be really cool, if he did come.”
Gabby stares down at the flyer, struck speechless. A brilliant, silent sunburst in her chest has stolen her breath away.
She looks up at last, and finds Kent smiling down at her, fully unaware of the effect of his words.
“I’ll - I’ll tell him,” she answers, her words hoarse, slightly fragile.
Kent doesn’t notice the waver in her voice, thankfully.
“Really? Thank you.” He smiles down at her with his warm, friendly eyes. “Appreciate it.”
“You sing, Kent?” Gabby asks, losing the battle against her curiosity.
“Poorly, sure.” He cringes behind his glasses. “It’s - not gonna be good. I’m really just doing a favor for a friend. Think I’m the only one they could convince with this kind of notice.”
Gabby smiles up at him adoringly. “I bet you’re not giving yourself enough credit. Bet if they’re not careful you’ll run away with the whole show.”
Kent tips his head to the side, breathes out a soft laugh.
“You’re sweet just like Soto is, aren’t you?” he says. “Must be another thing that runs in the family. You’re all made of sugar.”
Gabby drops her head so that Kent doesn’t see the dark blush spiking through her cheeks. She feels like she’s going to melt into the floor, right in front of him.
“What was your name, by the way?” Kent asks. “I just realized I didn’t catch it.”
She hesitates, then says it all in a rush. “Gabby.”
Kent draws his head back, apparently taken by surprise.
“Gabby?” he repeats, an incredulous look rising on his face. “No way - really?”
Gabby nods, her racing heart stumbling. She doesn’t know what this reaction is, and she didn’t expect it.
Kent lets out a very quiet, wondering laugh, like he knows something she doesn’t know.
“Huh,” he murmurs, more to himself than to her, even though he’s still gazing into her eyes. “That’s funny.”
Gabby tilts her head to the side questioningly, and Kent gives himself a little shake.
“Well - please try to get him to come,” he says, hoisting the strap of his bag higher on his shoulder. “If he wants to.”
“Yeah, I - I will.”
“Great.” Kent nods gratefully, pulling his fallen hood back up over his hair. “Thanks for everything.”
Gabby nods back at him, unable to find any words. Kent gives her a sweet smile, turning to the door.
“It was really nice meeting you, Gabby,” he says over his shoulder, then lets himself out in the rain.
~~~~
Gabby hesitated so long that now she’s afraid she’s going to miss the show.
She had to wash off all the makeup, change back into her other clothes, hide everything away again. It took a while, especially because she stopped in front of the mirror to check herself at least three times. Making sure there was no hint left, no forgotten bracelet or remaining trace of lipstick. She tried a few times to get the blush off of her cheeks before she realized it was naturally-occurring, still leftover from Kent’s visit.
Even now, the cold, rainy night air is doing nothing to take the heat out of her face.
She knows what Kent doesn’t know. That the time for them to be friends has already run out. She’s going to graduate early, in just a few more weeks. She’ll be gone.
But no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t talk herself out of coming here.
She pauses nervously outside of the coffee shop, then quickly pushes open the door. Stops right inside to look around.
The shop looks like its own, intimate little world. It’s low-lit with a soft golden glow from the lamps and the strings of mini, electric lanterns, which flicker like candlelight. The soaked night is visible through every window, the glass spotted with rain.
The place is packed with students who came to watch the unofficial talent show, crowded on every couch and armchair, seated at every table. A bunch of people are standing, and a few more are sitting down on the floor in front of the band set-up.
But it’s quiet in here, aside from the music and the rainfall, and the occasional soft clinking sound of a drink being handed over the counter. Everyone is listening to the band. They’re performing a beautiful, folksy song. Full of acoustic guitar and a soft drumbeat, a warm, deep voice singing over them.
Gabby sticks close to the back wall. She has to inch her way along until she can see the performers.
Her heart skips over a few beats when she spots them. She goes very still.
She timed it just right, it turns out. Kent is the one on stage, the one singing. And Gabby was right. He wasn’t giving himself enough credit.
His rich voice weaves through every stroke of the drumsticks and thrum of the guitar in gentle harmony. It sounds unpracticed, but that adds something special. There’s something strangely moving about his sultry singing, the rough earnestness of it. It’s no wonder everyone in here is listening so closely.
He’s keeping his eyes shut tight, like he’s nervous, and gripping the mic stand tightly. But he sings on, with the rapt attention of the little crowd.
Gabby is startled out of a trance she didn’t know she was in when the song ends and everyone starts clapping. Kent smiles out at the crowd, then takes a second to adjust the mic.
“Okay, this is our last one,” he announces, as the guitarist tunes up behind him. “This is a new one. The guys only wrote it last week. I only learned it this morning, and Mr. Harrin kicked us out of the music room halfway through rehearsal, so. Don’t be mean if we fuck it up.”
There’s some scattered laughter, and then the crowd falls silent as the guitarist starts up with a slow melody, gently knocking his knuckles on the guitar between strokes. The drummer clicks his sticks together in tandem, setting up a slow, peaceful beat for Kent. He and the guitarist both begin to hum softly, together.
Kent takes a breath, then leans up to the mic, and begins to sing. It’s a song about missing someone, about loving someone, about a girl.
Kent sways very slightly from side to side as he sings, a slow, smooth, almost liquid movement. One hand wrapped around the mic stand and his eyes closed again, the dark sweep of his eyelashes kissing his cheekbones. One loc tumbling forward into his face, falling level with the corner of his eyebrow. The dim light, colored like a fireglow, moves softly over him.
Gabby stares at him, pressed back against the wall. Her hands are stuffed deep in the pockets of her jeans, curled into fists against the longing ache in her chest.
Kent’s magnetic, dream-like voice rolls slowly through the coffee shop. His face, with its dark and warm glow, his full and firm jawline in soft movement with each word. The luminous shimmer in his deep brown eyes when they slowly open to look out at the little crowd.
To Gabby’s captivated eyes, everything seems to fall away except for him. He stands in the dim light, in the soft magic of the hushed place, shining out like a flame in the darkness. His voice is slowly, subtly infusing itself into Gabby. She’s soaking it up like sunlight.
And then, all of a sudden, she becomes aware of what he’s singing.
Oh, Gabby, I’m sending a song
To say oh, Gabby, I hope it won’t be long…
Can’t think why you’d have gone away
But I’ll be right here, if you come back again someday
The ones who say
How could you wait, and wait…
They don’t know you so well
My girl, my love, my beautiful Gabrielle…
Gabby stares in stunned silence at Kent. She can’t move, can’t breathe.
Kent opens his soft, dark eyes again as the song goes to a part without singing. His gaze travels over the crowd, searching.
Gabby is hiding in the very back, making herself as small as possible in the shadows, but somehow Kent’s roaming eyes find hers. She sees him blink in surprise, then break into a small, infinitely warm smile.
He gives her a tiny nod from the stage, his fingers spreading around the mic stand in a little wave.
Gabby realizes that she’s staring at him with everything showing in her dilated eyes. Without meaning to, she’s been letting her deepest feelings shine out from her gaze, silently offering Kent her whole heart.
She’s very, very lucky for the shadows, for all the lights pointed at him that must be fuzzing his vision.
She can’t help herself. Can’t help the expression on her face. Her heart has sung its own song to Kent all this time, and now, out of nowhere, she feels like he’s singing back to her. He doesn’t know it, and she understands that. But somehow it doesn’t change anything. Every word he sings seems to echo right through her very soul.
This song in his voice has wrapped around her like a loving embrace. Like gentle hands reaching out of the darkness, strong arms enwrapping her and holding her close. Close, that’s what it is, she feels - close to someone.
She’s trembling inside. Secret little flames are running all over her, up and down her body, racing through every vein. Sending waves of goosebumps and burning electricity down her arms. Her glazed eyes are full of fire, a fire that runs up to them straight from her wildly-beating heart.
Gabby’s entire heart is straining towards Kent with all its might, and she can’t hide it. He’s going to see, if he keeps looking.
Kent closes his eyes to sing again. Gabby whips around and makes her way back to the door as quickly and quietly as she can without attracting attention. She slips out into the rainy night, starts walking very fast. Trying to get away before the tears start to spill from her eyes.
But soon enough she’s lost that fight, and she’s muffling quiet sobs behind her hands. Crying for no reason. Or - for every reason.
She sniffles and drags the sleeve of her hoodie over her cheek, keeping her head down as she walks.
She knows now where she heard the name Gabby, where it stuck in her memory. She thought she overheard the faint sound of music from one of the classrooms this morning, walking down the hall. It must have been Kent and the band, practicing that song.
It left an imprint on her. Subconsciously, without her even noticing.
She thinks of Kent’s eyes, how they lit up when he saw her in the back of the coffee shop. The glow that came over his face because she was there. And that was just him looking at her as a potential friend. That’s the kind of love he has to give.
She thinks of his voice, of that innate warmth within it that seems to whisper - you are safe here, safe with me. It was only in response to his voice that she could open her always-shut mouth and let out a giggle of her own, real laughter.
Her own voice has gone unheard by everyone, except for him. Her name, unused by anyone except for him. How many people have looked at her and never really seen her, besides him?
That one talk they had earlier. It was only five minutes, if even that. It’ll probably be gone from Kent’s memory by tomorrow. But it meant everything to Gabby. She feels the reverberations of it in the deepest, most hidden places within herself. Somehow, in some way, she knows they’re forever. Wherever she goes, she’ll be taking them with her.
A raw ache throbs in her heart as she thinks about Kent. The dream of him and her, of Kent and Gabby - it’s impossible.
But not the dream of Gabby, she thinks to herself. That’s not impossible.
Kent just made that so shiningly clear for her. He saw her as who she really is, and he looked at her with warm eyes. He said her name - sang her name - and melted her with it.
She closes her eyes as she walks, repeats to herself those two words she’s spoken silently over and over again. One day.
One day, someone is going to love her, body and soul. One day she will speak in her own voice, and she will make people listen to her. One day she’s going to walk with her head up.
She’s going to give everything she has to weave a warm, protective blanket for anyone else out there like her. She’s going to face the Trevors and Lennys of the world without flinching. She’s going to face the world as herself.
She’s determined, and she knows that she’s a force to be reckoned with when she’s determined. And Kent is right. She has so much to say.
Gabby has kept her head down all this time, but that does not mean she’s willing to accept permanent, unjust powerlessness. The opposite. She’s working against it all the time. Quietly, for now, and in a small, trembling voice. But one day…
One day.
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