Special Episode: Embers (Part II)
This episode is part of a larger story, Soft Touch. If you haven’t yet, you can go back and read it from the beginning right here.
The rain is falling softly, but the air feels very still.
Noah is only distantly, vaguely aware of his surroundings. The tapping sound of light little droplets is in his ears, along with the quiet scuffing of his combat boots on the wet sidewalk. He’s not really hearing it. He’s not hearing anything from the outside world. Not seeing anything, either, even though his eyes are open.
Ralph’s words are echoing through his head.
So many powerful emotions are rushing through Noah from second to second that he can’t keep up with them. His heart is burning so hot in his chest right now that he feels like something is trying to fuse itself back together in there.
Noah’s unfocused eyes catch on something familiar. He blinks, then stops walking, realizing he’s staring at Raj’s truck.
Noah is jolted back to the present all at once. He doesn’t know how long he spent walking in silence, lost in his thoughts. But it must have been a while, because he walked all the way back to his own house from Jamie and Aiden’s.
He blinks again as he realizes that Aiden is standing next to him. His jacket is dark with raindrops, his hair wet where it’s escaping his snapback. He looks down at Noah tentatively, but doesn’t say anything.
Noah stares up at him, then gives himself a shake. “What’s happening?”
“I’m not sure.” Aiden keeps his deep voice quiet, glancing at the dark windows of the house. Only one light is on, in Noah’s room. “Ralph left real fast, didn’t say anything to us. You came back inside like fifteen minutes later and said you wanted to walk home. And then you didn’t say anything else, until now.”
Noah stares at Aiden, incredulous. “You - walked all the way here with me?”
Aiden shrugs his wide shoulders. “Wasn’t doing anything else, anyways.”
Noah briefly lapses back into silence, his already overfull heart now trying to cope with an extra, gigantic dose of affection for Aiden.
“Thanks, man,” he says gruffly, having trouble looking at him. “I’ll - I’ll give you a ride home. Let me grab Raj’s keys.”
“Nah, don’t worry about that. I already texted Jamie that we were getting close, he’s gonna come pick me up.” Aiden stops for a moment, then nudges Noah’s shoulder with his own. “You okay?”
“Will be,” Noah hears himself answer.
Aiden glances sideways at the house. “You want me to hang with you for a bit? I can text Jamie, tell him-”
“No, it’s okay. I need…”
Noah trails off, but his fingers automatically went to his engagement ring. Aiden’s eyes drop to it, and he nods, understanding.
“Go ahead.” He gives Noah a gentle push in the direction of the house. “Jamie will be here in a minute, anyways.”
Noah shoots Aiden a grateful look, then sets off up the driveway for the house.
Stepping through the doorway into the place he and Raj built together, seeing Niki’s tiny socks on the couch, the flowers he gave Raj and Mel in their vases, breathing the familiar scent of woodworking oil that clings to Raj’s jacket on its hook…
It all falls over Noah and wraps around him like a soft, warm blanket. He takes a deep breath, one that fills his lungs all the way. He feels back inside of himself again.
He slips off his wet jacket and boots, then pads across the living room, heads up the stairs. He thinks he probably forgot the light on in his room, that Raj and Mel are asleep in theirs. But he’s navigating by his heart, just like he was when he walked home without realizing it. He goes right to his bedroom, for some reason, and - finds a sight that stops him still.
Raj is asleep on his side, facing the door. His dark curls, his cheek, his eyelashes are resting on Noah’s pillow. His legs are stretched out, but he has one arm protectively curled around Nikita, who is asleep beside him.
Her golden brown skin has a soft glow and her black hair is all messy, like Raj gave her a bath right before they got into Noah’s bed. Niki’s tiny hand is curled up by her cheek, her little onesie rumpled up from rolling around.
Both Raj and Niki have their mouths slightly open, matching expressions in their peaceful sleep.
Noah stares at Raj and Niki for a long, long time, then quietly turns off the lights. He pads over to the bed as quietly as possible, but Niki stirs as he gets closer. Her eyes blink open, then drowsily stop on Noah as he bends over her. He smiles down at her, gently scratches her stomach with his fingertip.
She giggles, then lets out a happy little squeak that instantly wakes up Raj.
His dark brown eyes flutter open. He rubs them sleepily, then freezes when he sees Noah standing there.
Noah carefully climbs up into the bed. He stretches out on his side, so that Niki is cuddled up with her head between his chest and Raj’s.
Raj looks at Noah with wide, searching eyes. Then he reaches over Niki and folds his hand around the back of Noah’s neck. Gently draws him in closer.
Raj and Noah put their foreheads together over Niki. Noah takes another real, deep, steadying breath.
“I’m sorry,” Raj whispers, his thumb slowly stroking the back of Noah’s neck. “I tried to wait up for you.”
“It’s okay.” Noah savors the warm, steady pressure of Raj’s calloused fingers. He wraps his own fingers around Raj’s wrist. “Where’s Mel?”
“You’re gonna laugh,” Raj answers quietly, “But she was too nervous waiting around. She went to go get you a pint of ice cream. She said that’s what she would want, if she was in your shoes.”
Noah lets out a soft laugh, just like Raj knew he would. Their faces are too close together for Noah to see Raj’s expression, but Noah can sense the relieved smile turning up Raj’s lips. He knows that Noah wouldn’t have laughed if he was coming home from the talk with Ralph completely crushed.
Raj draws back, looks deeply into Noah’s eyes for a moment. He seems to see that Noah is raw and ragged and reeling, but - not broken.
Raj lets out a long exhale, like he’s been holding his breath ever since Noah left to go see Ralph.
Niki paws at Noah, kicking her little legs. He lets go of Raj’s wrist and catches her tiny hand, presses a kiss onto it. She giggles again, batting at him. He gently turns her on her stomach, and her cheek smushes against the bed as she eagerly tries to prop herself up on her elbows.
Raj and Noah stare down at her with twin looks of love in their eyes before they turn back to each other. Raj instantly grows serious again, his rich brown eyes pooled with moonlight, searching Noah’s.
“Did he apologize?” Raj murmurs, very softly.
Noah rests his cheek on the pillow again, then nods silently.
Raj blinks at him. “And it - felt real?”
Noah gives him another slow but certain nod.
Raj takes it quietly, but Noah can almost see the thoughts swirling through his head, moving in the depths of his eyes.
“Did you forgive him?”
Noah hesitates for a few seconds over this one.
“I kind of didn’t say anything. He left it up to me to choose what to do, which is - just - so unlike the old him, I don’t even know what to fucking say.”
Raj shakes his head, then reaches out to spread a hand on Noah’s chest, right over his heart.
“Did you forgive him?” he repeats quietly.
“I…” Noah looks into Raj’s eyes, then hastily breaks his gaze away. Blinking very fast, his voice faltering. “I - I-”
“Oh, Nohea,” Raj says in a soft, pained voice, then pulls Noah in close again.
Noah curls himself closer around Niki, so he can hide his face in the nook of Raj’s neck. Raj folds one arm around him, leaving his other hand on Niki.
“It’s - complicated,” Noah stammers, struggling hard to keep ahead of the lump rising in his throat. “You don’t know the whole - our history is, like - it used to be - there was - stuff going on with him that I didn’t know about, and it’s no excuse, but he knew that, he said that-”
“Hey. Stop.” Raj’s arm tightens around Noah. “S’okay. You don’t have to explain right now.”
Noah stops, taking a shaky, grateful breath.
“I think it can only be a good thing for you, forgiving him,” Raj goes on, catching Noah by surprise. Noah draws back to stare at him, and Raj shrugs at him, completely serious. “The real question is… where do you want to go from here?”
“That’s the thing, I don’t know,” Noah answers hoarsely, pushing an anguished hand through his wet hair. “I - I do really miss him.”
Raj gazes at Noah without a word, watching him with warm, patient eyes. Waiting for him to catch his breath.
“But it’s not just my life I’d be bringing him into, if I chose that,” Noah forges on. “It’s ours. Mine, and yours, and Mel’s, and N-”
Niki interrupts by reaching out and batting at Noah’s hand. He looks down at her, extends a tattooed finger for her to grab onto. She does, then startles Noah by pulling hard on it. She takes a little, audible breath, like she’s sinking a lot of effort into something, then - uses her grasp on Noah’s finger to flip herself over onto her back.
Noah and Raj both freeze, staring at her.
“That’s new, princesse,” Noah manages, and Raj sputters out a dazed laugh.
Niki seems equally startled. She stares up at them with an expression of complete amazement and bafflement on her face, like she’s trying to work out what exactly she just did. Like she has absolutely no idea where she is anymore.
Noah shakes his head, dazed, then touches his knuckles to Niki’s tiny round cheek.
Something overwhelming fountains up in his heart. He looks up at Raj, his vision suddenly blurred with tears again.
“See what I mean?” he whispers, his voice trembling. He puts a protective arm around Nikita. “I'm not doing anything to risk this.” He touches Raj's cheek. “Or you. Or Mel. You guys come first, and if this would make you unhappy-”
Raj bites his lip. “Noah-”
“Raj,” Noah cuts in sharply, hoping Raj can hear the gravity in his voice. “I’m fucking serious. I’m not bringing anybody into this house or into my life who you wouldn’t be comfortable with me handing our baby to.”
“I know that,” Raj answers, instantly and earnestly. “Mel knows, too. We know that you would never do that. That’s why… we talked about it a little bit while you were talking to him, Noah, and - whatever you decide to do, we’re with you.”
Noah freezes, blinking hard at Raj. “What?”
“We trust your judgment.” Raj reaches out and tucks the escaped strand of hair from Noah’s bun behind his ear. “We understand how important he is to you. We want you to be happy, and if you believe that he’s honestly changed… which…?”
Raj looks at Noah, an important question in his eyes.
Noah nibbles his lip, then nods. “I think he had, like - some kind of serious breakthrough.”
Raj nods, too, more slowly.
“We want you to be happy, Noah,” he repeats.
Quietly, but in a voice filled with seriousness, with sincerity.
Noah shakes his head, his heart flooded with warmth all over again. “But I want you to be happy.”
“If you’re happy, then we are, too.”
There’s a silence. Noah almost hurts with how much what Raj is saying means to him. He closes his eyes, drops his head.
“Shit, man,” he rasps, in a weak voice. “I’m not used to people trusting me like that.”
Raj breaks into a small, warm smile. “Well, you’re gonna have to get used to it. We’re getting married, so.”
Noah opens his eyes, looks at Raj with pure, distilled, hundred-proof adoration in his heart.
They curl up a little closer together around Niki. Noah gives himself a minute to take a few long, deep breaths. The familiar scent of Raj warms him through and through. Like a woodshop, always, after he’s spent all day making beautiful things. Wood and beeswax and citrus oil.
Breathing that in, and feeling Nik’s breathing beneath his fingertips - Noah feels a sense of perfect safety and security. He shuts his eyes again, finally able to work through his thoughts at a pace that doesn’t trip him up and send him staggering.
“Raj,” he says, after a long moment. “If I do give Ralph a real, honest chance, I’m kind of asking you and Mel to give him that, too. You know that, right? Because - I know you’ve got your own opinions about him-”
“Namely, that the fackah is overdue for a licking,” Raj grumbles.
“No, see - that’s what I’m worried about.” Noah draws back, looks very seriously into Raj’s eyes. “Turns out Ralph is really, um - sensitive to feeling like he isn’t wanted. If I bring him around, I don’t want you guys acting cold to him ‘cause you’re mad on my behalf, or - because you feel like you have some obligation to me to do that. He’ll know, it - won’t be good for him.”
Raj’s expression is complicated. Torn. He looks like he understands, but also like he doesn’t want to. He wrinkles his nose, screws up his whole face.
“Ugh.”
“Honestly,” Noah tells Raj, suddenly speaking very fast. “If I give Ralph another start, you guys have to do it, too. Or this is never gonna work. So - do you think you can do that?”
He’s seriously asking. He would understand completely if Raj said no.
Raj lets out a heavy, agonized breath, but looks at Noah with eyes full of love.
“For you, man, I can do anything.”
Noah closes his eyes. Silently tips forward to put his forehead to Raj’s again. Niki has fallen back asleep between them, nestled in their shared warmth, her little fists curled up by her face.
“Do what your heart is telling you, Noah,” Raj says softly. “We trust you, so - trust yourself.”
Noah slowly turns to lay flat on his back, trying hard to listen to the whisperings of his heart. Raj watches him as he stares up at the ceiling.
Noah thinks about that elemental thing in his heart, the deeply-felt link that he always thought bound him, Aiden, and Ralph together. No matter the distance, time, or space.
Memories move through Noah’s mind.
He remembers Ralph and Aiden as teenagers, laughing, sitting together on the rock ledge. Ralph throwing an arm around Noah’s shoulders as he told him to swear his allegiance to the group.
Noah only got out one word, and he even said it wrong, and it was his own damn name - but that was enough for his brand-new brothers. He remembers Ralph’s sage-green eyes closed with his laughter, Aiden groaning but grinning, tousling Noah’s hair.
Noah remembers how he laughed, too. How it felt to be there between the two of them in that moment, after the lonely, miserable start he had to high school.
He finds it too painful to even try to look at that memory through the lens of goodbye.
He thinks about the expression in Ralph’s eyes when he said he was sorry tonight. The way his voice broke.
Noah closes his eyes, takes a deep inhale, and slowly breathes it out. Then he gets up out of the bed. Bends to press a kiss to Niki’s forehead, then to Raj’s.
“Good luck,” Raj says, gently squeezing Noah’s fingers.
Noah slips back downstairs as quietly as he can, trying to avoid waking Niki up again. He gets his boots and his jacket back on right as Mel steps in through the door, a brown paper grocery bag clasped in her arms.
She stops as soon as she sees him, her cheeks pink from the cold, her eyes wide with concern.
“Noah? How did it-?”
She breaks off as Noah gathers her up into his arms and kisses her deeply. She giggles a little against his mouth, the pink blush in her cheeks growing deeper.
“Where are you going?” she asks softly, as he takes the car key from her hand. “How was-?”
“I’ll tell you about it later, I promise. I’ve just gotta go - take care of something.”
Mel blinks in surprise. “Right now?”
“Yeah, or I’m not gonna be able to sleep tonight.”
Mel peers up into his eyes, touches her hand to his cheek. “Do you want me to go with you?”
“No, it’s okay. And I’m okay, honestly.” Noah kisses her again, then gently pushes her further into the house. “Take your heaven-sent self up to bed. I’ll be back soon.”
“Okay,” Melanie laughs, her arms tightening around the grocery bag.
Just like Raj, she looks beyond relieved to see Noah okay. He watches her as she crosses to the kitchen to put the ice cream away, her pretty red dress flowing around her.
Noah’s heartbeat is going wild with love. But he’ll have time to hold Melanie, to explain everything to her later.
Right now, there’s someone else he needs to talk to.
~~~~
Noah can’t fucking believe he’s willingly driving up to the house on Canyon Road. He waits for the first stirrings of panic to come, but - they don’t.
Because there’s nothing there that’s gonna hurt me, he realizes, his hand tightening on the wheel. Not anymore.
It’s getting late, but Noah knows that doesn’t matter. He’ll be up.
As soon as the house comes into view, Noah can see that he was right about that feeling.
Ralph is sitting alone on the porch step, slowly working on a cigarette. Staring out at the misty night landscape, the slow-falling rain.
He freezes when Noah whips the car around the curve of the road, pulls up to the driveway, and puts it in park. Ralph doesn’t know the car, and the windows are rolled up, so he can’t see in - but he must have recognized Noah’s driving style.
Somehow or other, he knows exactly who’s here. Noah can tell from the blank disbelief on his face.
Noah gets out of the car and stops right beside it. He and Ralph stare at each other from across the length of the long driveway, peering through the fluttering rain.
Noah lets his hair out from its bun as he sets off, the gravel crunching softly beneath his feet. He lets it tumble down around his face.
Ralph watches him, motionless, his eyes wide. He stays perfectly silent as Noah comes to a halt before him.
Noah looks down at Ralph, realizing that his eyes are an unusual color, lighter than their normal dark green. His eyelashes are wet.
Ralph sniffles, swipes his sleeve over his eyes. “Hey.”
“Hey.” Noah hesitates, glancing at the house. “You alone?”
Ralph nods, bites his lip, then says - “My girl was here, but she had to go home. She looks after her grandma.”
Noah’s eyebrows fly all the way up.
“Your girl,” he says slowly, caught by surprise. “Looks like I’m not the only one who’s been busy.”
Ralph blinks, then breathes out a short, quiet laugh.
“It’s brand new,” he murmurs, tossing a stray strand of rain-wet hair out of his eyes. “But it’s been - she’s…”
He trails off, and Noah stares at him, catching the thread of serious warmth in his voice.
“Wow.” Noah shakes his head in disbelief. “No bachelors left in the brotherhood, huh?”
Ralph kind of starts to laugh again, then stops abruptly. His face falls into a very serious, blank expression all at once. He stares up at Noah, blinking hard.
There’s a silence.
“The brotherhood?” Ralph repeats, his voice rasping.
Noah swallows. His anxious heart is jumping all over the place, but - the full force of all his willpower can’t convince him that this is the wrong choice. And those embers still glowing in his heart… the fuckers absolutely refuse to go out. They’re permanent, just like Noah always thought.
If anything, they’re starting to spark and smolder again. Noah feels it almost painfully as he looks down at Ralph sitting alone on the step.
“You said,” Noah manages, in a rough voice, “That you wished there was something you could do, to start with making things up to me.”
Ralph nods, gazing up at Noah uncertainly.
“Well, I’ve thought of something.”
Ralph draws back, blinking and startled. “You have?”
“Yeah. You can promise me that I won’t regret this.”
Ralph freezes.
“Regret what?” he asks hoarsely, after a moment.
Noah takes another deep breath, drawing on the strength of the bond he feels in his heart. There have been explosions and collapses, but it’s still there. Unmistakably, it’s still there.
Noah opens his eyes, looks down at Ralph again.
“You - you want to come to my wedding?” he rasps, forcing himself to look Ralph in the eye. “Because - it - it wouldn’t be the same, without both of my brothers there.”
Ralph stares up at him in complete, motionless silence. Doesn’t move or say a word for what feels to Noah like a fucking eternity.
Then he suddenly drops his blonde head, sniffling hard, pressing his sleeve beneath his eyes. His shoulders sag, and he looks about ready to collapse in on himself.
“Yeah,” he says, in a raw, fragile voice. “I - I’ll come. ‘Course I will.”
Noah can’t take Ralph’s voice sounding like this. He blinks rapidly, suddenly on the brink of tears again, himself.
He moves forward, drops down to sit next to Ralph on the step.
There’s another silence, but this one feels very different. Noah snags the forgotten cigarette from between Ralph’s fingers and puts it out before he can burn himself.
“Shit, man.” Ralph presses his palms over his eyes, his words ragged. He looks like he can barely hold himself upright. “What did I do to deserve a brother like you? Or Aiden? Seriously, I’ve been trying to think. Did I actually do something right, at some point? And if so, what the fuck was it?”
Noah twists to look at him, startled, then lets out a watery laugh. Ralph lets out a broken, quiet laugh, too. But he grows serious again almost instantly. Closes his eyes, turns away from Noah, and shakes his head.
“Noosh,” he says softly, his voice husky with tears. “Seriously, I - I won’t make you regret it. You gave me everything, once, and I won’t forget that.”
Noah closes his eyes.
It’s dawning on him that he already feels so much better. The past can't be undone, and the hurt places in his heart haven’t magically healed. But Noah has the raw materials of the precious thing that was broken. He wants so badly to rebuild it. To build it better, this time.
He can see now that Ralph desperately wants that, too, which means - there’s a real chance that they can. There’s hope. They don’t have to let each other go. Don’t have to say goodbye.
Just knowing that… it floods Noah with warm, immense relief.
He and Ralph have got a long way to go. But the embers of fraternal love in Noah’s heart are starting to burn like someone just breathed life back into them.
Because for the first time in forever, Ralph actually fed the fire.
Another tear rolls down Noah’s cheek when he finally looks at Ralph, but he finds himself breaking into a tiny smile.
Ralph blinks, then slowly, tentatively matches it. Noah sees it glowing deep in Ralph’s eyes, too. Genuine. Real. Warm. The way Ralph’s smile used to look, back when. Noah may as well be fourteen and sitting with Ralph on the rock ledge, looking at that expression on his face.
Yeah. This is the Ralph that Noah loved. He was still in there. Noah was never wrong about that.
Noah turns away hastily, but he’s still kinda smiling, himself. Just a little bit. Can’t help it.
Hope feels so damn good.
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