Golden Autumn - Part Fifteen
This episode is part of a larger story, Soft Touch. If you haven’t yet, you can go back and read it from the beginning right here.
The breeze ripples softly through the treetops. The sound it makes is like rain, falling deep in a forest.
The pine needles around us drip with collected fog. The petals of the little autumn wildflowers tremble beneath them, stirred by the wind. Every now and then the golden moon appears through the forest canopy, glitters beautifully, and slips back into hiding again.
The air is chilly, softened with mist. But with Aiden beside me I’m perfectly warm, feeling the cold only when the breeze brushes my face. Last year we left some space between us as we walked. This year I get to hold his hand, feel the gentle press of his fingers woven through mine. It makes it more difficult to walk through the unpredictable terrain of the forest, but it’s worth it.
With my eyes flitting between Aiden and the autumn wilderness around us, my mind drifts back to the ruby tree currently burrowing its roots deeper and deeper into our house. It’s a very young tree, but it’s already so strong, so solid. Strong enough to have defiantly withstood Aiden’s attempt to pull it right out of the floorboards when he thought the pot was the problem. He gave it his best effort, and it had no effect at all.
Something about the ruby tree… I feel like it’s built to last through the centuries. I feel like it will be there long after our house is gone.
I blink hard, drawn out of my thoughts by the slow, quiet murmur of Aiden’s voice.
“Guess what, Keane? I finished the Whitman book. His romantic poems.”
“Oh, yeah?” I flash him a quick smile, blinking back into the present. “Did you like it?”
“Mhm. I liked it a lot. I have some new favorite lines from reading it.”
“Like what?”
Aiden hesitates for a long moment, then answers quietly – “Loving lounger in my winding paths, it shall be you.”
My eyes blink quickly over to Aiden, a shy, startled smile coming over my face. He trailed off into silence after quoting that line, but I remember the one right after it.
Hands I have taken, face I have kissed, mortal I have ever touched, it shall be you.
A faint blush is coloring up Aiden’s cheeks. I can see it by the light moving slowly over his face. We’ve left behind the unintentional field of fireflies that he made, but a small cluster of them broke off to come with us. They hover around me and Aiden as we walk, so that he’s gilt-edged in the darkness, glowing softly here and there with their warmth. His eyes look like dark blue silk in the dim half-light.
He doesn’t say anything when I meet his gaze. But I can see the warm, intimate tenderness in his eyes, and I know he can see it reflected in mine.
We quickly glance away from each other, because now both of us are blushing.
“Funny thing, Keane,” Aiden laughs softly, shifting his snapback over his hair. “I seem to find you in every poetry book I read.”
I find you everywhere there’s sunlight, I nearly answer.
“You’re cute,” I tell him instead, trying to cover the tremble in my voice with a little laugh. “Like those 1.5-inch terracotta pots we get for the seedlings at the shop.”
Aiden lifts his eyebrows. “I’m like a 1.5-inch terracotta pot?”
“Only in that you’re both very cute, but yeah. You are.”
A quiet huff of laughter. “Alright. I’ll take that very strange compliment. I like it, in fact. I like it a lot. No one would give me that one but you.”
I bite down on my smile, glancing over my shoulder. “Think the others will come looking for us?”
“Pretty sure they’re all – busy,” Aiden says firmly, drawing a laugh from me. “Besides, you know how hard it is for anyone to find my Tree if they don’t know where it is.”
Yeah, I’ve learned that this particular piece of knowledge is nearly impossible to transmit. Aiden’s Guardian Tree isn’t actually too far from the Fling Thing field, but I’m certain that no one will find it besides us. I couldn’t find my way back alone until Aiden gave me the location, and that had to come wordlessly, through our connection. Even now, I couldn’t tell anyone how to get there. I couldn’t even make a map for myself. I just know where it is instinctively, the same way he does.
We reach a slender creek, shallow enough that frost patterns are forming in the chilly air. They melt and sizzle away as Aiden steps over them, turns around, and offers his hands to me. I reach out to take them, then gasp softly as he catches me by my waist instead, dramatically lifting me over the water to set me down on the other side. I swat his arm indignantly, and he lets out a snicker of laughter when he sees me blushing.
“You think you can get away with anything, just because of your Leon Kennedy biceps!” I tell him searingly, stabbing a finger at his face. “Don’t overestimate their influence, they won’t get you out of trouble every time!”
“No?” he asks thoughtfully. “Hm. Maybe if I had a pump on they’d be more effective. There something around here I can lift real quick? Guess there’s you.”
“I’m warning you, Callahan, if you pick me up one more time tonight I’m gonna buy fifty chickens!”
“Okay,” he says distractedly, smiling down at my blushing face. “Fifty, then. Whatever you want. We’re chicken guys now.”
“Stop – Aiden-” I struggle to get a breath, in physical pain from how sweetly he’s looking at me. “Don’t be stupid!”
“Did I say something stupid? I probably did. I was busy thinking about kissing you.”
“You’re trying to kill me,” I stammer weakly, the blush in my cheeks threatening to incinerate my freckles. “And you – you make me forget how to talk. Normally I can talk.”
I only get a huff of laughter in answer. That sweet, deep, rumbling sound makes my heart trip up even harder, and it takes me a minute to calm down. Aiden has this way of scattering my thoughts, making them flutter around my head like butterflies.
A breeze blows over us, making every leaf and pine needle shiver until they shed droplets of mist. Aiden and I weave around thick beds of wildflowers and clumps of berry bushes, the whisper of the creek growing fainter behind us. The spaces between the trees have grown narrower, so we fall into single file. He leads the way, reaching back to hold my hand.
“Can’t believe it’s our anniversary,” he says softly, giving me a warm smile over his shoulder. “Then again I still can’t believe you agreed to date me, so I guess that only makes sense. Spent most of my life thinking that was a deranged level of optimism for me to have. Mocked myself pretty brutally for even hoping.”
“Ridiculous.” I let out an adoring laugh, shaking my head at him. “I take back what I said earlier. Turns out you’re actually underestimating the influence of your biceps.”
Aiden makes a skeptical face at me. “That’s all it’s about, huh?”
“Maybe. No one would blame me.”
Aiden contemplates that for a moment before he answers.
“Hm. I was about to say that’s a good motivator to keep in mind, to help me not skip any gym days. Then I realized you’d use that as an opening to call me a gym bro again.” He widens his eyes at me in over-dramatized relief, a twinkle of laughter hidden in the depths of them. “Thank god I kept it to myself, huh? That was close.”
“Yeah, good thing you didn’t say it to me, I would’ve sank my teeth right into that,” I tell him very seriously, holding back my laughter with great difficulty. “You better think of something else to say to me instead, before I get suspicious.”
“You’re right. Let’s go with – you love me for more than just my biceps.”
“I love you for everything,” I answer without thinking, losing the battle against my laughter.
Aiden stops, gazing at me over his shoulder. He turns around to playfully cuff my chin, then brushes a kiss onto my lips, catching my hand again. Walking backwards, with an intimate smile on his face, he leads me out into the clearing.
And there it is, his Guardian Tree.
It rises up gracefully and beautifully, its riot of velvet-soft leaves silvered by the breezy moonlight. I’ve been back to the Tree so many times now, but it paints an ethereal picture so striking that it takes my breath away every time. The gentle hush of the grove, the one gorgeous, strange, otherworldly Tree growing at the very center… it fills me with a sense of deep awe and reverence. And at the same time, the warm feeling of seeing a very dear old friend.
The tiny malachite cutting in my necklace lets its leaves unfurl, as if to bask in something invisible flowing from Aiden’s Tree. I lift my eyes to Aiden, who kisses my hand and draws me closer.
It’s not why we came here, but I take a second to carefully run my eyes over the Tree once we reach it. I’ve been coming back to take care of it on a regular schedule. It seems to be making a full recovery from its brush with the choking vine, so now I just do little maintenance things for it. Cutting back approaching ivy, gently removing built-up soil in the root crown, leaving slow-release irrigators during long stretches without rain, treating the soil where the choking vine stole up all the nutrients.
“Looks better than I’ve ever seen it,” Aiden comments, watching me circle his Tree to examine it. “I think it’s happy to have you taking care of it. Just like all your other plants.”
I’m glad I’m on the far side of the Tree, so he doesn’t see how hard that made me smile. Then again, he might have heard it. I think I hear him let out a quiet, blissful sigh.
I slowly trail my fingertips down the silver bark of the Tree, then peek around it to watch Aiden shiver and touch a hand to the back of his neck. A little wave of color goes to his cheeks.
“This might sound weird,” I tell him, tilting my head back to gaze up at the leaves, “But I love your Guardian Tree. It’s so beautiful. It goes just right with you, if that makes any sense.”
Aiden doesn’t answer for a long moment, but that’s not unusual. I wait patiently, resting my admiring eyes on the vivid ocean of green above my head. My fingers go on unconsciously, tracing the natural flowing lines of the Tree, following the silver bark over its sides.
Aiden leans around the side of the Tree and rests his cheek against it. “You know I can feel that.”
I smile up at him, letting my fingers go still. “Are you asking me to stop?”
Aiden reaches out, pulls me around to his side of the Tree, and draws me into a deep kiss. I tangle myself happily into his arms, and we sink down together onto the leaf-blanketed forest floor.
Aiden eases me down until I’m flat on my back, then takes his time treating me to a slow, fiery kiss.
An extremely hot kiss – tender and loving, while also playfully dirty – from such an extremely hot guy is a thing that takes some time to recover from. When I finally pull myself together and open my eyes, it’s to find Aiden gazing down at me, framed on all sides with the leaves and stars overhead.
I’m powerfully reminded of our first visit to his Tree, except that this time our positions are reversed. Aiden propped up on his elbow, leaning over me. And this time, once the kiss breaks off, stupid laughter rises up quietly into the hushed clearing from both of us.
I cradle Aiden’s cheek in my hand, staring deeply into the smoking blue of his eyes. He sinks his fingers into my hair and toys with one red lock, smiling intimately down at me.
Man. I could melt. My eyes can’t get enough, not of any part of him. Everything about him has come to mean home to me over our year together, and I’ve never been as sharply aware of that as I am right now. The powerful, muscular body rising over me. His slow, soft-spoken speech, always so quiet. The depths of his blue eyes. The way he looks at me so innocently when I can tell he’s aching to laugh. His long, thoughtful silences. And when the silences are over, that voice.
The connection has melted open, without either of us really intending it. It opened through wherever we happen to be touching. I’m having to hold some emotion back so he doesn’t feel through our connection just how powerfully I’m loving him right now. I can sense little bursts of love from him escaping through. I catch my lip between my teeth in a breathless, shy smile.
Aiden blinks down at me, then silently murmurs – You know how much I wanted to just be able to look at you like this, when I was gone all that time? I thought about it so much.
Really?
Oh, yeah. I actually think Dublin was one of the hardest places for me to be. Purely because there were so many redheads walking around. Couldn’t help thinking of you. Aiden gently wraps his hands into my hair, smiling shyly. Although I swear no one else quite has your color.
I let out a soft laugh through the connection, one only Aiden can hear. It warms the smile in his eyes, makes it show even more.
Then again I thought of you all the time, he goes on slowly, softly. I’d wander into museums or galleries to get warm, and see the art they had up, and leave thinking of you nonstop. Tom Bianchi’s work comes to mind. And the more private work by George Platt Lynes. Like his male nudes.
The nudes, of course, I answer teasingly, trying to act like I’m totally calm in the face of all this information.
Not just the nudes, no, Aiden answers, with complete seriousness. He had one piece called Petunia that reminded me of how you used to look out of the window in class when you were mad, after I was mean to you. I don’t like seeing you mad, especially not on account of something I did, but – it does make your eyes all pretty and fiery.
Blushing, bewildered, flustered mess that I am, I sink some hard effort into preventing any of that from slipping through the connection and into Aiden’s awareness. Then I reach up to trace the line of his jaw with my fingertips.
I love hearing about where you went. What you were doing, and what you saw. Makes it easier to picture you out there.
Aiden pauses, apparently surprised. Do you... do that a lot?
I… yeah, I admit, gazing up into his soft, melting eyes. Sometimes when I’m gardening or working at the shop I just start trying to imagine you in the places you’ve told me about. Is that weird? It’s not on purpose. I just – love you. More than I even want to tell you about.
Aiden blushes, and a rush of white-hot love spills into me through our connection before he can stop it. The invisible links that hold me to him glow with the heat of it. I feel it track radiant pathways through my body, and an answering burst of love goes from me to him, surging back in a blazing wave.
Mmm… Jamie, Aiden sighs, his handsome voice growing soft and rough. His eyes flutter closed, and he presses his forehead against mine. Do you feel that too?
The way something flashes in my heart when I look at him, blazing a brilliant trail across my soul? I assume that’s what he means.
I nod silently, and feel Aiden fight to hold his answering emotions back from the connection.
Do you understand it? I ask softly, gazing up at him with curiosity and love. Because I don’t.
No, but maybe that’s okay, he murmurs. Understanding it isn’t the most important thing to me. The most important thing is that you feel it, too.
He places a kiss on the side of my neck, then draws back to look down at me again. His voice falls to a whisper, and nervously slows all the way down.
There’s a reason why I still haven’t told you why I left town. There was no explanation I could give you that wouldn’t sound completely fucking crazy, or that you could understand, unless… He touches his fingertips to my chest, over my heart, and presses softly against my flannel. Unless you felt this, too. You have to remember that I felt it the whole time, from the first moment we really talked. And I had an inkling from the moment I laid eyes on you.
I’m staring up at Aiden with perfectly round eyes, frozen with my hands spread on his powerful shoulders. I think he’s finally about to tell me why he disappeared for eight years, and I’m afraid to say anything that might stop him. I’ve wondered for so long. I know he was looking for the first Guardian Tree, but he’s never explained what he wanted with it.
I couldn’t tell you until we could talk like this, in this – language, he goes on softly, speaking more and more slowly with each word. Because otherwise it would make no sense to you that I would leave town, and go searching for the original Guardian Tree for eight years, all because... because I thought that if I found it, I might have a chance with you. I did it because I wanted us to be together, and I thought that was the only way.
A powerful, physical shock goes through my body. I blink hard and fast at Aiden, then sit up sharply, easing him back. The connection slips closed, but that’s maybe for the best. I’m overwhelmed by my own emotions right now, and I don’t want to go spilling them all into Aiden.
“What are you – what?” I stammer, feeling helpless. “No, you – what the hell are you talking about? I don’t – fucking what?”
“I know.” Aiden blows out a heavy breath, running a hand over his blushing face. “You know without me telling you that nothing came of it. I know now what a big mistake it was, okay? Once you hear me out you’re going to think I was being so stupid. I already know that I was. You might even be mad at me, and I get that.”
He pauses, glances searchingly at me. I just stare at him in wide-eyed silence until he keeps going.
“I believed different things back then, Jamie,” he forges on desperately. “And I made some really bad decisions based on that. My mom told me there was no such thing as love and happiness for Guardians. I thought that no one would really love me once they understood what I am, and no one would want a life with me when this is my life, and if someone did, eventually my magic would corrupt them until they only wanted to use me…”
“Aiden,” I breathe dazedly, closing my eyes in disbelief. “I will never be able to understand how you could believe that about yourself…”
He has all the signs of being perfectly made for love. He is rich with love potential, at least to my eyes. I could see that before I even loved him, myself. I could see that when I fucking hated him.
“But I did believe it,” he says earnestly. “You have to remember my mom told me that stuff all the time, and that I actually saw some form of it happen to her, because of my fuckface deadbeat dad. And the only one telling me another way was possible was my aunt. Who I didn’t listen to, because I thought she’d say anything to try and make me happy, and besides, she wasn’t a Guardian. My mom was the only other Guardian I knew, and she was also my mom, so – I trusted what she said about it. I thought it was the cold hard truth. A fact, like, the only possibility. Nothing was gonna shake me from believing that. That’s why I was hell-bent against falling for anyone.”
He pauses for a long moment, then leans in to briefly rest his temple against mine.
“Then I met you, Linden. And everything I thought was inevitable and set in stone – you pulled it all up by the roots. All of a sudden I didn’t know what the fuck to think anymore. Nothing my mom ever said could keep our music quiet, and I was hearing it.”
I just stare at Aiden, my fingers wrapped tight around the malachite necklace, my eyes as wide as they go. Aiden loops his arms around his knees, tilts his head back, and sits very still, like he’s searching the canopy of his Tree for answers.
“So, you know, I just tried to push you as far away as possible. But I realized that was a mistake, and that I – I was never gonna be able to keep myself away from you. Wasn’t just that I didn’t want to, I honestly couldn’t take it. That shit was unbearable.” He lowers his gaze to mine again, gently touches his thumb to my chin. “You know it was killing me to be so mean to you, baby.”
I blush wildly, dazedly put my fingertips to my jaw, then freeze again when Aiden goes on -
“So I started trying to think of ideas. And I figured… if Jamie can’t love me as a Guardian, and we could never be happy together while I’m a Guardian, then I’ll just have to be – not a Guardian. Anymore.”
A long moment passes, suspended in silence.
“What…?” My eyes are blurring, so I quickly swipe my sleeve over them, shaking my head at Aiden. “You don’t mean… no, you – you weren’t… you wouldn’t...”
“Yeah, Jamie, I would,” he interrupts softly. “I went looking for the first Guardian Tree because I thought that if I asked, it would release me from my covenant.”
I can only sit there in stunned silence, taking slow, ragged breaths. I’m so deeply shocked that I can’t find a word to say. All the implications are spilling down over my head faster than I can keep up.
“I had already given some thought to the idea of running away from Ketterbridge, back when I was little,” Aiden forges on, like he knows if he stops talking he won’t be able to start again. “I changed my mind after I met Ralph, but I still had the money I’d saved up. Once I got the idea to find the first Tree, I started saving up more. So it was doable. I didn’t think for a minute that I was gonna be gone for that long, though. I just wanted to find the Tree and let it know that it chose wrong, choosing me to be a Guardian. I thought, once it sensed how unhappy I was… it would let me go. Choose someone better.”
“But Aiden, you – your magic, your covenant, your… your Guardianship,” I stammer, not totally aware of what I’m saying. “You would have lost all of it...”
Aiden breathes out a soft laugh. “Shit, Jamie, I was more than willing to give up my powers if you were on the other end of the bargain. I’d have given up more than that. I was ready to do whatever it took. Besides, I – I thought it was the answer to all of my problems.”
He pushes a hand through his chestnut hair, wincing at me.
“I hated being a Guardian anyways. I know I started way too young, but that didn’t change the fact that I was fucking horrible at it, losing people all the time. I hated looking around every day and thinking, if I fuck up, any of these people could die, and it would be because I didn’t save them. Hated having all those people on my conscience, all that goddamn noise in my head. I thought that once I was free I wouldn’t be so miserable and angry all the time, so I’d be way better at getting along with people. And I wouldn’t need to drink so much to keep the noise down, so I’d get sober super easily. I’d be normal, just like everyone else. It would fix a bunch of stuff that was wrong with me, a bunch of stuff making me not good enough for you.”
“Aiden,” I rasp hoarsely, then trail off into helpless silence.
“Then I could come back, try to start over with you,” he murmurs earnestly, touching his knuckles to my cheek. “Without things having to be so – complicated. I thought you’d never even have to know what I had been before. And all I had to do was find the original Guardian Tree.”
My heart is breaking at the mere thought of this, how far he went to change everything about himself before he thought he could come to me…
“No, hold on… You seriously checked everywhere looking for that Tree, for this?”
“Had to check everywhere.” Aiden falls silent for a moment, trying to think how to explain. “You remember the dream I showed you, right? The one with the Fate who came down to Earth and decided to stay? The Fate who became the first Tree when she died, and chose the first Guardian.”
I nod slowly. “Yeah…?”
“Do you remember everything about that dream?”
“Yeah, of course.”
“What about what the landscape looked like, or the houses, or the people? The clothes they were wearing? The language they spoke? The town they lived in?” Aiden gives me a second to think, then goes on - “Can you tell me if it happened in the 1700s, or the 1300s, or – I don’t know, the Bronze Age? Any details at all that might give me a hint about where it happened?”
Strangely… no. I never realized until this moment.
I shake my head at Aiden, taken aback. “It’s like I remember what happened, but not those parts.”
“Right, because it’s a dream. You don’t get to keep the details when you come out of it. Meant I had to look everywhere, because I had no idea where to start.”
I let out a disbelieving, breathless little sound. “Aiden, no, you’ve got to be kidding me, that – that sounds fucking impossible...”
“I know, but it was for you,” he says simply, then breathes out a long, heavy sigh. “I was sure that if it was for you, I could do anything, even things that should be impossible. But I couldn’t fucking find the Tree anywhere. I was so sure that my magic would sense what I wanted, that if I came close enough I’d be led right to it. I went everywhere I could get to, waiting for that moment. And it just… never came. It was all for nothing.”
He gives me a small, sad, ironic smile, then adds - “Guess fate had other plans.”
I sit perfectly motionless, staring at Aiden, struggling to breathe through the painful uproar in my heart. A mixture of extreme dismay, blank shock, and deep, wild love is making it overflow, making my cheeks blaze and my eyes well up.
“Oh, Aiden…” I bow my head, my voice falling to a trembling whisper. “I’m so glad you didn’t find it… thank god, thank god you never found it…”
“You know, I can’t fucking believe I’m saying this,” he answers, very slowly, “And – maybe it only really sank in right now? But… these days… I’m glad I didn’t find it, too. I don’t regret that, not anymore.”
I lift my head sharply, staring hard at Aiden.
“My only regret is that I ever left you in the first place.” He cradles my cheek softly in his hand, his beautiful blue eyes gazing deep into mine. “I’m so sorry. I just loved you so much. I wanted you to love me, too. I thought it was the only way.”
Again, I can’t find a word to say in answer. Aiden waits for a while, then leans in close to brush a kiss onto my mouth.
“I’m glad that wasn’t true,” he murmurs softly. “Luckiest guy in the world that you’re the forgiving type. Legendarily so.”
Another rush of pure, fiery love adds itself to all the everything going on in my heart. It’s officially too much. I let out an agonized groan, then fling myself headlong into Aiden’s arms.
I caught him completely by surprise, so I knock him flat onto his back beneath his Tree. He lets out a startled oof, his arms flying up to catch me and steady me out.
I thought he had been wrong when he said I might be mad at him, but he wasn’t, and I am. I’m furious.
“How could you, Aiden? How could you try to – and for me! If it was purely for yourself that would be one thing, but for me-”
“For us!” Aiden cuts in pleadingly, catching my hand as I try to smack him. “How was I supposed to know that you’d be willing to put up with everything that comes with loving a Guardian?”
“Put up with?” I ask, beyond indignant. “What the hell are you even talking about?”
Aiden widens his eyes at me in disbelief.
“Jamie, in the last year alone you’ve had your memory wiped by a witch, had to abandon your car and destroy your hands to save me and my Tree, dislocated your shoulder catching me when I fell off a cliff, jumped into a river mid-storm to help me save Gabby, bit your knuckles hard enough to break skin when I walked into a fire, came seconds away from witnessing a fatal car crash, accidentally traveled through time, came dangerously close to being arrested so many times that I’m honestly starting to lose track-”
“I don’t care, I don’t care!” I shout in his face, holding two tight fistfuls of his henley. “It’s part of who you are, and I love it! I can’t believe you almost – why, why would you ever think I wanted-?”
I break off as it strikes me once again that he was ready to give it all up for me. He shouldn’t have, and I would never want him to, but that was why. All that planning, all that saving up, all that traveling, everything he gave up for eight years, including just having a roof over his head… all because he thought it was the way for us to have a chance at being together.
It didn’t sink in until now. My overwhelmed heart nearly stops beating as I struggle to wrap my head around it.
“I know you’re mad,” Aiden begins anxiously, “But I just-”
“Oh, god,” I moan softly, smitten right to my soul with the cascade of blazing love rushing up in me. I press my temple against his, a tortured whimper escaping my lips. “Oh, god, Aiden…”
Aiden goes very still, then softly slips his arm around my waist, drawing me closer to him. I bury my face against his neck and my body into his strong, warm arms, then just breathe him in, unwilling to move for the rest of my life. I don’t have the power to go anywhere.
I see now why he waited so long to tell me the truth about this. It would have been impossible for me to grasp before I understood what he felt between us, what he’d sensed from the start. And now I do understand. I’ve felt it myself, for a long time now.
Temporarily losing my memory made me even more sure of it. When I met Aiden again, this time without him trying to throw me off and push me away… I was powerfully drawn to him, right from the start. I never doubted it for a moment when he told me we were together, and I had nothing to go on. Less than nothing, not a single memory to turn to for answers. I wanted him with an intensity that startled me. I slept with him, even! And I had no proof of who he was, no idea what was going on…
He just opened some secret door to my heart so effortlessly, so naturally. Like it was made just for him.
Aiden already knew that feeling when we were kids in high school, and on top of that – he could hear us.
I understand completely why he did what he did. In his shoes I can’t say I wouldn’t have done the same. Still, the thought that he honestly believed he had to take away this part of himself, to ever be lovable to my eyes… It makes me ache with how wrong, how completely backwards it all is. I hate that he ever felt that way for one minute, much less eight years.
“Are you okay?” he murmurs softly, his deep voice growing increasingly anxious and shamefaced. “Look, I know how weird it sounds for me to do something like that after like one single real conversation with you, and I – I get it if you feel weird about it. Really, I do. Maybe I shouldn’t have sprung this on you on our anniversary, but it f-felt like the right time…”
His words are picking up speed, and losing calm at the same rate.
“You just – if you could hear us, if you knew how I feel, you would understand so fast, it would make perfect sense to you, I s-swear… are you going to say something, or is-?”
Aiden breaks off with a soft gasp as I let the connection open. I only leave it that way for a few seconds, so I don’t overwhelm him with the love blazing in me, but I can tell he got the picture. His arms tighten around me, his breath picking up.
“Holy shit,” he murmurs dreamily, after a long, silent moment.
He sounds infinitely relieved, and also somewhat dazzled. I let out a dazed laugh, laying still in the strong embrace of his arms. He laughs too, stroking my hair.
“So – are you upset with me?” he asks gingerly.
“Yes. No. I don’t know. I love you.” I nuzzle my face deeper into his neck, breathing in vetiver. “I just wish you didn’t think you had to change yourself to be with me. I mean, the drinking and the mean stuff you used to say, that’s one thing, but – stuff that’s natural to you, and part of who you are… I would never ask you to change any of that. Especially not this. I love that you’re a Guardian. I wish you could see…”
I trail off into silence as a thought strikes me.
“Aiden.”
He still sounds dazed from the flash of love I poured into him. “Mmm?”
“I thought of something I want for our anniversary.”
There’s a slight pause.
“What – now?” Aiden asks, as I draw myself off of him and up onto my knees. He sits up, too, staring at me in surprise. “But I already got you something else. And this is kind of late notice, don’t you think, Keane? What shops are even gonna be open at this hour? I probably won’t be able to get my hands on the thing you want until tomorrow. Unless you’re about to say that what you want is wonton bites.”
“No. Nothing like that. I want you to let me see you with my true sight again.”
Aiden freezes, blinking hard.
“Aw, c’mon, Jamie,” he murmurs anxiously, fidgeting with a strand of chestnut. “Don’t… you know it makes me nervous. I don’t get to see what you’re seeing. Would you feel comfy, having someone look at you with true sight? I mean. Maybe you would. You’re an angel. There’s nothing bad to see.”
“Stop it,” I laugh, then fix him with pleading eyes. “I just want to see you that way one more time. I barely got to look when I saw you with true sight before. Please, Aiden, please… I know you remember how to do it. And I promise you wouldn’t mind, if you could see yourself that way. You’d be happy to let me look, if you knew.”
“Don’t look at me like that,” Aiden groans, tilting his head back and placing his palm on my face. “Get those huge puppy dog eyes the fuck off of me, I’m not…”
He trails off, having stolen a peek at my face. He can see just how badly I want this. He heaves out a deep, defeated sigh, then admonishingly tugs on a strand of my hair.
“Goddamn you, Keane. Fine.” He takes a big breath, pushes back his sleeves, and reaches out to softly touch my temple. “But just for a minute. One minute, alright? And then I don’t want to hear you ask again.”
I beam eagerly at him, trying to hold still. The connection slips open, and icy blue light swirls in Aiden’s eyes. I close my own as a golden glow begins to emit from his fingers, which are still pressed to my temple.
I draw a long, trembling breath when I open my eyes again, and they fall on Aiden. I knew what to expect from last time, but I’m awestruck all over again.
He glows beautifully golden all over, his velvet-soft skin haloed with the radiant light it gives off. His eyes are two pools of pure golden light, which kisses his eyelashes and illuminates them, too. There’s that smattering of raw stardust across his nose and cheeks, all the different kinds of light captured in tiny pieces. His head is crowned with the slender golden diadem of living lightning. It sparks and crackles in the tumble of his chestnut hair. The heat of him sweeps across my cheeks, melts over my body.
And there, sweeping up his forearms to disappear into his rolled-back sleeves, is the golden constellation of symbols set into his shining bronze skin. His covenant.
I can’t see where the symbols end, or how much of his body they cover. I think they might be everywhere. They grow thicker at his wrists, forming a graceful band of near-solid gold around each of them.
I guess they could look like cuffs, shackling Aiden to his covenant. But to me they seem more like bracers, like armor. They look like they were hand-crafted just for Aiden. By someone who loves him, based on how immaculate and gorgeous and perfectly fitted to him their intricate design is.
Everything about the covenant is strikingly beautiful, and – just as I remembered, the interlocking golden symbols don’t sit on top of Aiden’s skin, like something separate from him. They’re part of him, inextricably woven into him.
“Oh m-my god,” I stammer, my voice coming out as a hoarse whisper, my eyes roving all over him. “Aiden, I – I can’t believe what you almost gave up…”
He breathes out a soft, nervous laugh, turning his face away as he feels my eyes lingering on it.
“Well, now I feel twice as bad about what happened with Ralph,” his deep voice murmurs. “You know what he shouted in my face, right before he tried to punch me when I left? You’re making a huge mistake, and I’m not gonna let you. I know he said it for his own reasons, he didn’t even know why I was leaving, but I guess…”
“He was right,” I finish softly. “This is all part of you, it’s...”
I trail off into silence, humming all over with a kind of rapture the longer I go on gazing at Aiden with my true sight. Radiant heat is flooding through my body, making me tremble. The light in his golden eyes would make real, rich sunshine look like a pale imitation, just like their usual blue outdoes the sea. The iridescent shimmer of his eyes, the gold inlaid into his skin and radiating out from it, encircling his head in diadem form… all of it glows like the fires of creation. Light within more light, brilliant and inextinguishable.
Aiden steals a swift glance at me, nervously rubbing his wrist through the golden bracer he can’t see there. The stardust sprinkled on his nose and cheeks glimmers in the glow he’s putting off.
The sight of him like this puts fierce, quivering flames into my heart. I can only stare in enraptured adoration, in an anguish of love, my heart pounding against my ribs like the bass beat in one of the songs Noah likes. My body is burning with an intensity of devotion I’ve never reached before.
I’m aware that my eyes are starting to smart and tear up, but my love is flooding over everything, making things like that seem unimportant. I’m also dimly aware that Aiden suddenly looks worried, that he’s asking me something. But I don’t hear anything he says. I’m fighting to keep my burning eyes open, drinking in the view of my Guardian that I so rarely get to see, a sight so beautiful that it hurts to look at, that I’m rocked by it, and my thoughts are starting to melt away…
The blazing fire overwhelming me softly subsides, like an ocean growing calm. I slowly open my eyes, and find myself gazing up into Aiden’s. They’re two gentle blue suns again, and he’s simply my Aiden again. His arms are wrapped around me. I don’t remember collapsing into them, and I’m not sure how long I’ve been laying motionless in them.
He looks a little anxious, but there’s a breathless smile playing around his mouth.
“Hi,” he murmurs nervously, smoothing a strand of hair out of my eyes. “What happened? Seemed like you were going to pass out or something, but your note sounded real nice, so I’m not sure what… are you okay? Do you need your inhaler? Because I brought-”
He breaks off as I let out a dazed, weak, wondering laugh.
“You’re s-so beautiful,” I gasp-laugh, feeling crazed with love, still struggling to catch my breath.
Aiden blinks hard, drawing back. His cheeks turn a violent shade of crimson, and he lets out a sudden groan, flattens me to the ground.
“Stop it, Keane! You’re trying to kill me!”
“Me?” I stammer, wrapping my arms around him. “I’m the one trying to kill you? After the information you dropped on me tonight? Let me see you again. I don’t care if it hurts my eyes.”
He lifts his head in alarm. “Wh-? It hurts your eyes?”
“Aiden, just let me-”
“No, are you fucking joking? Especially not if it hurts your eyes, and nearly knocked you out! Means you’re probably not supposed to see me like that! There’s a reason people aren’t born with true sight!” He kisses my forehead, then points a finger at my face, his voice growing decidedly firm. “Never again, not in this lifetime, you hear me? Say you hear me!”
“Okay,” I answer meekly, smiling adoringly up into his face.
Fine, then. I got the good long look that I wanted, and I won’t forget what I’ve seen. It’s emblazoned across my heart and mind, etched in permanent gold.
Still reeling, I fumble for his wrist, then clutch it tightly. “Don’t break your covenant. Please. It would be a gigantic mistake. I feel it. I know it.”
“I can’t now,” he laughs softly, startled. “I never found the Tree, remember?”
“Good,” I mumble happily, tucking my face into the curve of his neck. “Because you’re perfect.”
Aiden holds very still, then slowly lifts his hand and sinks his fingertips into my hair.
“Never would’ve left, if I’d known things could be like this,” he murmurs, very quietly.
We sit still for a long time, holding each other tight beneath the whispering canopy of his Guardian Tree.
I could sit here with him forever, just savoring the warmth of his powerful arms, the scent of his skin, the feeling of his fingers in my hair. But a distant sound reaches us, the crunch of autumn leaves clumsily being stepped on. Far-off, drunken voices, tangled up together. I can hear Alix and Melanie talking to each other, and Kent, speaking much louder.
“-which way we’re even going anymore,” he’s saying doubtfully. “Are we lost?”
“This is definitely the direction they went,” comes Noah’s voice, and then, at double the volume – “Hey AIDEN! JAMIE! Where’d you guys go? Don’t want to miss the truck home, do you?”
Aiden and I look sharply at each other. We both scramble to our feet, Aiden snatching up his snapback. I start towards the edge of the clearing, then stop in surprise when Aiden catches my arm. I meet his eyes inquiringly, confused.
He bites his lip, takes a second to think, then cups one hand around his mouth.
“We’re over here!” he calls back. “Follow my voice!”
My eyes open very wide, but Noah is already shouting back that they’re coming. I can hear other voices now, too – Calla and Ralph, Ripley and Raj arguing, Gabby saying something to Roger that’s making him laugh. It’s everyone from our group who was still at the Fling Thing, and Aiden just told them where we are.
Will comes out of the forest, slowing down to a trot like he just raced out ahead of the others.
“Aiden, are you quite sure?” he calls, with a glance at the Tree. “Our whole party is making an approach. All the ladies, all their menfolk. They’ll see...”
I repeat the question to Aiden, who nods nervously. “I know. It’s okay.”
I half expect him to change his mind, grab my hand and pull me out of the clearing before they can all reach us. But he stands tall in front of his Tree, holding my fingers tightly, and doesn’t move when Ralph and Noah step out into the clearing.
Both of them freeze, staring at Aiden’s Tree in stunned silence. Noah automatically seizes Ralph’s arm, but otherwise neither of them moves until the others all come stumbling out to join them.
“Hey, you two,” Mel giggles drunkenly, raising one hand in an enthusiastic wave. “We were just starting to worry…”
She trails off in astonishment as her eyes land on the Guardian Tree. All the noise from everyone hushes at once. Everybody goes perfectly motionless, except for Kasey, who lightly steps out to meet Will. The ghosts are the only ones who have already seen Aiden’s Tree, so they’re the only ones who don’t look absolutely thunderstruck.
Speechless silence reigns for a long moment.
“Whoa,” Ripley breathes. He rubs his eyes, then looks again. “Are we all seeing this?”
“I think so,” Luca stammers. “Either that or I am so high…”
“It’s both,” Roger confirms.
Ralph comes closer, his wide, sage green eyes rapt on the Tree. “Is this what I think it is, A?”
“Mhm.” Aiden gives his broad shoulders a shrug, nervously rubbing his arm. “It’s my Tree.”
Noah comes forward, accidentally pulling Mel. She follows him automatically, blinking hard at the sea of velvet leaves.
“Just don’t touch it, please,” Aiden adds hastily, as Noah’s inky fingers reach out for the silver bark. “Because I’ll feel it, and that’s – awkward. Jamie’s the only one allowed.”
“You’ll feel it?” Alix asks in confusion, as Ripley pulls her forward to get a closer look at the Tree. “What do you mean, Aiden?”
He hesitates, then answers – “Ripley will fill you in when he gets a chance.”
Ripley shoots Aiden a startled glance, then breaks into a relieved grin. He gives Alix a look, like – we’ll talk soon.
“Okay,” she says, confused but smiling as she turns back to the Tree. “Wow, how gorgeous this is! It must be a rare species, right? Gabby, is this protected forest?”
“It is,” Gabby says, with obvious relief. “And if it wasn’t, I’d have gotten to work on making it that way first thing in the morning.”
“I know you would, but also thank god it already is protected forest!” Melanie sputters, tilting her head back to take in the full span of the crown.
“Yeah, someone has to protect it,” Noah says firmly, like he’s just decided. “There needs to be someone.”
“Jamie’s been doing a mighty fine job of that,” Aiden answers, making me blush.
Kent’s eyes are perfectly round behind his glasses. “How have we never stumbled into this before?”
“Yeah, and did you say I can’t touch it?” Raj asks, quite obviously curious about the wood making up the trunk.
“Damn, Aiden,” Noah murmurs, before he can answer. “Don’t you ever talk a big game about fuckin’ anything? You’re like, I’ve got a Tree. And this is the Tree you were talking about? Just brag about things sometimes. It’s fine.”
“The fuck sort of weird brag would that be?” Aiden laughs, startled. “Be like, come check out my sick tree? It’s not even like I grew it!”
“Where did we land on whether or not I’m allowed to touch it?” Raj asks hopefully.
“It would be like if you were touching me, dude.”
“Well, what’s a touch between men, brother? It’s not weird. We all touch each other. That’s what life’s all about, right?”
Luca presses his fingers over his mouth, suppressing a laugh. “Couldn’t agree more, Raj.”
“Not in this case, no,” Aiden says firmly, at the same time.
Calla has stopped beneath the Tree. Her hazel eyes are traveling slowly over the canopy, blinking slowly, like she can’t believe what she’s seeing. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that she looks so breathtaken. She comes from a Guardian line, but given what happened, this is her first time ever actually getting to see a Guardian Tree.
I smile to myself, feeling like if Ralph wanted Calla to have a good time at the Fling Thing, this was the way to finish it out. She gazes up at the Tree in silent amazement, catches my eye, and whispers -
“Gonna have to tell the grandmas about this.”
I flash her a grin, then do a double-take at Ralph. He’s peering around at the openings to the clearing, as if he’s trying to think ahead to how someone might launch an assault on Aiden’s Tree.
“No one can find it,” Aiden reassures him. “You won’t even be able to find it after we leave, so don’t worry.”
Ralph is visibly relieved to hear it. He steps back to take in the full view of Aiden’s Tree again, and the others circle around it to stare with wide eyes, drinking in the beautiful sight.
“Okay, this is incredible,” Luca says, after a while, “But – aren’t we all going to miss the truck, now?”
Roger checks his watch and winces. “Shit, he’s right. We really need to get going.”
Everyone takes a parting look at the Tree, then reforms into a group to set out. The faces around me are all very dazzled, but pretty soon the conversations that stopped in the clearing start back up again. Everyone is drunk or stoned or both, so the beauty of Aiden’s Tree has become another glittering thing in a whirlwind of a night. Easily and excitedly accepted. By the time we’re almost back to the field, it would be hard to tell that we just left an unbelievable secret behind in the forest. I think we look just like all the other cross-faded people staggering back to the bounds of the Fling Thing field.
Ralph and Aiden each loop an arm around Noah, who’s stoned enough to stumble.
“This feels like old times, doesn’t it?” Ralph snickers.
“Remarkably so,” Aiden says grimly, drawing a laugh from Ralph.
Noah lifts his head, grinning widely.
“If it’s really gonna be like old times, then we gotta do the…” He clears his throat, then begins sort of chant-singing. “Some men need their women, some men need cocaine…”
Ralph laughs, then joins in. “Some men need a little cactus juice to purify the brain.”
“C’mon, Aiden!” Noah insists, then keeps going with Ralph when Aiden shakes his head. “Some men need marijuana, others alcohol.”
“But I’m here to tell you now…” Ralph goes on, nudging Aiden’s ribs.
He and Noah stop, staring expectantly at Aiden. He rolls his blue eyes in defeat, breathes out a laugh, and finishes – “Lord, I need it all!”
Noah and Ralph immediately let out a drunken cheer, grinning enormously. Aiden laughs as the rest of us do, shaking his head.
“How can I still remember that, of all things?” he sighs deeply, as if he isn’t grinning just as big as his brothers. “We heard that at the very first party we ever went to with Noah.”
Noah lifts his head to give him a stoned grin. “You know damn well you remember because we did it half the time on the way back to Ralph’s house at the end of the night, dude.”
“Yes, but does Jamie need to know about that, Noosh? It’s our anniversary. I just made it to a year. Don’t blow it for me now.”
“You are stupid,” I laugh helplessly, shoving Aiden’s shoulder.
We all step out of the treeline to see the Fling Thing field emptying out. Sleepy people are packing up their stuff or stumbling towards the road to meet their rides.
“Hey, there’s Tristan!” Ripley says, his drunken words melting together. “I’m gonna go slap the back of his head!”
He surges forward like he’s about to take off running. Noah regains a burst of energy and hurls himself on top of Ripley, flattening him just before he can get away.
“No, we’re not starting a fight in the last ten minutes of the Fling Thing, goddamnit, you fucking bolt of chaos!” he insists, dragging Ripley back to his feet. “No getting banned again! We’re not repeating mistakes from the past!”
Aiden flashes me a private little smile, squeezing my fingers, as if to say – No, we’re not.
Somehow I feel like he’s promising that he’ll never leave again, the way he did before.
I’ve barely processed everything we talked about under his Tree. I’m not sure how long it’ll take, honestly. I’m still in a daze, overwhelmed with more emotions than I know what to do with. But I know he’ll give me all the time I need to sort it out. And I know that at the center of everything I’m feeling, there’s a molten, white-hot core of love.
For now, I help him pack up our stuff, collecting everything we brought to the Fling Thing. We’re among the last people packing up. A cluster of people are trying to put out the big bonfire, with no success. Roger looks like he’s about to go over and help them, but Aiden has noticed them, too. Suddenly their efforts pay off, and the fire goes down to embers with a soft hiss.
Aiden’s eyes glow icy blue as he reclaims his fire. He shoulders his backpack, straightens out my flannel, and offers me his hand.
“Ready to go home?” he asks softly.
I take his hand, already there.
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