Blaze - Part Fifteen
This episode is part of a larger story, Soft Touch. If you haven’t yet, you can go back and read it from the beginning right here. This episode contains mature content.
Are we going to talk at all about what I saw in the past, Aiden?
Oh, I see. So that’s why we switched to using our inside voices, but without the connection open enough for me to feel your emotions?
You’re not letting me feel your emotions, either.
Because right now, Jamie, yours and mine both - it would be too much for you to handle at the same time.
Yeah, exactly. I’m just - feeling a lot. So are you.
Okay… So it’s not because - because you’re feeling any different about me, after what you saw?
Oh, Aiden - I told you, babe, I am. But it’s basically the opposite of what you’re worried about. The opposite of that.
Aiden has been determinedly keeping his eyes trained on the rainy night sky above us, but now he gives me a swift, searching glance. I catch his eyes with mine and make it last, make him look at me.
The ocean waves beat softly in our ears as we look at each other, having a silent conversation with our eyes.
I already had a rough picture of the struggle that Aiden has been through. I know how far he had to come, and that he paid a steep price for every step of the way.
But it was a deep, painful shock to my soul to see it with my own eyes. Something sharp and jagged drives through my chest every time I remember him like that. A devastating kind of love and tenderness overwhelms me and shatters me. Whenever I think of all those nights I couldn’t be there with him, when he was lost and lonely and hurting…
I suppress the agonized sound rising in my throat, but Aiden must see everything in my eyes. He quickly turns his head to look up at the deep purple velvet of the night sky, pushes his fingers through the wet darkness of his chestnut hair.
That - that was the worst time for me, he says slowly, after a moment. Had a lot of my darkest days when I was twenty-four. That shit was me at rock bottom. Whatever you saw, it - wasn’t all like that.
That makes me feel a tiny bit better, I answer quietly, eventually.
An anxious, humiliated blush is growing deeper and deeper in Aiden’s cheeks. I squeeze his hand, then stare at him with questioning eyes when he looks at me.
I just… He takes an unsteady breath, quickly lifts his agonized eyes back up to the starry rain clouds. I’ve mostly stuck to telling you about things that happened before I ended up like that, for obvious reasons. Think I unintentionally gave you a more - romantic image of what the years I spent away looked like. And I was, um. Okay with that. But that’s ruined, now. Just sucks, man.
My mind goes to the picture I’ve slowly built for myself of Aiden during his wandering years. I’ve been slowly gathering up the colors and moods and textures of it, filling in the tapestry with what I know from those rare times when Aiden opens up that secret door within him.
I always look to that image of him with loving eyes.
A nomad on a quest. A rover and fighter, courageous to a fault, even reckless. Weathered and weary, but in his eyes, quiet sun sparkles of hope. In his heart, powerful, boundless love, enough to keep driving him forward for years and years. Never giving up, no matter how low he’d been brought.
He’s right. I have had a romantic picture in my mind.
With a wince of pain, I let myself think about how Aiden was when I really saw him, in the past. I’m searching for anything that doesn’t match up with the image I already had.
No, I answer slowly. No, it hasn’t been ruined. I know I caught you during the darkest days, but - if anything, it was kinda like, um… confirmation. Of what I was picturing. And I mean that in a good way. Does that make sense?
What - no? No it fucking doesn’t, not at all.
Well, regardless, it’s still true.
Bullshit.
No.
Aiden lets out a scoff of humorless, disbelieving laughter, then pauses when he catches the earnest sincerity in my eyes. He stares at me, his blue eyes widening, his eyebrows furrowed, then kind of tries to laugh doubtfully again. But it stops quickly, and he looks deeper into my eyes, searching them with his.
He blinks rapidly, drawing back a little. He opens his mouth to say something, then apparently decides that silence is the only answer he can give me for that one.
He looks out at the slow-moving waves. Lost in his thoughts, clearly struggling to follow the lines of mine.
I don’t get you, he finally rumbles.
I snuggle my face into his shoulder. That’s okay.
We don’t speak for some time. I’m smiling dreamily at Aiden with my chin propped on my hand, and he hasn’t noticed. He’s staring out at the sea, all kinds of emotion storming around in his eyes. Like he can’t figure out how what I said can possibly be true, but he also knows that I can’t lie, so he doesn’t know what to think.
I lean in closer and brush a kiss onto his baffled face.
I just can’t believe how strong you’ve been, I tell him. Now that I’ve seen with my own eyes the toll it was all taking on you. You’ve been so strong.
Okay. Aiden shakes his head, rolls his eyes. Now you’re just saying things to warm my pride.
Aren’t I allowed to do that, if I mean it? I elbow his arm, breaking into a grin. Don’t pretend you don’t like it.
Aiden bites down on a small smile, shrugs his big shoulders. I mean, I - don’t hate it.
We catch eyes with each other through the fluttering rain, then both laugh softly. But we both turn serious again after a minute.
You never really told me that I meant so much to you even back then, I murmur, with a hint of a question in my words. I know you said you’ve loved me since you were fifteen, but - love can be on a low burn. Especially after so long apart.
Not mine. Aiden drops his gaze to the rain-speckled hood of my car, blushing again. Not with you.
I shake my head slowly, half in disbelief. You never told me.
Wasn’t exactly in a rush to admit that, Keane. I thought it would probably freak you out, knowing how bad I really had it for you when we hadn’t talked in years. We’d only had those five minutes together. And I always thought I was the only one they meant anything to. Only reason I’m not fucking panicking about you finding out is because now I know better, about those five minutes.
He looks up at me timidly, then drops his head again. Shy to the point of suffering.
I’m - not sure I could have told you, anyways, he pins on. I’ve tried. But you - make me nervous.
I nibble my lip, looking intently at him.
I slowly and gently close the connection, then let go of his hand. He looks up at me in surprise, then goes very still when I tip forward and brush a lingering, intimate kiss onto his mouth. I spread my fingers on the firm planes of his chest, then push it slowly up until I can grasp him by the back of his neck. I slip my tongue between his parted lips, deepening the kiss in the hush of the rain.
He’s panting softly by the time I break it off. He slowly opens his eyes, his pupils blown out almost to the edges.
“Do I?” I ask quietly, teasingly, stroking my knuckles over his stubble. “Make you nervous?”
“Yes, man,” Aiden says, instantly and dazedly, drawing a burst of laughter from me.
Aiden watches me laugh, then abruptly reaches out and draws me closer to him. He pulls me to sit between his knees on the hood of the car, winds his arms around me. I lean back against his chest, bathing in his warmth.
“You can always tell me more, Aiden,” I murmur, after a long stretch of quiet. “About your traveling years. I don’t know if I’ve ever told you, but I love to hear your stories from back then.”
“Oh, do you? That’s good to know.” He presses a kiss onto the top of my head. “Cause I - I gathered up probably a million things I wanted to talk to you about, while I was gone.”
I smile to myself, slowly stroking my hand up and down his forearm. “I want to talk about all of it. Everything.”
“No, seriously, like a million things.”
“Yeah, well, seriously, all of it.”
He doesn’t answer, but I can sense him smiling real big behind me.
“I even like hearing about the sexy experiences,” I tell him.
“Oh, yeah?”
“Kind of a turn-on, honestly. In some weird way.”
Aiden lets out a startled sound, burrows his blushing face into my hair. “Oh, my god.”
“Even if it makes me a lil’ jealous, hearing about my rivals.”
“Your r-?” Aiden huffs out a surprised laugh. His thick, muscled arm wraps around beneath my jaw, tugs me back against his chest, then nudges my chin up to make me look up at him. “Come on, man, you honestly think you have rivals?”
My smile widens before I can bite it back. I laughingly close my hands around his forearm - savoring the brush of the soft, fine hair against my palms - and pull myself free. But I snuggle myself back against him right away.
Silence falls over us for another long moment. He’s deep in thought, and so am I.
“Can I ask you something, Aiden?” I sit up more, turning around between his knees so I can look at him. “Just one question about what I saw in the past?”
He shifts uneasily, but then shrugs his broad shoulders. “Guess that’s only fair. I got to ask you one.”
“You don’t have to answer, if it’s too much.”
Aiden bites the inside of his cheek, his jaw tensed. “Try me.”
I can see the depth of the anxiety in his eyes, and I cast my mind around for a way to make him laugh before we talk about this.
I poke his arm playfully. “I’ll wear my grey wool knit shorts when we get home, if you do answer.”
Aiden blinks in surprise, then breathes out a huff of laughter. “Alright, deal. Can you wear the red pair, though? I like taking those off of you.”
“The red pair?” My eyebrows drop low in confusion. “I only have a grey pair of those.”
Now Aiden looks confused, too. “Really?”
“Yeah…?”
“Oh, I…” A sudden blush spikes in Aiden’s cheeks, some realization happening in his eyes. “Right, yeah. Sorry. Nevermind.”
I tilt my head to the side, staring at him with baffled eyes. The scarlet blush in his cheeks deepens when he sees me waiting for an explanation.
“That - was something I dreamed,” he says sheepishly, with obvious embarrassment. “Not something real. My bad, dude.”
I let out a startled, affectionate laugh. Aiden closes his eyes and winces deeply. He starts to lift a hand to cover his face, and I lean over before he can. He goes perfectly still again as I slowly, lightly kiss his eyelids, winding my fingertips into his hair.
He looks at me with sunlit warmth in his eyes when I draw back, even though we’re sitting in the moonlight. He hesitates, then brushes a strand of wet hair out of my eyes.
“What did you want to ask me?” he says softly, in a steadier voice.
I bite my lip, decide to just get it out all in a rush.
“Why were those the darkest days? When you were twenty-four? What happened that - left you like that?”
Aiden takes the question in silence. He nibbles his lip, his blue eyes darkened with clouded, unhappy memories.
I give him the time to think about how to say what he wants, if he wants to say anything. It’s a long wait, but I’m rewarded when he suddenly takes a breath, draws his hands back to his chest, and nervously starts rubbing his palm with his thumb.
“You know I never found what I was looking for. Couldn’t find it.”
I nod slowly, my heart already aching at the look on Aiden’s face, the pain in his voice when he said that. So heavy with defeat.
He nods, too, dropping his gaze to his hands. “I was twenty-four when I realized that I wasn’t going to. When I had to face that.”
“Oh,” I answer softly, my heart filled with burning sympathy all over again. “Oh.”
“Yeah, and I - took it hard. Obviously.” Aiden exhales a shaky breath, floundering a little. “It was the only path I saw that could take me back to you, and Ketterbridge. I thought it was the only way, and it turned out to be a fucking dead end, this total waste of like, precious time, and after everything… It took a long time to sink in. Fucking knocked me out of myself when it did.”
I put a hand on Aiden’s knee. I meant for it to be gentle and consoling, but I end up holding him tightly. Aiden’s voice is getting rougher, more strangled. I know how hard this is for him. But he takes another deep breath, pushes on.
“I didn’t know what to do,” he rumbles, his deep voice so quiet that I have to lean closer to hear him over the rain. “I was fucking dying to go home by that point, but I knew I couldn’t come back how I was. So I just - kept wandering. Even though I was beyond exhausted. I couldn’t really sleep. Stopped talking, pretty much. Dropped off into a dark headspace. Kept myself too fucked up to think about anything. Tried to give up hoping that I could get back to you, started trying my hardest to forget you.”
He flinches at the last words, like they cut at him. I do the same thing, dropping my head to try to hide it from him.
“Spent way too long like that,” he goes on roughly. “Spiraled deeper and deeper, and eventually, um… well, I guess you saw me back then, so. You have some idea.”
More than he knows, but I’m definitely not going to say that. I tip forward in silence, put my forehead to his.
“Decided on my twenty-fifth birthday that I was gonna try to get sober,” he finishes quietly.
I close my eyes and press my forehead harder into his, the fire in my heart blazing.
“But - it’s okay.” Aiden gently takes me by the back of my neck, his soft-spoken voice pouring warmth directly into my chest, even all shaky like it is right now. “Don’t get sad, Linden. I’m here, now. We’re together. And if seeing me like that, knowing I was that, if it really didn’t hurt the way you look at me - and it didn’t, right? It won’t?”
There’s a thread of desperation in the question. I nod earnestly, moving Aiden’s head with mine.
“Okay,” he says, his deep voice heavy with relief. “Then it’s all okay by me, now. S’all in the past.”
He pauses, nuzzles his nose into mine, then adds: “I’m thinking more about the future, these days.”
I say nothing, but I kiss him softly, telling him everything.
He kisses me back, drawing me up close to him again.
It starts out gentle and sweet, but both of us are burning at high intensity. It swiftly goes from gentle and sweet to hot and sweet.
Neither of us means for it to happen, but soon enough we’re twisting together in the rain, my back against the windshield, my hands holding two fistfuls of Aiden’s wet shirt. Droplets spilling from him onto me. The heat of him beneath the cold rain, melting right into me. His hand slides up under my shirt, smooths over my ribs as I shiver beneath his touch.
Both of us break into startled laughter when we nearly roll off of the hood of my car. Aiden catches me at the last second, then somehow manages to turn it into a slide off of the wet hood that lands both of us on our feet in the sand.
“That was a move,” I laugh, giving his arm a shove.
He laughs, too, pushing a hand through his fucked-up chestnut hair, all messy from having my fingers buried in it.
I can see the undisguised desire burning in his eyes as he looks at me.
I let out an eager, breathless little laugh, then push him towards the passenger’s side of the car. He laughs, too, watching me rush to the driver’s side.
I drop into the driver’s seat, then blink in surprise when Aiden snags the keys out of my hand and drops them into the cupholder.
“What-?”
I break off as he leans across the car and wrenches me into a deep, searing kiss that makes me let out a stuttering moan into his mouth. His hands start roaming through my rain-wet clothes, his breathing picking up as he feels me.
A scorching blush rises in my cheeks, and suddenly I’m panting with my whole body.
I manage to gasp out a few words when Aiden moves his burning lips to my neck. “Shouldn’t we go home?”
His low, husky voice breaks right against my skin, purring through me. “We’re not gonna make it home.”
“Oh, my god,” I laugh, then gasp a little when his fingers start roughly, urgently undoing my belt. “What - right here, man? In my car, parked at the beach? This is some senior year of high school shit, right now-”
“Well, good.” Aiden pulls back and breaks into a bright, happy smile that lights up his whole face. “We never got to sneak around in cars in shady parking lots together. Now we can make up for that missed opportunity.”
My self-restraint is wavering, threatening to break. “What if someone sees-?”
Aiden turns and touches a fingertip to the rainy windshield. A flash of frosty blue light glimmers in his eyes, and then - the windshield and all of the windows are fogged all the way up.
“Better for you?” he asks, his deep voice playful, his head cocked slightly to the side.
I bite back my smile, but he sees it, and the fire in his eyes dances higher.
He leans back across the car, starts biting and sucking my neck. My body is suddenly straining as his warm hand slides down between my legs, then rubs hard against the wet denim. Teasing but rough movements, instantly making me squirm in my seat and let out a sharp whimper.
I was going to answer what he said, but I can only tip my head back and close my eyes, panting harder and faster. It’s all I can do to not push myself further up against his hand.
I’m already starting to get lost in the sensations and heat of him, abandoning myself to it.
Before I know what I’m doing, I reach over and find his belt buckle with my fingers in the darkness. The soft, familiar clicking sound of it coming undone sets my blood on fire. I can hear the cold rain on the car, but my body is burning, flooded with heat. My fingers are warm as I slide them down the hard heat of Aiden’s abdomen, then down beneath the fabric of his boxers.
He hisses sharply through his teeth, shudders, then sinks down lower in his seat. Spreads his legs wider, pushes his jeans and boxers just a little bit further down, giving me more access.
Then he wets his hand with his mouth and slips it into my boxers, too.
I let out a gasp that melts into a moan. My free hand is grasping the car door so tightly.
Soon Aiden and I are both panting and gasping, struggling to breathe through the haze of building ecstasy. He’s slid as far down as he can go in his seat, his head fallen back. His expression makes it look like I’m hurting him, but I know better. I know exactly what that expression is. His cheeks are burning so hard I can see a heat glow from them.
And I’m bent forward over the steering wheel, my chest heaving with my ragged breaths.
Both of us are moaning and gulping softly, now, around our panted breaths. The storm of growing passion is like something physical in the air around us, like smoke, saturating me with every deep breath. Almost unbearably good. But neither of us let our hands stop working.
I open my eyes to look at him and find myself staring right into the fiery blue haze of his eyes. He was already watching me.
Aiden suddenly leans across the car and pushes my shirt up. The flat, heated drag of his tongue on my chest forces another helpless moan from me. My body tenses and tenses, my thighs clenching, my heartbeat pounding in my ears.
I fall back against the seat and let out a heavy, trembling rush of breath, my cheeks on fire. The heat throbbing within me is building into an overwhelming mixture of excruciating pleasure and desperate ache, mounting to a fever pitch -
Aiden kisses me, and holds that kiss, and doesn’t let up with his hand at all. It’s a deep, hot kiss, thick with love and fire, our open mouths fused together. He doesn’t break it off, not at all, until my body can’t bear any more and I have to.
I inhale a tight, sharp gasp, my voice coming out fractured and breathless. “Aiden - Aiden-”
He drops his head into my lap just in time. The sudden pleasure-shock of the wet heat of his mouth sends me flying over the edge. My head snaps back against the seat. A hoarse, breathless moan tears itself from my mouth, my unoccupied hand fisted in his hair, my other one losing its rhythm in the haze. The ecstasy hits me like a lightning strike, whiting out my vision and my every thought, sinking me deep into mindless, sublime pleasure.
Panting hard, still reeling, I bend forward over Aiden and slowly drag my tongue over the nape of his neck. I can taste the salt of the ocean air, of his gathering sheen of sweat.
A flash of Heliomancer lighting snaps over both of us.
He sits back sharply, his breathing jagged, his blue eyes smoking. His muscles are flexed with tension, stretching his henley tighter on him.
His hand comes up to catch me around the back of my head, but I’m way ahead of him. I lean across the car and drop my head into his lap. The console is pressing into my ribs, his strong, smooth throat exposed as he lets his head fall back against the seat and tilt to the side.
He exhales a soft curse as I take him into my mouth. His breaths are uneven, stumbling over each other. One hand tangled in my hair, the other holding the car door tight enough to snap it, fingertips digging into the upholstery, each tremor closer to the one before -
He takes in a stammering gasp, his handful of my hair tightening. He lets out a deep, half-broken groan and grinds my face down into his lap, pressing himself up from the seat. I choke out a muffled moan around him, drawing an answering one from his mouth. He gasps again as his whole body spasms, wracked with shivers, then slowly goes still. He falls silent, panting.
After a moment his hand begins gently stroking through my hair.
I sit up slowly, the pattering of the rain in my ears. I wordlessly rearrange my jeans and my boxers, but my clumsy hands can’t manage the zipper or the button or my belt.
Aiden must be having the same problem, because when I look over at him again, his jeans are still open, too. In the impossible blue of his eyes, something is still smoldering with white heat.
He smiles intimately at me, staring right into my eyes, then slowly drags the back of his hand over his full, wet, swollen lips.
I turn to stare straight out through the fogged-over windshield, dazed.
“Oh my god,” I murmur, my eyes wide with disbelief. “I’m in a car hooking up with Aiden Callahan.”
He breaks into a grin, looking at me with eyes full of love. “Yep.”
“My life has taken some unexpected turns,” I stammer, and Aiden breathes out a rumble of soft, warm laughter.
“Mine too,” he says, his voice rich with happiness.
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